National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

While October gets a lot of attention for breast cancer awareness month, it's not as well known that October is also National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. 1 in 4 women have experienced the death of their child through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death like I did with my son Noah. Yet this is something that isn't widely talked about. We need to break the silence and help spread awareness so moms like myself can get the support they need and have their child remembered & included like our living children. 

October 15th is the day set aside for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day where many support groups around the country hold remembrance walks, balloon releases as well as lighting a candle at 7pm in your timezone to create a world-wide wave of light. I'll post a reminder that day but please feel free to join us wherever you are by writing a gone-too-soons baby's name of someone you know (and be sure to share it with them) or write my son Noah's name and share the picture on our Facebook page. You could also light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon and share the photo on Facebook.

For those wanting to participate in a healing project that lasts all month, check out Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief project she is hosting. I've been participating in this the last few years and it's a wonderful way to connect with other bereaved moms. I love that I feel like I am not only "allowed" but invited to share about my son and our journey during a month dedicated to our sweet babies.

Do you do something special this month to remember a baby gone too soon from your life, whether your own child or someone else's?

Capture Your Grief- Sunset

Sunset:

 To close this project and this month of Baby Loss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world.

I saw this sunset from my back porch, barely peeking through the trees. I was in the middle of making supper, but I stopped what I was doing, grabbed my keys & camera and ran out the door with barely a word to the family. I knew I had just minutes to quickly drive around the corner to try and capture this magnificent sunset. This picture doesn't even do it justice. It was breathtaking. 

I sat in the middle of the quiet, abandoned road with my car in park as I tried to capture the beauty of God's hand-painted picture. As I sat there completely alone, I cried for all I was missing. 

My son. 

My Noah.

Oh how my heart still breaks in a million pieces even 3 years later. 3 long years. How can this possibly be? How am I still here, functioning?? I honestly have no idea. I don't know how I got to this point, still standing. Only by the grace of God is all I can figure out. That & a few caring people who have stuck by us.

I still have my days I can barely function. Oh, most wouldn't know anymore around me because I've gotten better at hiding it, or maybe they just don't want to recognize it anymore. It's easier for others to forget my son & my grief.  I think that's more what it is. People think after a few months you should be "all better". I won't ever be, not until the day I die. Blessed are those who realize this & still love me. Still stand by me. Those who ignore or forget my son intentionally, I have no words. I can't imagine treating others like I have been treated by you. May you never experience this gut wrenching ache.

This is a hard, lonely path as I've come to discover. But there have been amazing blessings along the way. Many of which I can't put into words. I've had some amazing people brought into my life because our heavenly babies brought us together. I've learned what true joy means & have a deeper appreciation of life. I've learned to ignore the petty things & embrace who & what truly matters. I have become a better mom to my living children.

All because of Noah.

My dear son, you have taught me a lifetime of lessons in your brief life. I still continue to learn and will until the day I see you again. I love & miss you more than you know!!!

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Matthew 5:4

Capture Your Grief- Support

Support: 

Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?

The word support brings up many emotions for me. On one hand, it brings hurt & disappoint as there were  those who should've been here for us after Noah died yet they turned their back on us for selfish reasons. But on the other hand, we really got to experience people being the hands & feet of Jesus and reaching out to us in so many ways. Even people who we didn't know well or never met face to face.  Some of these dear people have since become close friends! I will always be grateful to those friends & few family members who willingly chose to help us carry this burden of grief & didn't shy away. The occasional phone calls, notes, little gifts or items people give us that reminds them of Noah, photos with his name written out, including his name in Christmas cards, just someone texting or emailing to say they were thinking of Noah & I, etc are just many ways people have supported us these last 3 years. 

Special organizations who also offer great support are 

Sufficient Grace Ministries & Sweet Pea Project

I took this photo in St Maarten 4 months after Noah died

Capture Your Grief- Time

Time: 

How long has it been since your baby died.

It's been 1200 days since Noah died.

3 years

3 months

&

12 days

Seems like it was yesterday, yet it feels like forever.

Capture Your Grief- Wave of Light

Wave Of Light: 

Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

We participated in Sweet Pea Project's balloon release & came home to light our candle in remembrance of EVERY baby gone too soon. This is our Hope candle lit in front of Noah's weighted bear.

Capture Your Grief- Books

Book:

 Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.

I have read several books since Noah died that have really touched me & helped me not to feel so alone in my feelings. One of my favorites was I Will Carry You. I was given this before I had Noah but couldn't bring myself to read it until after he died. She was also given a fatal prenatal diagnosis & everything she shared resonated so much with me. I felt & thought the same things! 

(click picture for link)

Another book I read was "Choosing to See" by Steven Curtis Chapman's wife, MaryBeth. While the loss of her daughter was entirely different circumstances, again, the grief & feelings from losing a child were the same. I appreciated her perspective & encouraging words.

(click picture for link)

"Empty Cradle Broken Heart" was another book the truly grasped the pain a babyloss mom feels and what she goes through.

(click picture for link)

This link shares a few of my resources I have used. There are many others I still need to link to as well as many others out there I have yet to discover.

Capture Your Grief- Articles

Article: 

Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.

Oh goodness, I have came across so many articles that are worthy of reading over the last few years I wouldn't know where to start with sharing some of them. Same with blogs. I follow many awesome blogs from babyloss moms that I often find myself relating to & appreciating their openness. Occasionally I have posted some of the articles or blog links at the end of my blog posts over the years.  Many have been articles that I can relate to and many are articles that people who haven't lost a child need to read to help educate themselves on in hopes they would quit judging us babyloss families & offer support instead.

These are just a few of the many great articles & blogs out there!

Why Bullying About Griefs (lack of) Timeline is Unhelpful
Dear Non-bereaved Mama
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle, it's a life sentence

Capture Your Grief- Emotional Triggers

Emotional Triggers: 

What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

I took this picture in June at the Sweet Pea Project brother & sisters picnic (a picnic held for kids who have had a sibling die). I was overdue with Ava (which is why she isn't in the picture). There are SOOOO many triggers for my grief, I wouldn't know where to start listing them. But a big one is family pictures. I can't publicly share pictures unless Noah is somehow represented like the above picture or unless we have his picture that we hold included.

This is just one of many triggers of grief for me. Holidays, birthdays, anniversary dates, winter & cold weather, rainy/dreary days, seeing brothers playing together, etc all can bring me to tears in a matter of seconds. There are also things that just hit me out of the blue that I wouldn't have expected to affect me.

Capture Your Grief- Music

Music: 

This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

The first song that comes to mind when I think of Noah is "Hello Goodbye" by Michael W Smith. Not only do the lyrics fit our situation perfectly, but the song also includes his name in the chorus!! The above video is the video I put together for his memorial service using this song.

Capture Your Grief- Ritual

Ritual:

 Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

Each day I wear at least one of my pieces of jewelry that represent Noah (just realized I am missing a piece from this picture, a baby's ring & birthstone pendant friends gave me).

Also, any time I pray, I ask Jesus to give Noah a hug for me and to tell him how much I love & miss him!

On Noah's birthday, I always make him a cake. I gather names of other baby's gone too soon & write their names on a sky lantern to release. (last years release. I am still working on putting together the one from his past birthday).We also visit his grave and leave little gifts or a piece of cake and sing happy birthday to him.

Capture Your Grief-Memory

Memory: 

What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

It's impossible for  me to choose just one memory of Noah as I have so many that flood my thoughts. But looking at this picture, I remember feeling just pure love & joy over finally having my much-wanted baby in my arms, even if it was only brief. 

Capture Your Grief- Legacy

Legacy: 

Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

I definitely feel Noah left behind a legacy that continues to ripple on. I can't even begin to list the many ways his life continues to affect us and those around us.  Because of him, I am able to reach out and help other moms who have lost a child. I try to send birthday cards to families on birthdays of their sweet babies whom others forget about & don't acknowledge on such a bittersweet day. Noah's brief life taught me to live in the moment & embrace it. In the back of my mind is often the thought, what if I lost another child today, what would matter the most? That stack of dirty dishes that need done or waiting to do them and taking the kids for a walk instead? Though Noah is no longer breathing, I am and with every breath I continue to take I will allow his legacy & story to live on through my life.