Be Still My Soul

I woke up at 3am today and have been wide awake since. Yeah, I'm still having trouble sleeping which is frustrating. Because once I'm wide awake, my mind starts racing big time. It's in those hours I have so much time to think on things and remember just how much my heart aches for Noah. I figured part of the reason I didn't sleep well was because anticpating my post-partum checkup that I recently got back from.

Driving myself there opened up a ton of emotions. I haven't been on those roads since the day I went to have Noah and came home on those same roads after he died. My doctors office is also right across the street from where I gave birth to him. The last time I was at the doctors office was the day I had Noah. As I had went in that morning only to be sent to the hospital to have my water broke after being in labor for several days. The office where I had all my ultrasounds was also in this same building. I spent a lot of time there in those last 2 months of my pregnancy.

When I walked in, it was the same receptionist who saw me all those previous appointments. I knew she recognized me right away. But like so many other people, she didn't say anything to me other than what she had to. It hurts me so much to have people avoid me and not talk about Noah. He was a living, breathing person just like you and I. I love nothing more than being asked about Noah and talking about him. I even carry a small photo album of him with me everywhere I go, anxious to show him off to anyone who wants to see my son. Sure, I may tear up or even cry when talking about him, but it means so much to me to have others care about my son also.

Not only did she act like nothing ever happened, she handed me a questionnaire to fill out to determine if I have post-partum depression. I felt tears welling up in my eyes & I bit my lip to keep from bawling. It was so unfair to ask me to fill this out. Because honestly circling those answers made me look like a lunatic (and looking back now, I should've refused to fill that out). I wasn't your typical 5 week post-partum mom who may be dealing with depression. I am a mom whose son died and am dealing with heart-wrenching grief, plain & simple. This wasn't the first time this doctors office has treated me like a "normal" mom when in reality, they needed to be handling my situation (and those similar to mine) differently. You can't give moms like myself the typical paperwork or advice like you would those moms of healthy babies. It's hurtful.

I was so thankful I was going to be seeing the doctor that delivered Noah. I knew it would be hard seeing her but yet I also knew out of every doctor in that practice, she was the most understanding and compassionate out of all of them that I had seen over the months. She had even taken the time to send us a hand-written note a few weeks ago sharing her thoughts about the birth and the impression it made on her! I will be forever grateful that she was the one who delivered him.

As soon as she walked in, she came over and just gave me the biggest hug which of course made me cry. She was so kind in how she talked to and handled me. The first thing she told me was how much she was impressed by my family and that we made quite the impression on the hospital staff who are still talking about us, our kids, and how we handled our whole journey and time with Noah. I am so thankful Noah made a lasting memory with so many people!

I've really been wanting to get back into exercising but mentally just couldn't get myself do it lately. I really felt the urge to just get away for a bit tonight so I decided to go for a walk. But once I stepped outside, I started running.

And I ran and ran and didn't stop.

I felt so empty running as this was the first time I ran without Noah. I had ran two 5k races at 8wks and 29wks pregnant. Noah always seemed to love when I ran or biked based on his movements. As I ran, I started crying. Who knew it was possible to weep and run at the same time. But it is. The harder I sobbed, the faster I ran it seemed. Those poor cows and horses got quite the earful from me as I cried and screamed out to God all my hurt and frustrations.

It's just NOT FAIR!!!!! Why ME God?!? I have tried to live my life for You and raise my children to honor You, why would you take my son who was so desired and loved?! You could have performed a miracle and let him live!!!!

As I continued to cry and tell God just how much I long for Noah, I was reminded once again that there IS a reason to all of this. The hard part is that I have to trust God as I may never know on this side of Heaven just what that reason is. I admit, that is hard to accept. I just want answers, I'm only human. But I guess that is where faith comes in. Honestly, I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't have my faith in God and trusting His plan. That doesn't mean this makes losing Noah any easier, it doesn't. But it does give me HOPE!!!! And I am clinging to that with all my might right now.

A verse I came across today in reading is Psalm 119:49-50 "Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this; Your promise preserves my life."

As I was finishing up my run which ended up being over 3 miles long, the song my friends Kevin and Kerry recently reminded me of came to mind. I have sang this song in church for as long as I can remember, but not until losing Noah did I REALLY see and truly understand the meaning of the words of this song. Ever since they have shared this song, I have read over it many times, just clinging to the promises of the words. So I pulled up the song to listen to as I finished my run, trying to calm my soul.

Be still my soul! The Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God, to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul! Thy best, thy Heavenly friend through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul! Thy God doth undertake to guide thy future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake. All now mysterious, shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul! The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul! Thy hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone. Sorrow forget. Love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul! When change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

1 comment

  1. Jenn, my heart aches for you! Noah came to you for a short time, and in him you could see the face of God. His beauty surpassed worldly beauty. God entrusted you with an angel for a very short time: too short, I know. Then Noah was healed, but not as we would have wished. There will always be a special place in your heart that is empty and yearning for Noah.In time the pain will dim, the loss not so fresh, but in the meantime, take one day or one hour or one minute at a time. Grieve as you need to. Run and tell God how you feel. He won't be upset by that--He already knows. Your tears are a language when you can't speak. Share with others who have been there. And rest in the knowledge that God is there, and will always be. He is your Father, and loves you as you love Noah, as a parent. He is there, even when you can't feel Him. I will continue to keep you in my prayers!


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