National Pregnancy and Infant Death Awareness Day

The month of October is recognized all over for being Breast Cancer Awareness month but many people unfortunately don't know that it is also Pregnancy & Infant Death Awareness month as well. Yes, I realize most places call it pregnancy & infant loss awareness month but if you ask many moms, we prefer the word death rather than loss. We didn't lose our child, they died.

Wave of Light 2016

October is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. A time set aside to remember all babies that died during pregnancy or early infancy. October 15th is the specific day where many have special gatherings and activities to honor babies gone to soon. At 7pm in every time zone, there is a Wave of Light. This is for everyone around the world to light a candle for at least an hour in memory of their baby.

Every year I light at least one, if not several, candles in memory of my sweet Noah as well as many of my friends babies.

Day 3- After loss self portrait

I've never shared these photos anywhere. It is pictures of us during Noah's private graveside service. Just seeing this picture brings back the emotions from that day. I am thankful to have had a dear friend photograph everything during Noah's viewing, burial & memorial service as I can hardly remember anything from that day. Except the sickening feeling I had at seeing my son for the last time, holding him one more time, then tucking him into his casket. Those are memories etched into my head & heart until the day I am reunited with Noah. Just thinking of it all makes me sob to this day. There is no worse feeling than burying your child. It is just.not.fair.

On one hand this day feels just like yesterday but also feels like a lifetime ago. Oh how I miss my son SOOO much!! I wish I could say this ache goes away but it doesn't. I'm only learning how to cope with it as best as I can. I've been given a life sentence of living with a piece of my heart missing. 

 "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned,this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

John 9:1-3

There has been a person or 2 who implied via gossip to others that we did something to deserve our son dying which is so far from the truth!! The only thing we've done is give our lives to Jesus to direct as He sees fit. He obviously felt like we deserved the blessing of Noah so He could work in his life and ours for His own glory and I love how this verse portrays that exact thing!!!! God often uses negative things to display His works to the world, if we are willing to let him.

Day 1 & 2

Yesterday was such an incredibly busy day and due to some other things going on, I was unable to post my first picture for Capturing Your Grief.

I took this picture early Monday morning as we left for our homeschool co-op. It's a view up the road in our development as the view of the sunrise across from my house is blocked by trees.

Day #2  is a picture prior to our loss. I'm going to share 2. This first one was taken about 1 month before I found out I was pregnant with Noah. We were on vacation as a family at Disney World. I was obviously blissfully happy, unaware my life was going to be flipped upside down, making us face our worst nightmare. I am a totally different person now than I am in this picture. Grief totally changes you, both in good and bad ways.

 

This is a picture of me at 28 weeks pregnant with Noah. It was just a few weeks before we got his fatal diagnosis. At this point I was loving how pregnancy agreed with me and anxiously awaiting our 5th blessing. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine on this day that my time with my precious son was going to be limited. That he was going. to.die.

I can tell you my innocence is gone and I don't know if I've ever smiled this carefree since before Noah's diagnosis and death. I have a longing for Heaven that I never felt prior to Noah dying. I no longer sweat the small stuff, relish and appreciate the little things in life, brush off and ignore those who try to cause drama. It's amazing how you find out who truly cares about you & those who don't when you lose a child. I try my best to live in the here and now, appreciate those who chose to remain in our lives despite how tough our walk has been and to cherish every moment with my kids, all thanks to my precious Noah!! I know life could yet again change in the blink of an eye and I want to make the most of what God has blessed me with.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted of me what I asked of Him."

1 Samuel 1:27

Capturing Grief

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, with the 15th specifically set aside for special events. In light of this, Carly Marie is organizing a month long photograph challenge. She has a list of ideas for each day but this is just a guide.

(click on picture to enlarge to read the list)

I plan to participate and invite any of you who would like to do this to join me as well. You don't have to take a picture each day. And while you are welcome to share your pictures*, you can also keep them private. The idea is to help us reflect on our grief, help bring some healing as well as raise awareness for pregnancy loss & infant death.

*if you'd like to share your pictures via twitter or instagram, use the hashtag #captureyourgrief

"The reality is that we don't forget, move on, and have closure, but rather we honor, we remember, and incorporate our deceased children and siblings into our lives in a new way. In fact, keeping memories of your loved one alive in your mind and heart is an important part of your healing journey." 

~ Harriet Schiff