Tonight Erik prayed before supper. And in his prayer he cheerfully said "and Jesus, I can't wait to die so I can see Noah again". :-( I think that is how we all have felt lately. The faith of a child is so pure and amazing!!! I can't wait until we are all finally reunited as a family again someday. A piece of me will forever be missing until that glorious reunion happens!!!

A friend of mine shared this quote with me recently:

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you. If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul would one day make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you. If He would have told me "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you. If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal will drastically change", I still would have chosen you. Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you. Thank you God for letting me be his mommy!"-Author Unknown

And this is all SOOO true!!! I may have never willingly chosen this path for my life, but after being given the privilege of being blessed with Noah, I would not have chosen to have him changed in any way!!! He was & is SO perfect!!! To know God designed him JUST the way he was just blows me away. Because ya know, He took the time to make Noah special, set apart from the rest of us. And as hard as it is to be separated from my son right now, it is an honor to know God saw us fit to be given such an amazing gift in Noah!!!
So many times I've sat down to write here and find myself wondering just what do I write? I know most people are afraid to ask me how am I doing because honestly that answer changes depending on just what hour I may be asked. Some hours/days things are ok and I can even smile, then there are other times I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. And the difficult thing is, I never know just when the different emotions are going to surface.

I am so thankful and appreciative of those of you who have realized & said to us recently that you know this is a really long process and we are going to continue to need support. I really appreciate the cards and messages I still occasionally get letting us know we are still being thought about and prayed for. And God seems to know just when I need to hear that as I've recieved those at times when I am in most need of a supportive word.

Even just this past week I got a phone call one morning that someone wanted to bring us a meal (thank you Margaret!!!). That set the tone for my day and really gave me the encouragement and motivation to get through the day. I even managed to can some salsa then. She has been in my shoes and knew that we needed that blessing that day.

I'm sure many of you have wondered how the kids have been handling everything. They have been doing as well as can be. Their "Noah dolls" they received from our friends have been a true blessing in helping them cope. They all carry them everywhere and often talk about Noah while holding them. Hannah especially treats her doll just like she would've Noah. She puts pj's on him at night and changes him into an outfit in the morning. She is often seen "feeding" her doll a bottle every 2-3 hours. She will even ask me to "watch Noah" if she leaves the room and doesn't take him with her. It's so hard when she asks me that. And she does all this EVERY day!!

It's been amazing to see how this whole experience with Noah has really matured & given the kids an understanding in ways that are far beyond their years. We have had some really thought provoking conversations with them lately. It makes me wonder just what their futures may hold!!

Be Still My Soul

I woke up at 3am today and have been wide awake since. Yeah, I'm still having trouble sleeping which is frustrating. Because once I'm wide awake, my mind starts racing big time. It's in those hours I have so much time to think on things and remember just how much my heart aches for Noah. I figured part of the reason I didn't sleep well was because anticpating my post-partum checkup that I recently got back from.

Driving myself there opened up a ton of emotions. I haven't been on those roads since the day I went to have Noah and came home on those same roads after he died. My doctors office is also right across the street from where I gave birth to him. The last time I was at the doctors office was the day I had Noah. As I had went in that morning only to be sent to the hospital to have my water broke after being in labor for several days. The office where I had all my ultrasounds was also in this same building. I spent a lot of time there in those last 2 months of my pregnancy.

When I walked in, it was the same receptionist who saw me all those previous appointments. I knew she recognized me right away. But like so many other people, she didn't say anything to me other than what she had to. It hurts me so much to have people avoid me and not talk about Noah. He was a living, breathing person just like you and I. I love nothing more than being asked about Noah and talking about him. I even carry a small photo album of him with me everywhere I go, anxious to show him off to anyone who wants to see my son. Sure, I may tear up or even cry when talking about him, but it means so much to me to have others care about my son also.

Not only did she act like nothing ever happened, she handed me a questionnaire to fill out to determine if I have post-partum depression. I felt tears welling up in my eyes & I bit my lip to keep from bawling. It was so unfair to ask me to fill this out. Because honestly circling those answers made me look like a lunatic (and looking back now, I should've refused to fill that out). I wasn't your typical 5 week post-partum mom who may be dealing with depression. I am a mom whose son died and am dealing with heart-wrenching grief, plain & simple. This wasn't the first time this doctors office has treated me like a "normal" mom when in reality, they needed to be handling my situation (and those similar to mine) differently. You can't give moms like myself the typical paperwork or advice like you would those moms of healthy babies. It's hurtful.

I was so thankful I was going to be seeing the doctor that delivered Noah. I knew it would be hard seeing her but yet I also knew out of every doctor in that practice, she was the most understanding and compassionate out of all of them that I had seen over the months. She had even taken the time to send us a hand-written note a few weeks ago sharing her thoughts about the birth and the impression it made on her! I will be forever grateful that she was the one who delivered him.

As soon as she walked in, she came over and just gave me the biggest hug which of course made me cry. She was so kind in how she talked to and handled me. The first thing she told me was how much she was impressed by my family and that we made quite the impression on the hospital staff who are still talking about us, our kids, and how we handled our whole journey and time with Noah. I am so thankful Noah made a lasting memory with so many people!

I've really been wanting to get back into exercising but mentally just couldn't get myself do it lately. I really felt the urge to just get away for a bit tonight so I decided to go for a walk. But once I stepped outside, I started running.

And I ran and ran and didn't stop.

I felt so empty running as this was the first time I ran without Noah. I had ran two 5k races at 8wks and 29wks pregnant. Noah always seemed to love when I ran or biked based on his movements. As I ran, I started crying. Who knew it was possible to weep and run at the same time. But it is. The harder I sobbed, the faster I ran it seemed. Those poor cows and horses got quite the earful from me as I cried and screamed out to God all my hurt and frustrations.

It's just NOT FAIR!!!!! Why ME God?!? I have tried to live my life for You and raise my children to honor You, why would you take my son who was so desired and loved?! You could have performed a miracle and let him live!!!!

As I continued to cry and tell God just how much I long for Noah, I was reminded once again that there IS a reason to all of this. The hard part is that I have to trust God as I may never know on this side of Heaven just what that reason is. I admit, that is hard to accept. I just want answers, I'm only human. But I guess that is where faith comes in. Honestly, I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't have my faith in God and trusting His plan. That doesn't mean this makes losing Noah any easier, it doesn't. But it does give me HOPE!!!! And I am clinging to that with all my might right now.

A verse I came across today in reading is Psalm 119:49-50 "Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this; Your promise preserves my life."

As I was finishing up my run which ended up being over 3 miles long, the song my friends Kevin and Kerry recently reminded me of came to mind. I have sang this song in church for as long as I can remember, but not until losing Noah did I REALLY see and truly understand the meaning of the words of this song. Ever since they have shared this song, I have read over it many times, just clinging to the promises of the words. So I pulled up the song to listen to as I finished my run, trying to calm my soul.

Be still my soul! The Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God, to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul! Thy best, thy Heavenly friend through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul! Thy God doth undertake to guide thy future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake. All now mysterious, shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul! The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul! Thy hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone. Sorrow forget. Love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul! When change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
We took some much needed family time and went to the beach for the week (Aug 8-15). It was really good to get away from it all for awhile. While I don't want to leave the house and go to familiar places right now, I did find myself feeling ok to be at the beach. It was good to see the kids laughing and enjoying themselves and it felt good myself to be able to laugh for a change. We spent many hours laying out on the beach, the kids playing while I sat there getting lost in reading.

When Noah's 1 month birthday came, I found myself feeling a bit down, despite being on vacation. I had been doing really well all week until that point. And as the time came closer to going home, I noticed feelings of anxiety creeping back. I try so hard not to let that happen, but it still does no matter what I do.

So the last few days have been spent trying to once again get back into reality, which I admit, is difficult. I am thankful to have many wonderful women placed into my life (both real life friends and online friends) who have gone down this road before me and who have been walking alongside of me, holding me up. It means a lot to be told that what I am feeling and how I'm reacting is normal and ok. Because when your in the midst of it all, it's hard to know which way is up at times as these feelings can completely overwhelm you.

I also want to thank the groups of women who have went out of their way to help keep Noah's memory alive. My homeschool co-op gave us a rose bush, a beautiful memorial plaque & gift card for us to make a memorial garden in Noah's honor. I will post pictures when I get things planted. My Junebug moms blessed us with buying a star in Noah's name* as well as a little gold childs ring I wear around my neck along with a birth stone pendant another friend gave me. It means SO much to us that others are remembering Noah's precious life!!!!

I was going through some of Noah's things today just wanting to feel close to him, and I came across the poem read during Noah's memorial service:

Your heart has been broken, I can see from up here
As you struggle along and wipe every tear.
If I only had words I could send you today
That would tell you I'm home and I'm really okay.

Heaven is beautiful with sparkles and white wings,
And the angels are teaching me so many things.
I'll grow and mature in this heavenly land
While holding on tightly to my Father's soft hand.

Then one day you'll join me in this home in the skies.
Our joy will be full with no more goodbye's.
So don't grieve for me now but find peace in your soul,
And know that God has finally made your little one whole.

Now, even if you can't seem to understand why,
Please know in your heart that our love didn't die.
He tells me that just for a time we must wait
And then I can meet you at Heaven's front gate.

*the star Noah Alexander Porsche can be found at 19h 36m 51s +50 13' 29" in the constellatiom Cygnus. You can also go to and put in his star address to view it that way.

Noah's video/1 month old

It's hard to believe Noah is 1 month old today. It's been such an incredibly difficult month. I didn't think it was possible to shed as many tears as I have these last few weeks. My heart & arms ache for my son SO much!! The kids often talk about what fun he must be having in heaven!!! I can't wait for the day when we are all reunited as a family!!

I wanted to share with you all the video I made for Noah's memorial service. The song I put to it is by Michael W. Smith and it sure feels like it was written just for us as Noah's name is even in it! I will include the lyrics below.

I love you Noah and I'll see you again soon!!!!!

I wanted to post his video directly here but I am having problems with it not showing up correctly. Just go to this link to view it.....

by: Michael W. Smith

Where's the Navigator of your destiny?
Where is the Dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and its brevity
'Cause there is nothing here I can understand
You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet
Noah, hello, goodbye
I will see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I will see you on the other side
And so I hold your tiny hand in mind
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there, save me a place
A place where I, can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile
Noah, hello, goodbye
I will see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I will see you on the other side.
This week has been a bit of a tough week. We started to slowly try to ease into some semblance of a routine. I know the emotions would've happened whether we did that this week or 3 weeks from now. No matter when we would've done it, it was going to be a process and emotional. I am never one to put off the inevitable if I can. I jump in with both feet, meet a challenge head on and pray I can muddle through it.

As we went through this week with starting schooling & babysitting, it seemed like we were back where we were this time last year, or even a few months ago. And in my mind, it felt like what just happened these last few weeks/months. Was it all just a bad dream?? Yet the constant pain reminds me it wasn't a dream. I don't know how to express just how I've been feeling. And really, unless you've been there, most people probably wouldn't understand.

I was thankful that Michele and Jen were able to stop by this week to visit with me. That was the highlight of my week and the only time I really felt good for a change. I really appreciated them taking the time from their schedules to make time to come & see me (we all live pretty spread apart so it takes some coordination to get together).

Again, I have really appreciated all the notes, messages & cards you all have given us. I still really have a hard time talking besides this blog, but I really have appreciated you all thinking of us and the prayers also. Please know I do read everything mulitple times to get through my days.

I needed some odds-n-ends today and finally bit the bullet to leave the house for the first time in 3wks. I did take Susan to speech therapy on Wednesday, but I have not been anywhere else since Noah's service 3wks ago. I dreaded going out but was trying hard to talk myself into it. But even with doing that, I still experianced a lot of anxiety. It's hard to describe just how it feels. Even being an EMT, I've dealt with patients experiancing anxiety so I know it's real. But experiancing it first hand gives you a whole new perspective.

I knew I wasn't able to leave the house without having Kevin with me. Prior to leaving, I got so unbelievable nauseous. We headed out to go to Amelias first. I thought I was going to puke. Getting there, I scan the parking lot hoping I didn't see any vehicles or people I recognized. I just know I won't be able to see or talk to people in general yet in public without crying. As we shopped, I noticed my hands were shaking uncontrollably. As we went to the few other places we needed to, it was still difficult. I found myself just looking at the ground, avoiding eye contact and just trying to hurry so we could leave and get home. I felt better once I knew we were finally headed home.

I forgot something when we were out and figured we could just get it at a nearby store. I had a relaxing afternoon watching the kids swim and felt a bit better, so I thought I would try to venture out quick on my own, which was a huge deal after what I went through this morning just trying to leave the house. I figured going to Giant near me, I wouldn't run into anyone I knew, so I felt ok. I was checking out and as I was paying the cashier said to me, "wow, this is an interesting combo and seems like someone has a pregnancy craving!". UGH, I bit my lip to keep from crying, paid and left to sit in my van and cry. She had no idea so it's not her fault. But still, it's things like this that make me hesitant to go anywhere or do anything. The pain of missing Noah & longing for him is still so unbelievably raw.

A glimpse of Noah's memorial service

I can hardly believe it's been 3wks since Noah was born. It seems like a lifetime ago. I've really kept to myself since then. I haven't left the house since his service over 2wks ago. I put a piece of mail in the mailbox the other day. That was the most I've been out of the house. I have no desire to go anywhere. This blog has pretty much been my only form of communication lately. And even this has been really difficult for me.

Thinking back on Noah's service, it went as best as could be expected. I felt in a fog that day. I had woke up at 2:30am that morning after barely sleeping. I felt nauseous and nervous all day. Those who have given birth, know that a few days after having a baby your body is physically not up to par, then add everything that we were going through, I just didn't feel well at all and was literally shaking on the way to church.

I remember being at church and finally going into the room to see Noah for the first time since he left us at the hospital. Walking into the room and seeing flowers and his little white casket made me burst into a fit of tears. This tiny, hand made casket held my precious son. Oh he looked beautiful though!!! He looked like he was peacefully sleeping and should wake up at any moment. He was wearing the outfit the kids & I picked out for him several weeks ago. A baby blue & white outfit with the saying "Little Brother" embroidered across his chest. His hands felt so soft. Noah looked SO amazing!! We stood there as a family just gazing at him. I knew this day would come but there is no way you can ever prepare for it or even imagine what you would feel.

The time came to end his viewing. The funeral director said I could hold Noah one more time if I wished. So I did. I wanted to feel my baby in my arms one last time. I can't even begin to describe my emotions or thoughts as he placed my son in my arms. I wanted to pause time, and pray desperately that he would wake up. I will be forever grateful for our wonderful friends Kevin & Kerry High ( who photographed our time together as well as our service. I know that day was a blur to me, but I'm so thankful they captured many memories of us and our son.

I don't know how long I held Noah for. We huddled around him together as a family. Finally, I had to hand him back to the funeral director who placed him back in his casket. He was wrapped in 2 hand made blankets. One was white with a baby blue border, made for & prayed over by some women just for circumstances like ours. Another blanket was anonymously given by a lady from our church. I wish I knew the entire story, but she went to our pastor and gave him this blanket she spent a lot of time making. She had been making it for a baby in her family who passed away and for whatever reason this baby hadn't received it. When she heard our story, she felt lead to give the blanket for Noah to be buried with. So together, we as a family lovingly tucked these 2 blankets around Noah. All we could see was his little face after we placed the blankets around him. As we stood there crying, the funeral director put the little white lid on his casket. What a sinking feeling that was.

We followed him out to the graveside. We were burying Noah prior to the memorial service just us as a family. I felt numb sitting there at the grave, staring at the casket that held my son. I was thankful it was sunny out and not raining. Noah was being buried next to my grandpa at our church. What is really ironic I guess you could say, is my grandpa died 27yrs ago the same exact day Noah died, July 14th. In fact, their funerals were even held the same day, July 18th. I was only 3 1/2 years old, but I remember vividly my grandpas viewing and being lifted to his casket to kiss him. Who would've ever guessed my son would be laid to rest next to him all these years later. Only God knows why my son was chosen to go to Heaven the same day as my grandpa. My grandpa missed out on seeing my kids but I'm sure he was standing there with open arms when Noah arrived in Heaven!

After our pastor did the graveside service, the kids each had a red, heart-shaped balloon they each kissed and released for Noah. The last several weeks, the kids often talked about how in the coming months, they plan to write Noah letters and send them to him in heaven via balloons. So it seemed fitting they send him their hearts that day!

It was hard to leave the graveside and head into the church. I was so amazed at how many people not only came to see Noah but also attend the service. It meant a lot to us. It was a beautiful service albeit hard for us as a family. Each of the kids wrote Noah a letter. They went up front with our friends Kevin & Sharon who read the kids letters. Hannah had actually chosen to read her letter herself. Which is quite amazing as I've mentioned before, she took things the hardest out of all the kids. But she did a great job reading her letter. We also shared a video I put together of photos of our time together that I will share sometime soon here.

We had a light meal in our fellowship hall following the service. By this point, I personally was so physically exhausted. It was nice though to see so many people there. We were the last to leave along with our pastor. As we were gathering our things, the kids asked if they could go say goodnight to Noah. I was not only physically exhausted but emotionally as well and was thankful Kevin was up to walking them out to the grave. They all went out to say goodnight to Noah which just broke my heart. They should've been tucking him in his crib for the night. Not walking out to his grave to say goodnight.