I've been going through a rough time again lately. Just unsure how to put it all into words right now so I thought I'd share a few posts from another mother who has put into words some of my thoughts lately in hopes that it may help others in some way gain just a glimpse into what I'm feeling.

(there's another link in this post that is also good as well)


edited to add: It's also my hope that maybe these links will help those of you out there who may have someone in their life in a similar situtation gain a better understanding in their thoughts & how to help them. A grieving heart can never have too many hands to help hold it!
Is anyone else ready for these cold, dreary days to be past and to feel the warmth of spring?? I know I am. The last several years I've found I don't enjoy winter like I did when I was younger. This year in particular has been really difficult & I find myself struggling. I'm sorta wishing I could hibernate like a bear right now and wake up towards the middle of March. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a big ole snowstorm and the fun that goes along with being snowed in with my family. But if we aren't having a snowstorm, then I would really like spring. Like NOW please!!! I'm itching for the sun and to be outside planting & working in my garden. We were given a memorial plaque, rose bush and a gift card to design a memorial garden for Noah so I can't wait to get started on that as well.

I know many people have asked how I am doing this pregnancy. I've experianced a lot more sickness this time than I did with Noah & have lost some weight. I do think the symptoms are getting better now. Course, I said that last week & proceeded to get sick the next day so I am hesitant to say I'm past it yet for fear of jinxing myself again. I still have a lack of appetite unless the right thing strikes me. Like a sub at 9pm (thank you Jen!) If it wasn't for the ever growing belly, I would forget I'm pregnant most days. I guess I am scared to think much yet. I mean, it's only been 6 months since Noah's birth/death. I admittedly am in fear that something will happen. I do feel the baby move once in a while but the movements are still light. I guess I am holding my breath until my big ultrasound next month. Hard to believe that I will be half way through then. I know even if we get a good report at the ultrasound, I don't think I will fully be able to relax until I see the baby with my eyes & hold him/her in my arms. 

And to answer the question everyone has been asking, just like we always do, we are not finding out the gender! We only found out Noah's ahead of time once we were given his diagnosis. We prefer to be surprised at delivery.

Jen, Michele & I had a get together recently. It was so wonderful to spend the day with my "sisters" and all the kids "cousins". I am so thankful for their friendship, and although the bond we share is one we never would've have imagined nor have chosen to go through, having them in my life been a true blessing to me.  Michele's little one, Hezekiah had just turned 1 and we surprised her with a cake for him.
What a precious boy! He and Noah share the same homegoing date exactly 6 months apart. I'm sure he, Olivia & Noah were partying it up in Heaven as we celebrated his birthday here. Here are the rest of our kiddos enjoying in his celebration:

Happy 1st Birthday Hezekiah!!!! ♥
I know I haven't post in about a week. It had been a tough week and I wasn't really up to much of anything. I really don't feel like getting into all the nitty gritty but the general jist is that Noah's official paperwork has been a nightmare. In the hospital, I filled out everything to get his birth certificate as well as his social security card. So then I proceeded to wait for the documents. And I waited. They never came. In talking to Jen & Michele, they recieved their little ones info with no problem. So I knew something was up.

Long story short, somewhere after I turned his paperwork in, a mistake was made and Noah was shown as having never lived.  Because of this, I was never sent his documents, and when I finally called about his birth certificate, I was sent one that is not normal and showed him as a stillbirth. So right now we are trying to get this resolved which of course doesn't seem to be an easy process (as well as dealing with a lot of other headaches). I will not let this rest until I get the correct birth certificate for Noah. It was so heartbreaking to open that birth certificate and to see the wrong one. The stress of that day as well as what I had to go through to get his social security card left me physically ill that day last week. I never would've had to deal with any of this if that mistake hadn't been made. I just want it corrected. I want my sons birth certificate to show he LIVED!!! So just please pray we can get this resolved.
Thank you to the many of you who have contacted me through notes & messages to offer your congrats & prayers. If you watched the video I posted last week, you saw at the end that yes indeed we are expecting baby #6!!! We are cautiously excited but also nervous as well. When I was given the due date via ultrasound, I was awed at just how much this was definitely the work of God. This baby is due the day Noah died, July 14th. That blew me away when I was told the date. As of today, I am 12 weeks 5 days along and definitely showing.

I admit this has been bittersweet. I am almost on the exact same time table with this pregnancy as I was with Noah this time last year. So many reminders. This time last year I was planning ahead to our current homeschool year and arranged my schedule knowing I would have a nursing infant. Then in May everything changed. Just the other day I was again making plans for our next school year and caught myself planning my schedule around this baby and I just broke down crying. I am too afraid to let myself think beyond today as I was reminded just how short life is and that things are out of my control.

This is definitely a different place to be in emotionally. Still grieving yet also trying to be excited and hoping that this baby will be ok. Trisomy 13 is nothing genetic, inheritated or was caused from anything I/we did. In the eyes of science, it was a "fluke" and there is no explanation why it happens to some people. I know in my mind Noah was chosen by God to be blessed with it, for reasons beyond my comprehension. I just keep trying to remember that and trust that just as with Noah's life, God has a purpose already in place for this new life, whatever may happen.

I am not the only one going through the rollercoaster of emotions, the kids are as well. They have known since the day I have that we are having another baby (the video is how I surprised telling Kevin & the kids). While they are excited, they still often break down crying from missing Noah. This new baby in no way replaces Noah at all. Nor does it change how we are currently feeling. During one time recently when Susan was crying about missing Noah, she also shared she is scared something will happen to this baby also. It broke my heart. They are such big worries for such a young child. We assured her that we aren't in this alone and that God is with us and the baby. While we may not always know the answers, we do know that currently the baby is doing well and we just have to take things one day at a time and have faith.

We've had some hiccups along the way so far. Early on the blood work wasn't matching the ultrasound, the heartbeat couldn't be found during a visit so I had to have an ultrasound to find it (cried when I saw the heartbeat as well as the little one jumping all over).  I was told I had placenta issues and that I had to be on restrictions. Praise God I was just recently told it's fine and I no longer had to worry about it or be on any restrictions (which would've been SO hard for me as they said I would've had to have been for 10wks).

So right now we are just taking things one day at a time (boy is that something we have really learned this last year). It's all we CAN do. In the meantime, I'm anxiously waiting for my morning sickness to go away and my appetite to return. I've actually lost some weight due to it. Thankfully while we were on vacation, I felt really well. Probably in part because I didn't have to be the one preparing food (which is hard for me right now to do) and I had plenty of choices of food so I had no problem finding something that sounded good.

Thank you all for the support and prayers this last 8 months, it's meant a lot! We'd love your continued thoughts and prayers as well. ♥
This is baby #6 at 11wks 6 days