This week has been a bit of a tough week. We started to slowly try to ease into some semblance of a routine. I know the emotions would've happened whether we did that this week or 3 weeks from now. No matter when we would've done it, it was going to be a process and emotional. I am never one to put off the inevitable if I can. I jump in with both feet, meet a challenge head on and pray I can muddle through it.

As we went through this week with starting schooling & babysitting, it seemed like we were back where we were this time last year, or even a few months ago. And in my mind, it felt like what just happened these last few weeks/months. Was it all just a bad dream?? Yet the constant pain reminds me it wasn't a dream. I don't know how to express just how I've been feeling. And really, unless you've been there, most people probably wouldn't understand.

I was thankful that Michele and Jen were able to stop by this week to visit with me. That was the highlight of my week and the only time I really felt good for a change. I really appreciated them taking the time from their schedules to make time to come & see me (we all live pretty spread apart so it takes some coordination to get together).

Again, I have really appreciated all the notes, messages & cards you all have given us. I still really have a hard time talking besides this blog, but I really have appreciated you all thinking of us and the prayers also. Please know I do read everything mulitple times to get through my days.

I needed some odds-n-ends today and finally bit the bullet to leave the house for the first time in 3wks. I did take Susan to speech therapy on Wednesday, but I have not been anywhere else since Noah's service 3wks ago. I dreaded going out but was trying hard to talk myself into it. But even with doing that, I still experianced a lot of anxiety. It's hard to describe just how it feels. Even being an EMT, I've dealt with patients experiancing anxiety so I know it's real. But experiancing it first hand gives you a whole new perspective.

I knew I wasn't able to leave the house without having Kevin with me. Prior to leaving, I got so unbelievable nauseous. We headed out to go to Amelias first. I thought I was going to puke. Getting there, I scan the parking lot hoping I didn't see any vehicles or people I recognized. I just know I won't be able to see or talk to people in general yet in public without crying. As we shopped, I noticed my hands were shaking uncontrollably. As we went to the few other places we needed to, it was still difficult. I found myself just looking at the ground, avoiding eye contact and just trying to hurry so we could leave and get home. I felt better once I knew we were finally headed home.

I forgot something when we were out and figured we could just get it at a nearby store. I had a relaxing afternoon watching the kids swim and felt a bit better, so I thought I would try to venture out quick on my own, which was a huge deal after what I went through this morning just trying to leave the house. I figured going to Giant near me, I wouldn't run into anyone I knew, so I felt ok. I was checking out and as I was paying the cashier said to me, "wow, this is an interesting combo and seems like someone has a pregnancy craving!". UGH, I bit my lip to keep from crying, paid and left to sit in my van and cry. She had no idea so it's not her fault. But still, it's things like this that make me hesitant to go anywhere or do anything. The pain of missing Noah & longing for him is still so unbelievably raw.


  1. Oh Jen, I wish that I was close enough to give you a big hug! I had tears in my eyes reading this. Grieve and cry when you need to. Don't try to be strong for others, or try not to cry around them. the tears are healing, and there is a song that says "tears are a language God understands". I pray that God hugs you and holds you extra close today.

  2. Jen--

    After my daughter died, I didn't go anywhere for months without her scrapbooks. I had to take them with me to go to the grocery store. I felt like if people asked me if I had kids, I needed proof that I did. So, do whatever weird thing it takes to be able to function. (And I do go out without my scrapbooks now, but I always have a picture in my wallet in case someone asks about my kids.) Like Cindy said, let yourself cry; it will help you feel better. Someday talking about Noah will make you happy, not sad. But you have to get through the sad first.

  3. I wasnt able to go near walmarts baby section for the longest time...I also seemed to WANT people to be able to understand me and how I was feeling but at times it seemed like they didnt...well it probably was because they couldn't...I am so glad you are able to cry I wasnt for a long time and it is VERY healing...hugs...


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