National Pregnancy and Infant Death Awareness Day

The month of October is recognized all over for being Breast Cancer Awareness month but many people unfortunately don't know that it is also Pregnancy & Infant Death Awareness month as well. Yes, I realize most places call it pregnancy & infant loss awareness month but if you ask many moms, we prefer the word death rather than loss. We didn't lose our child, they died.

International bereaved mother’s day

Many don't know that Mother’s Day was actually created in honor of a bereaved mother. Anna Jarvis founded the official Mother’s Day in 1908 to honor her own mother, Ann. Ann Jarvis gave birth to around a dozen children but only 4 survived to grow into adults. The meaning of this day has become lost because of the commercialization that so often happens, so Carly Marie set aside this day to especially remember bereaved moms.

Gone Too Soon. . .

I just came across this song. It is SO fitting!!

Not a day goes by Noah that I don't think of you!!!

"J" is for July

When July rolls around, many different thoughts cross my mind:

-Over half this year has passed already

-Summer is now on the downhill slope towards fall (seriously, we will soon start seeing back-to-school supplies and fall decor in the stores. Summer things are already getting marked down!)

-We will soon be starting school (yes we start early but we are also done end of April/beginning of May just as the weather turns nice!)

-3 of my children have birthdays in July

-Only 2 of the above children are here physically to celebrate their birthdays

Ultimately, when July rolls around, I am even more reminded of the hole in our family. Noah. My sweet, deeply loved & missed son. We are celebrating his 4th birthday this year. It's hard to believe it's been that long since his birth & death. What makes his birthday even more bittersweet is Noah's little sister, our rainbow baby, was born on Noah's 1st birthday! So we always have 2 birthday cakes on July 13th but only one child to blow out the candles, a day of laughter mixed with tears. I have been having some tougher moments again lately as I relive everything from 4 years ago but such is the journey of having had a child die.

So once again July, I take you day by day.

If you would like to help us remember Noah's brief life, you can check out this post for some ideas.

My previous #abcblogging posts:

"A" is for "About Me"

"B" is for "Being a Mom"

"C" is for "Creating Awareness"

"D" is for "Disney"

"E" is for "Eggplant"

"F" is for "Fresh Salad in a Jar"

"G" is for "Grilled Chicken & Bacon Shish Kabobs"

"H" is for "Help Us Celebrate"

"I" is for "Italian Veggie Soup"

Signs from Heaven

Last fall, I had shared a post about signs from Noah. Those special things that happen out of nowhere that remind me Noah & Jesus love and care about me.

Earlier in the week, I was having one of "those" grief days, they've been happening more frequently lately. This time of year is tough with the holidays and knowing my son isn't here. I was feeling so unmotivated and not up to doing anything. I forced myself out of the house even if it was only to drop off a book at the library and a stop at the bank. My 2 youngest were napping so it was a rare few moments alone.

My older kids told me to swing by the Reuzit store (a second hand shop) to see if I could find any Christmas decorations for a party I was going to be hosting. So I stopped by to take a quick look around.

There are several areas and many shelves filled will all sorts of Christmas themed knick knacks, ornaments & really anything you can imagine that people would donate. I was walking around with several pieces in my hands trying to envision a sort of arrangement I could make all the while keeping my eye out for other pieces I could possibly add to it.

I was pretty much done but felt drawn back to an area I had already passed. As I came to this corner, I stopped and looked down on the shelf. I saw this piece of material folded up. I don't know why I even bothered to pick it up as I had already walked by it earlier. At first glance while it was folded up, it didn't look like it belonged in the Christmas section but rather in the craft area.

Whatever it was, was still brand new with tags on it from Michael's.

I opened it up and my jaw just dropped and I got tears in my eyes. I was dumbstruck and had to read it twice before it truly sunk in:

Wow!! Talk about an obvious sign! Of course I didn't hesitate and bought it!! It looks like it was meant to be the front of a large pillow but I think I am going to turn it into a wall hanging.

I like to think the "and friends" part are the babies of so many of my friends, both online & in real life, who are also in Heaven with Noah!

I'm so very thankful for these precious signs at a time especially most needed!

My Heart Hurts

It's been a crazy last few days. So it goes. We just packed up a box for Operation Christmas Child. We started participating in this charity after Noah died, figuring since we can't give him gifts, we can bless a boy his age with some gifts. That's what makes it bittersweet. We LOVE being able to shop & pick out special things for a child Noah's age.

But as we put everything into a box tonight and wrote a Christmas card to this unknown boy & took a picture for him, it all hits me. I should be anticipating buying gifts for my 3 year old.

I just can't stop crying.

I am missing Noah SO MUCH!!!!

This just sucks. It's an ache that is just indescribable.  One that is always there under the surface and sometimes things like packing this box just knocks the wind out of me.

While I am thankful we can bring a smile to the face of a sweet little boy in a far away country, I still wish I had my son here to wrap gifts for. I still at times question God and ask WHY did he feel the need to take my son Home so soon.

It truly isn't fair. So  many people take their children for granted and here I am longing & aching for my sweet Noah. A piece of me that will always be missing with every breath I take.

Dear Jesus, take this box of gifts and use it to bless a precious boy in memory of Noah. I pray this boy knows how much he is loved and knows we are praying for him!!!

Capture Your Grief- Sunset

Sunset:

 To close this project and this month of Baby Loss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world.

I saw this sunset from my back porch, barely peeking through the trees. I was in the middle of making supper, but I stopped what I was doing, grabbed my keys & camera and ran out the door with barely a word to the family. I knew I had just minutes to quickly drive around the corner to try and capture this magnificent sunset. This picture doesn't even do it justice. It was breathtaking. 

I sat in the middle of the quiet, abandoned road with my car in park as I tried to capture the beauty of God's hand-painted picture. As I sat there completely alone, I cried for all I was missing. 

My son. 

My Noah.

Oh how my heart still breaks in a million pieces even 3 years later. 3 long years. How can this possibly be? How am I still here, functioning?? I honestly have no idea. I don't know how I got to this point, still standing. Only by the grace of God is all I can figure out. That & a few caring people who have stuck by us.

I still have my days I can barely function. Oh, most wouldn't know anymore around me because I've gotten better at hiding it, or maybe they just don't want to recognize it anymore. It's easier for others to forget my son & my grief.  I think that's more what it is. People think after a few months you should be "all better". I won't ever be, not until the day I die. Blessed are those who realize this & still love me. Still stand by me. Those who ignore or forget my son intentionally, I have no words. I can't imagine treating others like I have been treated by you. May you never experience this gut wrenching ache.

This is a hard, lonely path as I've come to discover. But there have been amazing blessings along the way. Many of which I can't put into words. I've had some amazing people brought into my life because our heavenly babies brought us together. I've learned what true joy means & have a deeper appreciation of life. I've learned to ignore the petty things & embrace who & what truly matters. I have become a better mom to my living children.

All because of Noah.

My dear son, you have taught me a lifetime of lessons in your brief life. I still continue to learn and will until the day I see you again. I love & miss you more than you know!!!

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Matthew 5:4

Capture Your Grief- Support

Support: 

Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?

The word support brings up many emotions for me. On one hand, it brings hurt & disappoint as there were  those who should've been here for us after Noah died yet they turned their back on us for selfish reasons. But on the other hand, we really got to experience people being the hands & feet of Jesus and reaching out to us in so many ways. Even people who we didn't know well or never met face to face.  Some of these dear people have since become close friends! I will always be grateful to those friends & few family members who willingly chose to help us carry this burden of grief & didn't shy away. The occasional phone calls, notes, little gifts or items people give us that reminds them of Noah, photos with his name written out, including his name in Christmas cards, just someone texting or emailing to say they were thinking of Noah & I, etc are just many ways people have supported us these last 3 years. 

Special organizations who also offer great support are 

Sufficient Grace Ministries & Sweet Pea Project

I took this photo in St Maarten 4 months after Noah died

Capture Your Grief- Wave of Light

Wave Of Light: 

Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

We participated in Sweet Pea Project's balloon release & came home to light our candle in remembrance of EVERY baby gone too soon. This is our Hope candle lit in front of Noah's weighted bear.

Capture Your Grief- Books

Book:

 Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.

I have read several books since Noah died that have really touched me & helped me not to feel so alone in my feelings. One of my favorites was I Will Carry You. I was given this before I had Noah but couldn't bring myself to read it until after he died. She was also given a fatal prenatal diagnosis & everything she shared resonated so much with me. I felt & thought the same things! 

(click picture for link)

Another book I read was "Choosing to See" by Steven Curtis Chapman's wife, MaryBeth. While the loss of her daughter was entirely different circumstances, again, the grief & feelings from losing a child were the same. I appreciated her perspective & encouraging words.

(click picture for link)

"Empty Cradle Broken Heart" was another book the truly grasped the pain a babyloss mom feels and what she goes through.

(click picture for link)

This link shares a few of my resources I have used. There are many others I still need to link to as well as many others out there I have yet to discover.

Capture Your Grief- Articles

Article: 

Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.

Oh goodness, I have came across so many articles that are worthy of reading over the last few years I wouldn't know where to start with sharing some of them. Same with blogs. I follow many awesome blogs from babyloss moms that I often find myself relating to & appreciating their openness. Occasionally I have posted some of the articles or blog links at the end of my blog posts over the years.  Many have been articles that I can relate to and many are articles that people who haven't lost a child need to read to help educate themselves on in hopes they would quit judging us babyloss families & offer support instead.

These are just a few of the many great articles & blogs out there!

Why Bullying About Griefs (lack of) Timeline is Unhelpful
Dear Non-bereaved Mama
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle, it's a life sentence

Capture Your Grief- Emotional Triggers

Emotional Triggers: 

What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

I took this picture in June at the Sweet Pea Project brother & sisters picnic (a picnic held for kids who have had a sibling die). I was overdue with Ava (which is why she isn't in the picture). There are SOOOO many triggers for my grief, I wouldn't know where to start listing them. But a big one is family pictures. I can't publicly share pictures unless Noah is somehow represented like the above picture or unless we have his picture that we hold included.

This is just one of many triggers of grief for me. Holidays, birthdays, anniversary dates, winter & cold weather, rainy/dreary days, seeing brothers playing together, etc all can bring me to tears in a matter of seconds. There are also things that just hit me out of the blue that I wouldn't have expected to affect me.

Capture Your Grief- Music

Music: 

This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

The first song that comes to mind when I think of Noah is "Hello Goodbye" by Michael W Smith. Not only do the lyrics fit our situation perfectly, but the song also includes his name in the chorus!! The above video is the video I put together for his memorial service using this song.

Capture Your Grief- Ritual

Ritual:

 Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

Each day I wear at least one of my pieces of jewelry that represent Noah (just realized I am missing a piece from this picture, a baby's ring & birthstone pendant friends gave me).

Also, any time I pray, I ask Jesus to give Noah a hug for me and to tell him how much I love & miss him!

On Noah's birthday, I always make him a cake. I gather names of other baby's gone too soon & write their names on a sky lantern to release. (last years release. I am still working on putting together the one from his past birthday).We also visit his grave and leave little gifts or a piece of cake and sing happy birthday to him.

Capture Your Grief-Memory

Memory: 

What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

It's impossible for  me to choose just one memory of Noah as I have so many that flood my thoughts. But looking at this picture, I remember feeling just pure love & joy over finally having my much-wanted baby in my arms, even if it was only brief. 

Capture Your Grief- Legacy

Legacy: 

Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

I definitely feel Noah left behind a legacy that continues to ripple on. I can't even begin to list the many ways his life continues to affect us and those around us.  Because of him, I am able to reach out and help other moms who have lost a child. I try to send birthday cards to families on birthdays of their sweet babies whom others forget about & don't acknowledge on such a bittersweet day. Noah's brief life taught me to live in the moment & embrace it. In the back of my mind is often the thought, what if I lost another child today, what would matter the most? That stack of dirty dishes that need done or waiting to do them and taking the kids for a walk instead? Though Noah is no longer breathing, I am and with every breath I continue to take I will allow his legacy & story to live on through my life.

Capture Your Grief- Myth

Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it

"Time heals all wounds."

This statement is so false. People said many things to me thinking they were helping, one of which was this or a similar phrase. Losing a child leaves a hole in you forever. Every day my heart aches with missing my son. Time will never remove that or heal me. All time has done is allow me to learn to live with my grief, to weave it into each breath I take. My son's death is a wound that will never heal until I am made whole again in Heaven.

Along the lines of time, another thing that has been implied is that because my son didn't live very long, my grief isn't as significant as someone whose child lived many years. That because I didn't get to form many memories with Noah, I shouldn't feel the pain as deep as someone who lost a child that they held for many years. In talking with others who have lost a child that lived for many years, the depth of our grief is still the same no matter how long or short a child lived. In fact, one mom told me she is thankful she at least has the memories, the reminder of their childs laugh, she got to see them smile and she felt saddened for me I didn't get to experience those things with Noah. The level or significance of our grief is not measured by how long a child lived or didn't live!!

Now that I am thinking about time, yet another myth is that we should "be over" our grief after a few months. Yes, I was told this by people just a few months after Noah died sadly. Even now, this is still implied when I talk about Noah or mention about having a tough day due to grief. I will never "be over" my son! To do so would deny his life and my love for him.

Capture Your Grief-2013

October is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month (established in 1988 by President Ronald Reagan). Since Noah died, I've been participating in different activities during this month, both in hopes of breaking the silence & taboo surrounding infant death as well as a way to honor & remember my son. Even though I talk about & do things for Noah at all times during the year, I feel like this month is a time I can freely do so without judgement from others as SO many other moms are remembering their children this month as well.

Last year I participated in Carly Marie's photo project of "capturing our grief" with a photo challenge and topics to share about during the month of October in honor of our babies gone too soon. I am also going to do my best to take part in it this year as much as time allows.

My heart has been heavy again lately. We were on a mini-vacation last week with friends and the hole in our family left by Noah weighed heavily on me. As we got to the boardwalk the one evening, I just started sobbing out of no where (sorry dear friends for the break down). But it hit me that we should've been watching my 3 year olds wide-eyed expression as he took in all the excitement and activity of a busy beach boardwalk while yanking on our hand to go see this & that and pest for a special treat.

Some days I still can hardly believe I was brought down this path of parenting a child in Heaven. It just goes against everything natural. We expect to say goodbye to grandparents, parents or even a spouse but never were we intended to bury a child. No wonder the "experts" say childloss is one of the worst grief experiences ever. It doesn't matter how long your child lived either, whether a few weeks in the womb or 40 years on earth, the pain left behind just.plain.sucks. Somedays we just need to call it what it is.

Today's topic from Carly is: Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

Our sweet son's name is Noah Alexander. I am not sure how exactly we selected his name to be honest. We have a tradition that we want all of our kids to have a name from the Bible for either their first or middle name. We just loved how strong the name Noah Alexander sounded. Noah means peace & comfort and Alexander means warrior. We had chosen his name before we learned of his fatal diagnosis and I'd say his name suited him to a "T". He sure was a fighter & warrior and overcame many odds the doctors said he wouldn't. He also brought us a sense of comfort and still does. He reminded us of the peace & comfort Jesus has given us despite having a grieving heart.

We had no idea when I was in labor if Noah would be born alive or not as the hospital suggested not to have the normal fetal monitoring. They said he wouldn't survive labor and they didn't want us to hear when his heart stopped. Our doctor took special care in slowly delivering him, turning him before he was even out of me so the kids could take pictures and she waved his arm at us. I think we were all holding our breath as he was placed lovingly on my chest not knowing if he was alive or not. That first cry he gave us set us all off in tears, our precious son was born alive!!! A prayer everyone was praying ever so hard for! We asked that we'd be granted just a few minutes of alive time and not only were we given a few minutes, we were given 9 miraculous hours the doctors said would NEVER happen!! This same child whom they said would be preemie size was a whopping 6lbs 10oz & 19" long just like his 4 older sibling were all also 19". He was also born 9 days late when they said he would be born early.

Noah had the most chubbiest, kissable cheeks and even though he had a full cleft lip, it was just so him!!! I can't even begin to picture what he looks like in Heaven with a perfect body. He had a decent amount of hair and it was lighter like Erik's had been. In fact, it almost looked like he had a tinge of red to it and I often wonder what his hair would've eventually turned to as all my kids hair changed as they got older.

One of the hardest parts of your child dying is never knowing the person they fully would've developed into. I know beyond a doubt he was stubborn & a fighter as most babies with Trisomy 13 miscarry in the first 3 months of pregnancy, let alone go on to live like Noah did. His short but amazing life continues to ripple on touching many others in ways I can only ever hope to achieve.

Noah Alexander

My Son

My 5th child

A brother

A grandson

A great-grandson

A cousin

A nephew

He is, not was.

A thank you & Noah's painting

Well, I fell off the bandwagon and missed a few days of my 31 day blog challenge. I knew it would be a stretch for me considering it was during the month of July, the hardest month for me to live through anymore with Noah's birthday & anniversary of his death during this month. I was hanging in there but then my grandpa died last weekend and what little rope I was clinging onto to get through this month, snapped. I had already been reliving so many memories of this time frame with Noah, that grandpa's death really brought to surface even more emotions I had been trying to suppress. Especially because I am so close to my grandma, my heart just aches for her.

So I missed some days of posting and only did what I needed to which happened to be a few reviews that were due. Such is life, we set goals but sometimes God has a different path and we just need to roll with it, and rolling with the punches is something I have been learning these last few years.

I also just wanted to give a huge thank you to those who have been sending me messages, texts, calling and offering up prayers these last few weeks. I am so thankful that many of you realize what a bittersweet month this is for us. I very much appreciate those of you who acknowledged Noah's birthday as well!!!! It saddened me that those who should've acknowledged his birthday didn't, but it reminds me to focus on those that do care and remember and be grateful for these dear people.

And if you think I'm just being overly sensitive, please, please go read this article on what this babyloss mom shares. She shares many good things but just to highlight one of her statements:
If you chose to acknowledge my daughter’s birthday or the anniversary of her death on the first year, it’s terribly gut wrenching when you didn’t bother to acknowledge the second or third or fourth. Do you think any subsequent birthday or anniversary is not as sad for me?

She hits the nail on the head not only with birthdays but everything else she writes I totally relate 100%!

-I’ve been left repeatedly heart broken as friends that I truly loved and never thought would walk away from me tossed me into the too hard basket or – more hurtfully – the crazy basket

-It’s been on going to get my friends and family to understand what it’s like to walk in my shoes. I’m angry about that. When I should have been grieving, I was defending myself.

- I  personally know though, if I found out a family member or friend had been diagnosed with an illness or disease, or worse, their child, I would be on Google immediately finding out more about it and how I could help them the best. So why is it that this doesn’t seem to apply with the death of a child?

 I'd encourage you to read what she wrote and maybe you can get a glimpse into my thoughts from another perspective. The only way we are going to break the silence & misinformation on infant death and grieving is by educating those around us.

Several months ago, a dear friend who has been along on this journey from day one, blessed us with an amazing gift. She had a given a friend of hers a few photos of Noah and I and this talented friend painted a picture of Noah & I. This photo doesn't do it justice, it's simply breathtaking!!!!

Thank you again Shannon for this amazing gift!! We will always treasure it and think of you when we look at it!!

I haven't forgotten about the sky lantern video of babies names. With everything going on in the last week, it just took a back seat but I will be working on it as I get a chance. It was so great to be able to remember so many other babies as we celebrated Noah's life.

Thanks for bearing with me. I am starting to see this grief fog lifting and am working on getting back on track one step at a time!

3 years ago today. . .

I held my son as he took his last breath and met Jesus face to face. It was both the best & worst day of my life all in one single moment. The only reason I say it was the best.... the only positive thing I can take from that day was the experience of feeling the presence of Jesus in that room as he took Noah home. It's something I can't explain, this amazing peace was there and you literally felt Jesus surround us in that moment. It was a surreal experience, one that I have never felt before and haven't felt since.  But of course it was also the worst day of my life as my son died.

My.

Son.

Died.

It feels like yesterday yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. I can't believe it's been 3 years. That day 3 years ago as I walked out of the hospital with empty arms, I couldn't even envision the next day let alone several years down the road yet here I am, still standing.

And it's only by the grace of God I am.