Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Bittersweet



bittersweet
 [ˈbɪtəˌswiːt]
adj
1. tasting of or being a mixture of bitterness and sweetness
2. pleasant but tinged with sadness


I have used this word before Noah was born but it wasn't until after he died that I developed a better understanding of this word. I don't think you can fully grasp the depths this mere word tries to convey unless you have gone through something tragic and life changing.

Bittersweet describes the intermingling of feeling joy yet sadness, all in the very same moment. It truly is possible to experience such polar opposites in one breath as that's been my life since the day Noah left my arms.

I still do find joy and happiness even though one of my children aren't here with me, which is only by the grace of God that's for sure! But in that moment that I am feeling my heart overflowing in elation, it also causes me to catch my breath in anguish.

I could list numerous things that have been bittersweet moments for me since Noah died as there are multitudes.  One of the most recent is in seeing Olivia hit milestones that Noah never did. We're over the moon with her and feel so blessed at all she is doing (and she is doing a lot), but we can't help feeling the grief of missing out on who Noah would be today and seeing him interact with his little sister who is exactly a year younger than him.

Bittersweet.

It makes me cherish even more the things Olivia is learning and doing. It makes me slow down and appreciate all those little things she does that often get taken for granted by those who haven't experienced loosing a child. It makes me intentionally & purposefully parent her and the rest of the kids and not just go through the motions.

Bittersweet.

I see my 6 children and life in general in a whole new way because Noah taught me what bittersweet truly means. It's the ability to cherish, enjoy and appreciate life while still feeling grief.

~Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

6 comments:

  1. Dear Jenn, A friend posted your story on my Facebook page to read so I could pray for your family. It's amazing what your family has gone through...and so I came out to your blog to read a bit more of your story. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child. :( I have three healthy adult children and they were all healthy as babies and growing up. We had the normal scares from time to time that parents do, but nothing comparable to your situation with Noah. As I watched the video you put together for Noah's memorial service tears rolled down my face uncontrollably...not only for this precious little boy and all that he was going through, but also what appeared a true genuine happiness amidst you and your children and husband as you anticipated meeting your precious little one, regardless of how he'd enter this world. Your family is a walking testimony to me...of your strength you gained from the Lord...and the ability to stay strong at times when you probably could have felt weak...and maybe even did feel weak. Seeing your children, each one of them loving on Noah; it was apparent that you'd all come to terms with how long you'd have him if he was born alive...and you made the most of each second giving him all the kisses and hugs he could get while on this earth as shortlived as his life was. I admire your faith...and may it continue to be your familie's anchor through life...and beyond. God Bless you and yours abundantly...and You Jenn are a remarkable mother! May your children rise up and call you blessed! Take care...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Jenn, I I love this post I really need to get a right perspective. I have hit a hard spot....and I am not sure how to get better. Of coarse I am praying but I am really sad:( I am thankful to read your encouragement today. I am going to follow so I don't miss another post. Any words of wisdom for a low point? Did you experience times that seemed worse?

    ReplyDelete
  3. CC Catherine~ I can't thank you enough for your prayers, kind words and encouragement. I had tears in my eyes as I read what you wrote and it came at a much needed time. Thank you!! <3 As hard as these last 20 months have been since Noah went home, we know God has blessed us and is using Noah's life to reach many others and for that we are grateful!

    Tesha, I am SO sorry for all you are going through. It's SOO incredibly tough. I hit many rough spots in my first year and continue to still hit tough times even at 20 months out (and from what I read I will always experience hard days at times until I go home to Heaven). What you are feeling/experiencing is normal in our world of grief so please don't feel bad. Grief in missing your precious child is such a hard thing, it comes in waves and yes, some days are so much worse than others. At times, you can only focus a day at a time, other times you can only get through an hour at a time. I'd be happy to talk to you more if you'd like to email me: faithjoyhope@ymail.com Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. You do great things with your pain. No one should ever have to have this sort of pain. But Jenn you use it for good. I'm always amazed at the things I read from you. I know I have said this before to you, so I'll say it again. I'm not even sure that I would be able to handle all you have went through with the grace you have. God is with you! Praise be to Him!

    ReplyDelete
  5. this road is def bittersweet, something I, like you, didn't really understand until now

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss of Noah. How completely heart wrenching to know while carrying your sweet boy that something is so tragically wrong. You are such a good mommy and honor him in such an inspiring way. This is a beautiful post and so true. Feelings and emotions about everything is so intensified and truly puts things into perspective.

    ReplyDelete

I enjoy hearing from each & every one of you! Thanks for taking the time to comment. :)

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved