National Pregnancy and Infant Death Awareness Day

The month of October is recognized all over for being Breast Cancer Awareness month but many people unfortunately don't know that it is also Pregnancy & Infant Death Awareness month as well. Yes, I realize most places call it pregnancy & infant loss awareness month but if you ask many moms, we prefer the word death rather than loss. We didn't lose our child, they died.

Thank You!

A huge thank you to so many of you who celebrated Noah & Olivia's birthdays earlier this month with us. We really appreciated the messages, thoughts, and prayers. Not only do we celebrate both their birthdays on the 13th but we also remember Noah's home-going which was the 14th. July is a bittersweet month but knowing there are others walking alongside of us really helps!

We LOVED all the name photos many of you took the time to send us!! It was so neat to see all the creativity. Thank you again to each of you who took the time to spell Noah's name. If you didn't have a chance to write Noah's name, we welcome photos any time! It's always a blessing to unexpectedly receive a photo to add to his name album.

International bereaved mother’s day

Many don't know that Mother’s Day was actually created in honor of a bereaved mother. Anna Jarvis founded the official Mother’s Day in 1908 to honor her own mother, Ann. Ann Jarvis gave birth to around a dozen children but only 4 survived to grow into adults. The meaning of this day has become lost because of the commercialization that so often happens, so Carly Marie set aside this day to especially remember bereaved moms.

In Honor of Noah's 5th Birthday. . .

It's hard to believe how quickly Noah's 5th birthday is approaching (July 13th). I know I've been suppressing my grief to a degree and am in denial that we are rapidly approaching another milestone without my son though I'm sure it is all going to crash in on me soon enough. It always does.

The cake I made for Noah's 1st Birthday

He's turning 5.

He should be starting homeschool Kindergarten this fall.

He would probably be writing his name by now.

I could've signed him up to finally play fall soccer.

And so much more, the list is endless.

In honor of Noah's birthday, I would love to remember YOUR child(ren) that have died. I want to write their names on a sky lantern that we will release the week of Noah's birthday (13th) and home-going (14th).

I will take a picture of each child's name as I write it and put it together in a video montage that I plan to later share here. All you have to do is go fill out their name on this form.

Secondly, I can't tell you how much it means to see Noah's name written out or have it spoken out loud! It truly is a priceless gift to all of us! I have a name album for Noah that we started several years ago that many have contributed photos to. I would love for you to take a minute and send us a photo of Noah's name that I can add to his album. You can directly post it on Treasuring Life's Blessings wall and I will put it in his album or message it to me through my page there. (you can also drop me a note here and I can give you an email address to send the photo to).

We covet your thoughts and prayers as we enter the upcoming time of reflection on Noah's brief but miraculous life, celebrating all that he is while mourning that he isn't in our arms.

Please feel free to share this post so I can remember as many babies as possible and thank you for participating!

Trisomy Awareness Month

March is national Trisomy awareness month, with the 13th specifically set aside for Trisomy 13 awareness day. Perfectly fitting since this is the 3rd month, and Trisomy 13 consists of 3 of the 13th chromosome, aka 3-13.

For those not familiar with any of the Trisomy diagnosis', there is Patau's Syndrome which is Trisomy 13, Edwards Syndrome which is Trisomy 18 and Downs Syndrome which is Trisomy 21.

My sweet Noah had Trisomy 13 which is the rarest of the Trisomies & always fatal. This occurs in approximately every 1 in 10,000 live births. Statics are hard to gather on the actual rate of occurrence of Trisomy 13 as 95% of these babies are miscarried early on or stillborn (which makes Noah's Story even more amazing at how he defeated the odds!).

The 13th chromosome is responsible for the development of the body's major organs. Since we are only to have 2 of each chromosomes, this obviously has major impact on a Trisomy baby, mainly affecting brain and heart development, though there is often many other abnormalities as well (this can vary with each trisomy baby). This condition is not hereditary nor caused by genetics or anything we did and there is nothing anyone can do to prevent this from happening as it takes place upon conception.  In the words of science, it's a "fluke". Of course as a Christian, I know it wasn't a fluke as God doesn't make mistakes. I don't know why Noah was chosen to have this condition but he was and I look forward to the day I reach Heaven to finally see the big picture.

Though I wouldn't have chosen this path for my son, I am thankful for all I have learned, and continue to learn, from Noah's brief life here on earth (after all, he is still living, just at a different address than mine!) I am thankful for the friendships I've made from walking this road that I wouldn't have had the chance to form otherwise. This journey has been hard, I miss Noah fiercely every.single.day and I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the grace of God.

If you have a minute today or anytime during Trisomy awareness month, think of and/or pray for the many families & their precious children who have walked the path of living with Trisomy 13. I say living because even though our children are healed & perfect in Heaven, those of us left behind are forever changed & will always have a piece of our heart missing until the day our children coming running into our arms when we reach Heaven.

I Love you Noah!!!

10 Things About Me- Grief Aside

Many women in the bereaved mother's world would tell you the day your child died signifies a poignant mark in the timeline of your life. Forever more, I will look at my life (and am viewed as) before Noah's death and after Noah's death. While grief is an interwoven part of me, it doesn't define me. Yes I am a changed person but I DO laugh and DO enjoy life. Because I've gained many dear friends in the days after Noah's death, I am often viewed as "the babyloss mom" as many of you didn't know me before I had Noah.

I am linking up with Carly Marie from Still Standing Magazine to share 10 things about me outside of grief, especially for those who may have only known me since Noah died.

1. Where have you traveled to?
I love to travel and have been traveling internationally since I was 16, both for mission work as well as vacations. I have even had the opportunity of visiting some of the same places more than once!
-Canada
-Mexico (missions)
-Peru (missions for 6 months)
-Paraguay (mission)
-Barbados
-St. Thomas
-St. Maarten/St. Marten (same island, 2 different countries)
-Puerto Rico
-Dominica
-Dominican Republic
-Antigua
-Haiti
And Lord willing, we will be visiting 4 new countries this year!

Antigua

2. Sweet or Savoury?
Definitely Savoury or rather spicy for sure!! I don't have a sweet tooth at all and I can bake up a ton of goodies and not be tempted to eat them (not that I don't enjoy a treat once in a great while).  I am a pretty health conscious person so I tend to eat fairly healthy (as seen by many of my recipes that I share.)

3. What are you reading right now? 
I am reading  Flourish- Balance for Homeschool Moms by Mary Jo Tate (an upcoming review that will be posted on my blog).

4. If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be? 
My best friend Ashlee for sure! She lives in another state so we don't get to see each other often unfortunately.

5. What is your favourite food? 
I like anything & everything, especially trying new foods. But I love a true Philly Italian hoagie from Lee's in Philly. I also LOVE sushi and spicy Mexican food!

6. Favourite music?
I grew up listening to a wide variety of music and therefore love a lot of different kinds but I think my favorite CD that I got when I was about 17 as a gift was Kenny's G's "The Moment". There is just something soothing about listening to his saxaphone music. (I also play sax so I have a love for it). I converted the CD to play on my iPhone's iPod so I am still listening to it all these years later!

7. What does your dream house look like?
It would be a farmhouse style with a big wrap-around porch, many bedrooms, a HUGE kitchen with dual wall ovens, a sun porch and enough land for some chickens, a huge garden and maybe a pony! Someday!

8. What are you passionate about? 
-breaking the silence surrounding infant death & making sure others have the support and guidance I missed out on especially early on.
-carseat safety; as an EMT, I've witnessed children's deaths that could've been prevented by proper carseat/booster seat usage (keep your kiddos in a booster until they are 80lbs!!!!)
-parenting my children, loving them unconditionally & raising them to be who God wants them to be!

9. Your dream job? 
Ultimately a midwife in a hospital setting but realistically what I am aiming for now is an RN working in labor & delivery.

10.What have you been procrastinating on? 
Many things, ha, but redoing my kitchen as far as repainting walls & cabinets. Overall pairing down on "things" and decluttering would take second place. Not so much procrastinating on but just lacking the extra time would be more accurate.

I am Still Standing in loving memory of my precious 
Noah Alexander: 
7/13/10-7/14/10

Trisomy 13 Awareness Day

While the entire month of March is Trisomy Awareness month (as there are 3 kinds, 13, 18 & 21), today is Trisomy 13 Awareness day. 3/13 reminds us how our T13 babies have 3 of the 13th chromosome. My post last year about this special day!

click on photo to enlarge

While I think of my dear Noah every day, I especially remember him and many other precious babies like him today! I will continue to share his story, our journey and all he has taught me. I strive to educate others & break the silence surrounding infant death. Noah's life has a purpose and while he may not be here physically, his legacy continues on with every breath I breathe and will do so until the day I join him!

Don't forget to check out the stories of 13 sweet T13 babies, including my Noah, at Still Playing School. Thank you to those who continue to speak our babies name & remember them!!!

Signs from Heaven

Last fall, I had shared a post about signs from Noah. Those special things that happen out of nowhere that remind me Noah & Jesus love and care about me.

Earlier in the week, I was having one of "those" grief days, they've been happening more frequently lately. This time of year is tough with the holidays and knowing my son isn't here. I was feeling so unmotivated and not up to doing anything. I forced myself out of the house even if it was only to drop off a book at the library and a stop at the bank. My 2 youngest were napping so it was a rare few moments alone.

My older kids told me to swing by the Reuzit store (a second hand shop) to see if I could find any Christmas decorations for a party I was going to be hosting. So I stopped by to take a quick look around.

There are several areas and many shelves filled will all sorts of Christmas themed knick knacks, ornaments & really anything you can imagine that people would donate. I was walking around with several pieces in my hands trying to envision a sort of arrangement I could make all the while keeping my eye out for other pieces I could possibly add to it.

I was pretty much done but felt drawn back to an area I had already passed. As I came to this corner, I stopped and looked down on the shelf. I saw this piece of material folded up. I don't know why I even bothered to pick it up as I had already walked by it earlier. At first glance while it was folded up, it didn't look like it belonged in the Christmas section but rather in the craft area.

Whatever it was, was still brand new with tags on it from Michael's.

I opened it up and my jaw just dropped and I got tears in my eyes. I was dumbstruck and had to read it twice before it truly sunk in:

Wow!! Talk about an obvious sign! Of course I didn't hesitate and bought it!! It looks like it was meant to be the front of a large pillow but I think I am going to turn it into a wall hanging.

I like to think the "and friends" part are the babies of so many of my friends, both online & in real life, who are also in Heaven with Noah!

I'm so very thankful for these precious signs at a time especially most needed!

My Heart Hurts

It's been a crazy last few days. So it goes. We just packed up a box for Operation Christmas Child. We started participating in this charity after Noah died, figuring since we can't give him gifts, we can bless a boy his age with some gifts. That's what makes it bittersweet. We LOVE being able to shop & pick out special things for a child Noah's age.

But as we put everything into a box tonight and wrote a Christmas card to this unknown boy & took a picture for him, it all hits me. I should be anticipating buying gifts for my 3 year old.

I just can't stop crying.

I am missing Noah SO MUCH!!!!

This just sucks. It's an ache that is just indescribable.  One that is always there under the surface and sometimes things like packing this box just knocks the wind out of me.

While I am thankful we can bring a smile to the face of a sweet little boy in a far away country, I still wish I had my son here to wrap gifts for. I still at times question God and ask WHY did he feel the need to take my son Home so soon.

It truly isn't fair. So  many people take their children for granted and here I am longing & aching for my sweet Noah. A piece of me that will always be missing with every breath I take.

Dear Jesus, take this box of gifts and use it to bless a precious boy in memory of Noah. I pray this boy knows how much he is loved and knows we are praying for him!!!

Capture Your Grief- Sunset

Sunset:

 To close this project and this month of Baby Loss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world.

I saw this sunset from my back porch, barely peeking through the trees. I was in the middle of making supper, but I stopped what I was doing, grabbed my keys & camera and ran out the door with barely a word to the family. I knew I had just minutes to quickly drive around the corner to try and capture this magnificent sunset. This picture doesn't even do it justice. It was breathtaking. 

I sat in the middle of the quiet, abandoned road with my car in park as I tried to capture the beauty of God's hand-painted picture. As I sat there completely alone, I cried for all I was missing. 

My son. 

My Noah.

Oh how my heart still breaks in a million pieces even 3 years later. 3 long years. How can this possibly be? How am I still here, functioning?? I honestly have no idea. I don't know how I got to this point, still standing. Only by the grace of God is all I can figure out. That & a few caring people who have stuck by us.

I still have my days I can barely function. Oh, most wouldn't know anymore around me because I've gotten better at hiding it, or maybe they just don't want to recognize it anymore. It's easier for others to forget my son & my grief.  I think that's more what it is. People think after a few months you should be "all better". I won't ever be, not until the day I die. Blessed are those who realize this & still love me. Still stand by me. Those who ignore or forget my son intentionally, I have no words. I can't imagine treating others like I have been treated by you. May you never experience this gut wrenching ache.

This is a hard, lonely path as I've come to discover. But there have been amazing blessings along the way. Many of which I can't put into words. I've had some amazing people brought into my life because our heavenly babies brought us together. I've learned what true joy means & have a deeper appreciation of life. I've learned to ignore the petty things & embrace who & what truly matters. I have become a better mom to my living children.

All because of Noah.

My dear son, you have taught me a lifetime of lessons in your brief life. I still continue to learn and will until the day I see you again. I love & miss you more than you know!!!

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Matthew 5:4

Capture Your Grief- Support

Support: 

Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?

The word support brings up many emotions for me. On one hand, it brings hurt & disappoint as there were  those who should've been here for us after Noah died yet they turned their back on us for selfish reasons. But on the other hand, we really got to experience people being the hands & feet of Jesus and reaching out to us in so many ways. Even people who we didn't know well or never met face to face.  Some of these dear people have since become close friends! I will always be grateful to those friends & few family members who willingly chose to help us carry this burden of grief & didn't shy away. The occasional phone calls, notes, little gifts or items people give us that reminds them of Noah, photos with his name written out, including his name in Christmas cards, just someone texting or emailing to say they were thinking of Noah & I, etc are just many ways people have supported us these last 3 years. 

Special organizations who also offer great support are 

Sufficient Grace Ministries & Sweet Pea Project

I took this photo in St Maarten 4 months after Noah died

Capture Your Grief- Wave of Light

Wave Of Light: 

Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

We participated in Sweet Pea Project's balloon release & came home to light our candle in remembrance of EVERY baby gone too soon. This is our Hope candle lit in front of Noah's weighted bear.

Capture Your Grief- Books

Book:

 Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.

I have read several books since Noah died that have really touched me & helped me not to feel so alone in my feelings. One of my favorites was I Will Carry You. I was given this before I had Noah but couldn't bring myself to read it until after he died. She was also given a fatal prenatal diagnosis & everything she shared resonated so much with me. I felt & thought the same things! 

(click picture for link)

Another book I read was "Choosing to See" by Steven Curtis Chapman's wife, MaryBeth. While the loss of her daughter was entirely different circumstances, again, the grief & feelings from losing a child were the same. I appreciated her perspective & encouraging words.

(click picture for link)

"Empty Cradle Broken Heart" was another book the truly grasped the pain a babyloss mom feels and what she goes through.

(click picture for link)

This link shares a few of my resources I have used. There are many others I still need to link to as well as many others out there I have yet to discover.

Capture Your Grief- Articles

Article: 

Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.

Oh goodness, I have came across so many articles that are worthy of reading over the last few years I wouldn't know where to start with sharing some of them. Same with blogs. I follow many awesome blogs from babyloss moms that I often find myself relating to & appreciating their openness. Occasionally I have posted some of the articles or blog links at the end of my blog posts over the years.  Many have been articles that I can relate to and many are articles that people who haven't lost a child need to read to help educate themselves on in hopes they would quit judging us babyloss families & offer support instead.

These are just a few of the many great articles & blogs out there!

Why Bullying About Griefs (lack of) Timeline is Unhelpful
Dear Non-bereaved Mama
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle, it's a life sentence

Capture Your Grief- Emotional Triggers

Emotional Triggers: 

What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

I took this picture in June at the Sweet Pea Project brother & sisters picnic (a picnic held for kids who have had a sibling die). I was overdue with Ava (which is why she isn't in the picture). There are SOOOO many triggers for my grief, I wouldn't know where to start listing them. But a big one is family pictures. I can't publicly share pictures unless Noah is somehow represented like the above picture or unless we have his picture that we hold included.

This is just one of many triggers of grief for me. Holidays, birthdays, anniversary dates, winter & cold weather, rainy/dreary days, seeing brothers playing together, etc all can bring me to tears in a matter of seconds. There are also things that just hit me out of the blue that I wouldn't have expected to affect me.

Capture Your Grief- Music

Music: 

This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

The first song that comes to mind when I think of Noah is "Hello Goodbye" by Michael W Smith. Not only do the lyrics fit our situation perfectly, but the song also includes his name in the chorus!! The above video is the video I put together for his memorial service using this song.

Capture Your Grief- Ritual

Ritual:

 Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

Each day I wear at least one of my pieces of jewelry that represent Noah (just realized I am missing a piece from this picture, a baby's ring & birthstone pendant friends gave me).

Also, any time I pray, I ask Jesus to give Noah a hug for me and to tell him how much I love & miss him!

On Noah's birthday, I always make him a cake. I gather names of other baby's gone too soon & write their names on a sky lantern to release. (last years release. I am still working on putting together the one from his past birthday).We also visit his grave and leave little gifts or a piece of cake and sing happy birthday to him.

Capture Your Grief-Memory

Memory: 

What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

It's impossible for  me to choose just one memory of Noah as I have so many that flood my thoughts. But looking at this picture, I remember feeling just pure love & joy over finally having my much-wanted baby in my arms, even if it was only brief. 

Capture Your Grief- Legacy

Legacy: 

Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

I definitely feel Noah left behind a legacy that continues to ripple on. I can't even begin to list the many ways his life continues to affect us and those around us.  Because of him, I am able to reach out and help other moms who have lost a child. I try to send birthday cards to families on birthdays of their sweet babies whom others forget about & don't acknowledge on such a bittersweet day. Noah's brief life taught me to live in the moment & embrace it. In the back of my mind is often the thought, what if I lost another child today, what would matter the most? That stack of dirty dishes that need done or waiting to do them and taking the kids for a walk instead? Though Noah is no longer breathing, I am and with every breath I continue to take I will allow his legacy & story to live on through my life.

Capture Your Grief- Myth

Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it

"Time heals all wounds."

This statement is so false. People said many things to me thinking they were helping, one of which was this or a similar phrase. Losing a child leaves a hole in you forever. Every day my heart aches with missing my son. Time will never remove that or heal me. All time has done is allow me to learn to live with my grief, to weave it into each breath I take. My son's death is a wound that will never heal until I am made whole again in Heaven.

Along the lines of time, another thing that has been implied is that because my son didn't live very long, my grief isn't as significant as someone whose child lived many years. That because I didn't get to form many memories with Noah, I shouldn't feel the pain as deep as someone who lost a child that they held for many years. In talking with others who have lost a child that lived for many years, the depth of our grief is still the same no matter how long or short a child lived. In fact, one mom told me she is thankful she at least has the memories, the reminder of their childs laugh, she got to see them smile and she felt saddened for me I didn't get to experience those things with Noah. The level or significance of our grief is not measured by how long a child lived or didn't live!!

Now that I am thinking about time, yet another myth is that we should "be over" our grief after a few months. Yes, I was told this by people just a few months after Noah died sadly. Even now, this is still implied when I talk about Noah or mention about having a tough day due to grief. I will never "be over" my son! To do so would deny his life and my love for him.