bittersweet [ˈbɪtəˌswiːt]
adj
1. tasting of or being a mixture of bitterness and sweetness
2. pleasant but tinged with sadness
I have used this word before Noah was born but it wasn't until after he died that I developed a better understanding of this word. I don't think you can fully grasp the depths this mere word tries to convey unless you have gone through something tragic and life changing.
Bittersweet describes the intermingling of feeling joy yet sadness, all in the very same moment. It truly is possible to experience such polar opposites in one breath as that's been my life since the day Noah left my arms.
I still do find joy and happiness even though one of my children aren't here with me, which is only by the grace of God that's for sure! But in that moment that I am feeling my heart overflowing in elation, it also causes me to catch my breath in anguish.
I could list numerous things that have been bittersweet moments for me since Noah died as there are multitudes. One of the most recent is in seeing Olivia hit milestones that Noah never did. We're over the moon with her and feel so blessed at all she is doing (and she is doing a lot), but we can't help feeling the grief of missing out on who Noah would be today and seeing him interact with his little sister who is exactly a year younger than him.
Bittersweet.
It makes me cherish even more the things Olivia is learning and doing. It makes me slow down and appreciate all those little things she does that often get taken for granted by those who haven't experienced loosing a child. It makes me intentionally & purposefully parent her and the rest of the kids and not just go through the motions.
Bittersweet.
I see my 6 children and life in general in a whole new way because Noah taught me what bittersweet truly means. It's the ability to cherish, enjoy and appreciate life while still feeling grief.
~Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
