Capture Your Grief-2013

October is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month (established in 1988 by President Ronald Reagan). Since Noah died, I've been participating in different activities during this month, both in hopes of breaking the silence & taboo surrounding infant death as well as a way to honor & remember my son. Even though I talk about & do things for Noah at all times during the year, I feel like this month is a time I can freely do so without judgement from others as SO many other moms are remembering their children this month as well.

Last year I participated in Carly Marie's photo project of "capturing our grief" with a photo challenge and topics to share about during the month of October in honor of our babies gone too soon. I am also going to do my best to take part in it this year as much as time allows.

My heart has been heavy again lately. We were on a mini-vacation last week with friends and the hole in our family left by Noah weighed heavily on me. As we got to the boardwalk the one evening, I just started sobbing out of no where (sorry dear friends for the break down). But it hit me that we should've been watching my 3 year olds wide-eyed expression as he took in all the excitement and activity of a busy beach boardwalk while yanking on our hand to go see this & that and pest for a special treat.

Some days I still can hardly believe I was brought down this path of parenting a child in Heaven. It just goes against everything natural. We expect to say goodbye to grandparents, parents or even a spouse but never were we intended to bury a child. No wonder the "experts" say childloss is one of the worst grief experiences ever. It doesn't matter how long your child lived either, whether a few weeks in the womb or 40 years on earth, the pain left behind Somedays we just need to call it what it is.

Today's topic from Carly is: Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

Our sweet son's name is Noah Alexander. I am not sure how exactly we selected his name to be honest. We have a tradition that we want all of our kids to have a name from the Bible for either their first or middle name. We just loved how strong the name Noah Alexander sounded. Noah means peace & comfort and Alexander means warrior. We had chosen his name before we learned of his fatal diagnosis and I'd say his name suited him to a "T". He sure was a fighter & warrior and overcame many odds the doctors said he wouldn't. He also brought us a sense of comfort and still does. He reminded us of the peace & comfort Jesus has given us despite having a grieving heart.

We had no idea when I was in labor if Noah would be born alive or not as the hospital suggested not to have the normal fetal monitoring. They said he wouldn't survive labor and they didn't want us to hear when his heart stopped. Our doctor took special care in slowly delivering him, turning him before he was even out of me so the kids could take pictures and she waved his arm at us. I think we were all holding our breath as he was placed lovingly on my chest not knowing if he was alive or not. That first cry he gave us set us all off in tears, our precious son was born alive!!! A prayer everyone was praying ever so hard for! We asked that we'd be granted just a few minutes of alive time and not only were we given a few minutes, we were given 9 miraculous hours the doctors said would NEVER happen!! This same child whom they said would be preemie size was a whopping 6lbs 10oz & 19" long just like his 4 older sibling were all also 19". He was also born 9 days late when they said he would be born early.

Noah had the most chubbiest, kissable cheeks and even though he had a full cleft lip, it was just so him!!! I can't even begin to picture what he looks like in Heaven with a perfect body. He had a decent amount of hair and it was lighter like Erik's had been. In fact, it almost looked like he had a tinge of red to it and I often wonder what his hair would've eventually turned to as all my kids hair changed as they got older.

One of the hardest parts of your child dying is never knowing the person they fully would've developed into. I know beyond a doubt he was stubborn & a fighter as most babies with Trisomy 13 miscarry in the first 3 months of pregnancy, let alone go on to live like Noah did. His short but amazing life continues to ripple on touching many others in ways I can only ever hope to achieve.

Noah Alexander
My Son
My 5th child
A brother
A grandson
A great-grandson
A cousin
A nephew
He is, not was.


  1. Oh so touching I love the picture of Noah with the sunrise behind it...perfect! You are such a good mommy!

  2. I agree time dose not ease the pain only the healing of Jesus in our hearts. We will ache for our babies until Heaven when forever will be enough time to mend our hearts.


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