Yet another step

What a day it has been.

Several months ago, I went to inquire about headstones that I talked about here. Just recently, my kids pointed out a commercial from this same place that was advertising a sale for headstones for the month of October. I love sales and deals, but it was kinda depressing thinking about checking out a sale for headstones. But that's what the kids and I did earlier this week. After the kids homeschoolers gym & swim class, we went down the road to see what they were offering in their sale. This location had 3 stones to offer that they wanted to move out of their stock. The guy told me about 2 of them, then I asked him if by chance he had anything in black. He was like well actually yes. See, back when I looked at them before, I asked about what is required to have a picture etched on a stone. I was told it can only be done on black stone. Which of course is the most expensive stone. Not to mention what it cost to have a pic done. So as much as I wanted that, I knew it was out of the question. But I thought with this sale, it was worth the chance to ask.

So when he told me they had not only a black one included in this sale, but one that would be perfect, I was intrigued. I explained to him about my previous visit and my hopes for a picture of Noah on it but that I didn't think we could afford it. He showed this stone to the kids and I and said he is actually the person who does the etching (the gal I saw before was tied up with someone else so he showed me the specials). He said he'd be willing to etch Noah's pic at no added cost if I wanted this stone. W O W!!!!! (keep in mind I was quoted that this would cost about $600 to do). He wasn't able to access the price book but told me a rough cost of this headstone which was actually attainable. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to both cry yet cheer! I didn't think the headstone I wanted for Noah would ever be within my grasp and yet here it was almost available.

Long story short, and thanks to some very special people in my life, we are able to get the headstone we wanted for Noah. So today, we went to start the process. It was bittersweet for sure. First off, we were in the midst of a snow storm as we headed out. Seriously, this much snow in October is unheard of so that in itself makes this day one to remember. So add in picking out Noah's headstone with this snow and it's definitely a day we will all remember.

As we sat down to start discussing details, doesn't the song "Blessing" by Laura Story come on the radio. I could've cried, what a sign that was!!!! Gave me chills.

The kids had suggested an idea for Noah's stone, we are waiting to see if we can make it happen. This was definitely a family event. We wanted the kids included in this as well as we will all spend years to come visiting Noah's precious earthly resting place.

I should've been thinking about what Christmas gifts to pick out for my almost one and half year old, not designing his headstone. While doing this brought a sense of peace in having something special picked out for my son, it was also a reminder of the finality of it all.

Which downright sucks.

I miss my son......more than words could ever express!

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, the vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. It is in our most trying times that our real character is shaped and revealed."

~ Helen Keller

Soup!

Yesterday I finally had some time to tear up my kitchen (and maybe having 40lbs of sausage in the freezer that I only paid about $13 for played a part in my cooking itch lol). I decided to make 3 different kinds of soup for not only supper last night but to freeze as well for those days I need something quick for dinner. I figure if I'm chopping up stuff for 1 kind've soup, why not just keep chopping and make several pots of soup. In the long run, it cuts down on work doing it all at once.

I made 2 soups I've cooked many times, chicken corn noodle soup (which was simple to make with the chicken stock I've made and frozen in the past) and Zuppa Toscana that I previously shared here . I also tried a new soup recipe as well. I just got my favorite magazine last week in the mail, Taste of Home, (I'm a field editor of this as well!). When I saw a Lentil Tomato soup listed, I knew I had to try that. They gave the basic recipe then at the end there was some suggested added ingredients you could also toss in (sausage, kale & garam masala).

Lemme tell ya, the kids & I loved this soup! It was simple & inexpensive to make & tasted really good. I added the sausage & kale and while I didn't have garam masala, I had a few of the seasonings that make this up so I added what I had on hand. I made a double batch so I'd have plenty to freeze.

Since several of you on facebook were asking for the recipe, I just figured I'd share it here to make it easy to reference. :) And of course, a recipe isn't final without a picture.....

Lentil-Tomato Sausage Soup in back

Lentil-Tomato Sausage Soup

4 1/2c water

4 med carrots, sliced

1 med onion, chopped

2/3c dried lentils, rinsed

1 can (6oz) tomato paste

2 Tbsp minced fresh parsley

1 Tbsp brown sugar

1 Tbsp white vinegar

1 tsp garlic salt

1/2 tsp dried thyme

1/4 tsp dill weed

1/4 tsp dried tarragon (I didn't have this)

1/4 tsp pepper

In a large saucepan, combine the water, carrots, onion and lentils, bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 20-25 min or until lentils & vegetables are tender. Stir in the remaining ingredients, return to a boil. Reduce heat, simmer uncovered for 5 min to allow flavors to blend.

*If you want, you can add any combo of the following: a 1/2lb-1 lb of cooked sausage, 3c of fresh kale the last 5 minute of cooking or 3/4tsp garam masala.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
~ Ann Landers

A little bit of this'n'that...

I can hardly believe we are creeping up on the end of October. I still feel stuck back at the end of summer.  Pretty much since Olivia has been born things have kept us hopping (not like having an infant isn't busy enough! lol) Here's just a quick, scatterbrained recap of a few things from the last few months....

I started schooling the kids shortly after she was born because A) it was so hot out & the kids didn't want to be out during the hottest parts of the day and B) what else is there to do when I am spending 24/7 nursing a newborn! When Olivia was about 5wks old, we went on vacation with some friends to the beach which was unfortunately cut short due to hurricane Irene. We were forced to evacuate & drove home at 11pm. Oh the other memorable thing that week was the earthquake we felt while sitting on the beach (5.8) So the kids thought it was interesting in the span of a week they experianced both an earthquake and hurricane!

Also shortly after Olivia was born, Erik started playing midget football for the local school district (even though we homeschool, Pa laws allows homeschooled students to participate in sports). For the last 2 yrs it's all he has talked about wanting to do as he had to be 8 to start. So that has kept us busy, 3 nights a week of practice then games on the weekend. For being such a tiny guy, he has done really well & has impressed his coaches!

Here is a clip of him at a recent scrimmage. He is on the right hand side by the coaches, watch what he does to the kid twice the size of him! (he is #31)

Our homeschool co-op has also kept us hopping lately. I am teaching Anatomy & Physiology as well as a baking/cooking class, both of which I enjoy. We've also been doing some activities together as a group outside of co-op (such as a picnic and a recent fall fest) and I am helping to plan some future activities for the moms which I am looking forward to. So thankful for this great group of gals I've been blessed to have in my life!

In September, Kevin & I had our birthday as well as our 13th wedding anniversary (yes, all on the same day), the twins 12th birthday was last week.....everyone is just aging around here lately!

I attended a great conference last weekend entitled The Anatomy of Grief that I hope to share more about here in the future.

Olivia is doing well, though still wearing newborn clothes lol. But that's how my other kiddos were so it's not too surprising. The funniest comments I've received lately are when out in public & one of us is holding Olivia, people actually think she is a doll! They do a double take when she moves & they come over to us to comment and see her.

But the most precious thing lately is when I'm holding Olivia and I face her towards me, it doesn't matter if she's fussing or what, her eyes lock on my necklace of Noah (I have 2, she does it to both) and as soon as she sees it, she starts smiling and cooing at his picture and just stares right at it. It like she knows Noah... brings tears to my eyes!!

Here is Olivia wearing the precious onesie a sweet friend of mine gave her! So thankful my friend understands & included Noah in this way!! I love it!!

 It says

 "Noah's Baby Sister"

"What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

October 15th....Remembrance

This is my candle that I lit for the Wave of Light in honor of Noah's precious life along with remembering so many other babies our arms ache to hold and who are so deeply loved & desperately missed!!

This candle is a reminder that even in the darkest of times, there is always still a small light of hope. Praise God!

  Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Yesterday evening, we participated in the Sweet Pea Project's 2nd annual balloon release. We were apart of the 1st release last year as well. It's a mix of feelings, feeling a sense of peace at being surrounded by so many who are just like us, for once we are the norm & not the exception, but yet feeling sadness that there are so many other parents who are missing their precious children as well. We were able to write Noah notes on seed paper, so when the notes fall back to earth, they will bloom flowers in his memory.  I have to say I was moved at seeing other families who had friends & extended family there supporting them as well..... siblings, parents, grandparents, etc..., how blessed they were to have the added support in remembering their babies!

It was so wonderful hearing Noah's full name read aloud as we released his 7 balloons, one from Kevin, myself and his 5 siblings. But oh how I wished we didn't have to be a part of the baby loss world, where we find healing in someone simply saying his name outloud & recognizing his short but significant earthly life.

Our 7 balloons heading to Noah

 Our balloons joining the many others

The following is an article that was recently published that has really blessed so many of us BLM's. Oh how I can relate to every. last. word!!!!

____________________

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when he asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.
Article Link

A fellow BLM shared the following on her blog, oh-how-true! Thank you for voicing this Molly for all of us!
Do Unto Others

"You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different. Everyday... Grief puts on a new face...."

  -Wendy Feireisen

National Pregnancy & Infant Death Awareness Month

"Most people know that October is breast cancer awareness month, but did you know in 1988 President Reagan designated October as National Pregnancy & Infant Death awareness month? More than 1 million pregnancies in the US end in the death of a baby (miscarriage, stillbirth, etc) and approximately 27,500 babies born alive die before their 2nd birthday, yet you rarely hear this talked about. Help break the silence, talk about & remember all these precious lives gone too soon and the families that will forever live with that hole in their heart." ~Me

I shared the above quote on both my facebook page as well as my blog facebook page (found on the sidebar to the right). It's my hope & prayer to help break the taboo subject of infant & child death (this includes miscarriage, stillbirths, etc). So many people don't want to acknowledge what we go through which make many people like myself suffer in silence. I have read & talked to so many people & we all have similar feelings in that losing a child isn't something you "get over", rather you learn to live with the grief for the rest of your life. A part of you will always feel missing and you will still have bad days & go through waves of grief for many years to come. The more we are able to talk about our children & include them, the more healing it is for us.

Tomorrow, I am participating in several events. We'll be taking part in a balloon release to remember Noah & many other babies and we will also be lighting a candle at 7pm for the International Wave of Light. Then next week I am attending a conference on the anatomy of grief. I would encourage any of you who feel led to participate to join us right where you are. We will be releasing balloons at 6pm our time (EST) and the lighting of candles takes place at 7pm your time (see pic below). In addition, for the rest of this month, I want to remember all of your precious babies. Please feel free to leave a comment here or on my facebook page or email me (see sidebar) and let me know your sweet baby's name or nickname. I would love the chance to pray for your family and towards the end of the month, I will make a post with all the precious childrens names as I know how much it means to see their name in writing for everyone to see (and this includes miscarriages as well!)

Video-When a baby dies, larger image

 Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Noah's 1st Birthday

We had planned for quite sometime just what we wanted to do for Noah's birthday. We had wanted to have a big birthday party. Kevin had even arranged to take off work so we could all spend the day together celebrating our precious boy.

God had different plans.

Olivia was born on Noah's birthday. It made for a bittersweet day as I talked about here & here . I am thankful I was able to get Noah's cake made and decorated before going into labor. I had planned for many months just what I wanted to do for his 1st birthday cake. (yes it was all edible. The animals & ark I made from homemade fondant).

I started working on his cake Tuesday, July 12th. It took a good part of the day. That night I went into labor. The kids were understandably bummed we weren't able to celebrate with his cake on his birthday. I came home from the hospital on Thursday 14th, so that evening, we put Noah's candle on the cake and sang Happy Birthday to him. I admit, I choked up and couldn't finish singing. I stood there holding Olivia in my arms with tears running down my face. It felt so unfair to be celebrating his birthday without him there. He should've been sitting in his high chair making a mess out of his cake by digging into it. Instead, we sang to him and had the older kids blow out his candle.

We were given 1 birthday card for Noah. We also received a beautiful flower arrangement for him on his birthday from a dear friend. I admit, I was saddened that we only received 1 birthday card for him. Had he been here, I know he would've gotten more cards. Just because he spent his birthday in Heaven, doesn't make his birthday any less significant to us. To those of you reading this that have a baby loss mama in your lives, please know that it would mean the world to receive birthday cards on that childs birthday. It may seem weird to you but trust me, to that precious mom, it would mean the world to have her child celebrated and remembered! Even in a Christmas card, write her childs name. I can't tell you how much it means to me when others include Noah both in conversation and written word. That is the best gift ever!!!

We weren't able to make it out to Noah's grave on the 14th, the day he died, due to only coming home from the hospital that evening (same day/time we left the hospital last year). So we were very thankful for our friends who made the trip out and took him flowers, taking the time to remember him!

Backing up.....we told the kids we would spread out Noah's birthday celebration that we had planned for him. We said we'd just take our time celebrating his miraculous life over several days rather than on the one day we had planned.

Back in May, Sarah had won a pinata. She said she wanted to save it for Noah's birthday party....awww!! So on Saturday July 16th, the kids asked if they could break the pinata for Noah. So outside they went to bust out the candy for their little brother!

On July 20th, we made the trip out to his grave. I can't begin to put into words how this trip felt. Thinking back to 1 year ago seemed unreal. It seemed both like it was just yesterday but yet at the same time it felt like a lifetime ago that everything happened. And we felt like we were reliving that day as well as his funeral all over again. I can still feel that gut wrenching feeling of seeing my son in his casket, something I don't think that will ever go away. But this is our new "normal", one that we are still trying to adjust to and figure out. Going to Noah's grave w/balloons and cake is "normal" in the life of a family whose child died.

The kids had made a seperate piece of cake they wrote his name on. We left it by his grave marker. We had also bought a butterfly and a small birthday balloon to leave on Noah's grave. We bought balloons and the kids wrote notes so we also released balloons like we did at his funeral. This time though, we had 1 extra balloon as we sent one to him from his little sister.

(yes there is an "E" on the end but the stick covered it here in the pic)

It was definitely a sacred time we spent together at Noah's grave. It was obviously Olivia's first time since being born that she visited her older brother. We all sobbed as we each reminisced about Noah and look forward to sharing with Olivia about her brother and the special bond they share.

My 6 precious kids!!

Our balloons and notes going to Noah

The kids had expressed how they wanted to physically have a tangible piece of Noah with them all the time like I do wearing his footprints, so we got Erik a dog tag with pics of Noah and the girls lockets with Noah's picture and gave them to the kids at his grave. The girls really liked the way Erik's dog tag came out so I was able to get them something similar in a heart shape. (I snagged an amazing deal on all these, total w/shipping was only $1.99 each, great quality!)

These aren't the greatest pics due to the glare but it gives you an idea of both sides. They look much better in person. Erik's says "brothers"

Erik's says "I love you Noah" & the girls say "Noah"

I realize it took me awhile to share some of what we did to celebrate Noah's birthday (I couldn't begin to cover it all. I also had a video I was putting together for his birthday I didn't get to finish but when I do, I will share it.) It was partly due to timing and just being so busy.  But it was also in part due to emotions. Writing all this out brings to surface all the emotions and once again is a painful reminder of the finality of it all. I can't explain it, unless you've been there you'd understand. It's hard and I imagine in some ways, will always be. We are thankful to know that Noah IS alive and well today but just not here with us, which is SOOO hard!! I am blessed beyond words that he was given to me as my son! What an amazing gift from God my Noah Alexander is!!! I miss & love you my precious son!

August 19, Day of Hope

"August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters." ~Carly Marie Dudley

So many people love and remember you Noah!!!

~A real friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out.~

Olivia's Birth Story-Part 2

Part 1 can be found here

After they got Olivia and I situated, we were pretty much left on our own as a family to bond. (once you have 6 kids, they really don't bother telling you anything at that point cuz ya sort've already know the drill and as one nurse said I could probably teach them a few things! lol) I really love this hospital! It's a relaxing environment (as much as a hospital can be) and very family oriented. Everyone knows you by name, you're not just a number. Oh, I also liked the fact that the room I deliver in was the room we stay in the whole time.

My 6 amazing blessings!

We kept the news of Olivia's birth pretty quiet, only sharing with a few people. We were all on an emotional roller coaster by both her birth and it being Noah's birthday so we felt it was best just to spend this time as a family before telling everyone. I knew I would get overwhelmed by everyones response and just wasn't in a place to handle it at that point. We actually waited several days before telling the majority of people as well as announcing it on facebook.

 Noah and Olivia on their shared birthday

Sarah & Olivia

Susan & Olivia

Hannah & Olivia

Erik & Olivia

Later morning Kevin and the kids headed home for a bit to get some rest as well as take care of the dog. So it gave Olivia and I some one on one time. I just sat there watching her and taking it all in. I couldn't believe she was finally here. It honestly seemed like a dream. (and it still does).

When the kids and Kevin came back, they brought with them pizza, a tradition we started when I was in the hospital with Noah. Actually, if I remember right, Kevin had also gotten pizza when I was in the hospital with either Erik or Hannah as well.

Anyway, we spent the rest of the day just being together as a family. Of course the kids couldn't get enough of Olivia and kept passing her around.  At the same time that they were excited for Olivia, they were understandably a bit bummed that we weren't able to do the plans we had for Noah's birthday. There were even some tears shed by a few because they were afraid of disappointing Noah by not visiting him like we had planned. Like I said, it was and still is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. There is just no way to put it into words.

Olivia & I

We decided that Kevin would take them home for them to sleep overnight as we knew they'd sleep better there than in the hospital. They of course didn't want to leave. I felt bad for them. I admit I was teary as they left as I would've loved to have had Kevin and the kids stay as I wasn't really wanting to be alone at that point. But I knew it was best for the kids to get some rest at home. Kevin said when he got home a few of them had a bit of a tough time for a little bit.

When 9:06pm hit, the time Noah was born at exactly a year earlier, there I was sitting in bed holding Olivia. I sat there reminiscing his birth. Who would've thought that a year to the day I'd be sitting in the exact same bed holding his little sister? It was bittersweet for sure. Another totally "God thing" was that the nurse I had for Noah's birth who was my nurse until after he died, was also the nurse I had this night as well. What are the chances she'd be the same nurse on the exact same night a year later? She was a welcome sight, yet another connection to Noah. But once again, having her made it seem like just yesterday Noah was born.

I didn't get a whole lot of sleep that night as Olivia wanted held or fed. I was pretty exhausted by this time as I hadn't slept the night before due to being in labor. After the little bit of sleep I got, I was up again about 5am. When 6:30am came around, the time Noah was pronounced dead, there I sat holding Olivia tightly wrapped in my arms, in the same spot where I had just been the year before. Holding Noah surrounded by Kevin and the kids on the bed as his little heart stopped and he took his last breath. As I sat there watching Olivia, I was amazed at the similarities between her and Noah. She even posed in a way that Noah had that I was able to quick capture on my phones camera. It really makes me wonder what God has in store for her little life by tying hers and Noah's story so close together.

Noah

Olivia

The kids and Kevin didn't come back till close to lunch time as Erik had football practice and wanted Kevin to take him since he was off work and hadn't gotten to see his practice yet.  Once they came in, we ordered our "special" meal that the hospital provides for the parents.

(that's sparking juice lol)

I had decided I wanted to head home even though I technically could've stayed there for another day yet. We ended up leaving the hospital about 5pm, the same time we had left the hospital the year before. I admit, I had some tears as I left this time as well. Both tears of joy mixed with sorrow, wishing I had been able to take Noah home like I was taking Olivia. The pain of walking down that hallway exactly a year before with empty arms was still very fresh in my mind. I don't think that is something that ever goes away.

She was not too happy when I first put her in here.

Many people have asked the significance of Olivia's name. We actually chose the name when I was pregnant with Erik over 8 years ago as it was a name we loved and felt that it went along great with our other girls names. When we were pregnant with Noah, if he had been a girl, we again wanted to use the name. So this time, we felt even more of a draw to use the name Olivia because the name was tied into Noah's story. Both because he would've been named this, as well as what else I discovered during my pregnancy as I dug deeper into the meaning of this name. Olivia means olive branch. In the Bible, an olive branch signifies peace. After the great flood, the dove flew to Noah and gave him an olive branch to show him that it was the end of the flood, giving him a sign of peace. Our Olivia is the olive branch from God and even Noah (and her being miraculously born on his birthday is proof of that!) In the world of baby loss, she is also known as a "rainbow baby". Just like Noah in the Bible was given a rainbow after the flood, so were we given our rainbow....

Olivia's Birth Story- Part 1

Tuesday, July 12th was a busy day for us. I had a doctor appointment in the morning where we scheduled some monitoring for the following week knowing I'd be going late yet again. After the kids and I left there, we ran some errands in preparation of Noah's big birthday party & celebration for the following day.

Once home, I began working on Noah's birthday cake. I had planned for the last 6 months just what I was going to make. I spent most of later afternoon and evening working on the cake. (I'll post pics of it when I blog about Noah's birthday). I hadn't been feeling the greatest till later in the day because I had been on my feet most of the day and had just been downright busy doing a lot of things at once. Around 8pm I went out to the garden as I had 2 long rows of green beans that needed picked. The kids and Kevin were outside playing. When I was done with all that squatting and picking, I noticed I was feeling a bit crampy and having contractions. Nothing new though as that had been happening off and on for quite awhile.

Kevin had planned to take off work on Wednesday for Noah's birthday so we figured we'd make it a later night. We had gotten a redbox movie to watch once we put the kids to bed. Around 9:15 pm I glanced at the clock between contractions, though I felt I was being premature doing that because after all, these were going to stop just like all the other times. I figured being on my feet all day then working in the garden had brought them on. I was surprised to see that the contractions were 4-7 minutes apart and had been at this point for a good hour.

I decided to put together my supper as I hadn't eaten earlier. I made a big ole plate of loaded nachos with taco meat I had made earlier, including jalapenos & onions from my garden as well! lol As I was heating stuff up, I thought well, it wouldn't hurt to gather up our cameras and a bag of snacks for the kids "just in case" so it was in an easy place to grab last minute. You know, murphy's law, if I gather the stuff, we won't need it.

So we headed up to our room to watch the movie while I ate. Contractions continued and by the time I was done eating, I was getting a bit uncomfortable sitting in bed so I moved to my rocking chair to watch the movie. By this point in time, Kevin was able to tell when I was contracting because they were getting more uncomfortable and I was having to concentrate a little more to work through them. I kept telling him I don't know if this is really going to be it. I mean, I wasn't even late yet, there's no way that this could be it.

But at the same time, every so often I got up and threw something into my hospital bag "just in case". I hadn't really packed a bag yet because there isn't much ya really need to take to the hospital. I had a few baby things gathered in my bag already but that was it. So I put in some clothes for me. Then a bit later I put some toiletries in to finish it off.

The kids knew before going to bed that I was having contractions and they were cheering! In fact, they kept coming up to our room to check on me to see if I was still having contractions. When they realized I was, they said they were going to pack their bag. I said that was fine but not to be disappointed if my contractions stopped.

Towards the end of the movie, I was getting more uncomfortable and felt better standing when contractions hit. I was distracted thankfully as the movie was pretty hilarious. Contractions had remained 4-7 minutes apart the whole time. After the movie, Kevin suggested going and sitting out in the hot tub to see if that would help. (and yes, it's at a safe temp of 97 as I've been sitting out there throughout  pregnancy because it feels SO good). So about 11:20pm we headed out to the hot tub with the laptop to watch some tv. I said that I bet once I am sitting in the warm water, my contractions will stop. Ok, so I ended up being wrong. Within minutes of getting in there, my contractions started coming 2-3 minutes apart and were getting more intense.

I finally came to the realization that I was indeed in active labor. Once that truly hit me, I lost it. I sat there and just bawled. I honestly couldn't believe it was all happening so fast. And that of all days, I was going to be having this baby on Noah's birthday. I was due the day Noah died (the 14th) so people often asked what my thoughts were if I was to have this baby on his birthday or the day he died and I always just shrugged it off, knowing my history of going really late, I never thought it would happen. So all of a sudden I was being faced with this. Kevin reminded me that this was totally a thing from God and Noah. I think too, I was in tears because it was bringing back all the memories from Noah's birth, it really felt like a flashback.

We sat out in the hot tub for about 20 min and my contractions continued to be close and ones that I had to breathe through. I finally said we better get out as I wasn't sure where things were headed. Plus I knew I could get to that point where I won't want to get out and I figured I probably shouldn't be delivering in the hot tub (though I always wanted a water birth!)

We headed inside and while I got myself changed, Kevin called the answering service for the midwife to call me and he also woke up the kids. He said when he woke the kids up, they were groggy as they had only fallen asleep an hour earlier due to their excitement over my contractions (crazy kids!) They looked at him and said are you serious? When they realized it was time to head to the hospital, they flew into action. He had warned them before bed that when he tells them it's time, they need to keep moving. I think they were ready before I was!! When the midwife called me, she said since it's my 6th baby and I know what I'm doing, she didn't care if I wanted to stay at home for awhile yet or head in.

My contractions were still 2-3 minutes apart and pretty intense so we decided to head in. We pulled up to the hospital about 12:30am. Took me a bit to make my way in as I kept having to stop walking and work through contractions. As we walked through the doors of the maternity unit, my eyes teared up. I hadn't been here since the day Noah died and I walked out with empty arms. It felt like yesterday.

The nurse met us and lead us to our room. As soon as I stepped in that room, I threw myself on Kevin and sobbed. It was the SAME room Noah was born in and died in. The poor nurse just stood there confused. I motioned to Kevin for him to explain to her. She felt bad and offered to put us in a different room. I said no, they all look the same anyway. Besides, what are the chances that I am having this baby on Noah's birthday then to be unknowingly put in the same room that I was in with him? It was obvious there was a divine hand orchestrating all this and I felt that it would be something special to have this rainbow baby born right where Noah was born exactly a year earlier.

So we all got situated. When I saw who the midwife was, I was SO estatic! I had just met her a few weeks ago for the first time at one of my checkups. She talked a lot to the kids during that visit as well and we discovered that she had been homeschooled until she went to college. She was also 1 of 8 kids and seemed to be a lot like us in our thoughts and beliefs. And once she knew about Noah, she didn't hesitate to talk about him as well. I remember telling Kevin after that visit that I would love if she'd be the one delivering.

She checked me and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was already 5cm! (ok as pleasantly as I could be in the midst of hard labor! lol) The kids cheered when she said that as well. (for those that may not remember, the kids were also present for Noah's birth so they are pretty well knowledged in what a lot of the birth terminology is).

It took till around 2am till we were done with some of the paperwork and just getting all the typical admission type stuff done. The midwife was so sweet, she took the kids to get a snack while the nurse was doing all the stuff that she needed to get done. I found out in talking with my labor nurse during this time, that she too had had a son die years ago when he was 3 months old. Wow!! So she knew exactly the emotions I was experiancing right then and there as she also had kids after her son died. She was great and it was encouraging having her share her story. Not only did God provide my great midwife, he also gave me a compassionate nurse who could relate to me as well.

 When the kids came back, we pulled out the sofa bed for them to try and catch a little nap. The midwife felt I was going to go pretty fast but we figured in the meantime, they might as well rest a bit.

About 4:30am I was checked and was a good 8cm. She broke my water at this point as it has never broke on it's own in the past. Sarah and Hannah woke up about this time and were getting excited as they knew it was going to be soon. I think around 5, we switched the tv on to have the news on in the background and as a distraction. Somewhere around 5:30, Erik & Susan woke up and of course the other 2 told them the baby was soon coming.

I was beginning to feel a lot of pressure at this point and knew it would be soon. The kids had cleaned up their sleeping stuff and were patiently waiting. I was getting ready to ring for the midwife when she came walking in to check me. She smiled and said I was 10cm and ready to have a baby which I sort've figured by this point. I had felt like the baby was ready to slide out and had made Kevin take a peek prior to her coming in to make sure a head wasn't hanging out! lol

Everything was so laid back, a totally different experiance than having a doctor deliver. It was only the midwife and 1 nurse in the room. We had had the lights dimmed a bit to be relaxing during labor and as the midwife was getting situated I said that's fine to adjust stuff. She said no we don't need to. So we had no harsh overhead lights, just nice, comforting lighting.  In fact, she just put her basic gear on and made sure the table of stuff was near her and that was it. She didn't take the bed apart, just put the redbag on it. No putting me in a weird position or in stirrups, I was allowed to just be like I wanted.

As the midwife was getting situated, my nurse said I could start pushing when I felt ready. As I started to push, she sort've yelled to stop (cuz the midwife was only getting her gown on) and told the midwife the baby was literally ready to come out very quick. I looked at her and said oops, I guess I should've told you all it takes is barely a push and my kiddos slide out. She laughed and said yes that would've been helpful. Thankfully the midwife was ready pretty quick and on my next contraction with only half a push, out slowly slid a head. She had positioned a mirror for me to see which was really neat. As the midwife shifted the baby's shoulders, out came the rest of the baby's body with no effort on my part except to watch the miraculous process of birth. Praise God I once again had a great delivery with no ill effects on my body! (I was once again blessed to leave the hospital not even feeling like I had a baby.)

The baby was immediately placed on my belly and we asked the kids "what is it" as the midwife was letting them announce the gender (we hadn't asked her to but she seemed so in tuned to them). We moved the umbilical cord out of the way and they said "it's a girl". The kids already knew the names we had picked, as the girls name we had chosen when I was pregnant with Erik and would've used it for Noah. So right away they started calling Olivia by name. What a precious sound to hear her crying, it just all seemed so surreal. I know I've said it so many times but it seemed just like yesterday we were going through the same thing with Noah, it was so de ja vu.

Olivia was born at 6:17am. We got to cuddle her for a bit on my chest while the midwife waited for her cord to stop pulsating (another difference having a midwife verses a doctor, which I loved.) When the midwife told Kevin he can now cut the cord, he asked the midwife if Erik could cut the cord (this was something he decided last minute). The midwife said sure. So the midwife and nurse showed Erik what to do, and with a beaming smile on his face, he cut Olivia's cord forever giving them a special bond.

I should back up and share that about a month before having her, Erik came to us and said he felt that God told him we were having a girl. You could hear the disappoint in his voice as he so desparately wanted another brother, an earthly brother. So we decided to try and help him prepare in case he was right. We said if it's a girl, he can chose her going home outfit so we took him out shopping the week before I was due and he picked out an outfit. We also said if he was right, he could be the first of the kids to hold her. Kevin thought allowing him to cut the cord would also give him a special bond with his little sister. Erik has been quite proud to tell everyone he got to cut the cord!

Once the cord was cut, they weighed and measured her. We knew Olivia was small but we were surprised to see that she broke the mold of our kids measuring 19". The older 5 were all 19" but she was 18"! I think because she was "early" she ended up a bit smaller then the rest. She weighed in at 6lb 8oz which is average for my babies as well.

Shortly after having Olivia, I started getting sick on my stomach. It wouldn't stop so they had to give me meds to stop it. Which I was thankful for because I was so hungry by this point (I always am after labor) and was really wanting to eat.

-continued on part 2 here-

Totally random

Ok I am prefacing this by saying remember, I am really sleep deprived right now and it doesn't take much to make me laugh. So as I am nursing Olivia today, I have the tv on today. We only have basic cable so there really isn't much to watch. But Dr. Oz was on and he was proving myths right or wrong. One of them involved helium. We all have heard how sucking helium kills brain cells. Turns out that is wrong. A few sucks here or there is fine. Then the science lesson came forth. Helium is a lighter gas, hence the high voice. He then showed the opposite of using a denser gas, sulfer hexafluroide. So if helium gives you a high voice, what does the opposite gas do? If you guessed gives you a low, scarily deep voice, you are right! (where can I get this to try it in person??)  I about fell off my rocking chair nursing Olivia when Dr Oz started talking in this crazy, deep, hideous voice! The kids came running wondering what set me off (It took them a bit to come running, but once they realized my hysterical laughing wasn't stopping, they finally came running) By then, Dr Oz was done so I googled it and found this myth buster episode to demonstrate what Dr. Oz did. Ahh, the joy of homeschooling and unexpected (ok goofy) learning moments....

I hope you chuckle as well. And if not, at least you learned about the 2 different gasses.....

3 oz!

Olivia has finally gained a whole 3oz!!! She is still half a pound under her birth weight but we are thankful she has finally gained something. We made some slight changes to her feeding routine and she'll get reweighed again this weekend to see how she is adjusting.

Despite the challenges her feeding has presented me with, I am thankful. Thankful to have the ability to feed her. Something so trivial that most people take for granted, or even complain about the many overnight feeds, I cherish. I only got to feed Noah 1 time. He changed my outlook on a lot of things which is a priceless gift. I'm sure I'll expound on this more in the coming days, but I'm 1-handed again right now. ;)

I'll close with a song I heard for the first time recently. It was a great reminder to me, especially as a mom when life can seem to get stuck in a rut or when we're doing those little things that no one sees. Remember who we are doing all these things for!

Quick update

Just wanted to quick drop in and post a brief update. I'm typing 1-handed which is part of the reason I haven't been here much lately. Olivia has been struggling with weight gain. She lost more than they like to see. At 1 week old, she was 5lb 12oz (was 6lb 8oz at birth). So I started pumping my hindmilk (the fattier breastmilk) and syringed fed Olivia that as she nursed (yes, a bit cumbersome). I took her back to the hospital to meet with the lactation consultant a few days later and she was only up to 5lb 13oz. So I started using an SNS feeder while nursing. I put my pumped hindmilk into this (the point behind that is to make sure she's getting plenty of the higher calorie milk.) We went back for another weigh-in 5 days after starting that, and she had only gained a few grams, but still weighing 5lb 13oz at 2wks old. So then I needed to start fortifying my milk in the SNS with some preemie formula.

In addition to all this, I need to track each feed, when & how long she eats, how much she's eating in the SNS, diapers, etc. Plus I am not to let her go longer than 3hrs without a feed. Sometimes she wants to eat more often than that. I also pump after every feed to use that milk for the next SNS feeding so you can imagine that pretty  much most of my time revolves around this whole feeding thing right now.

My kids have all been very slow growers. The older ones were all only around 15lbs at 1 year old (both hubby & I aren't big, poor kids! lol) So Olivia is following in their footsteps. They just want to see her back to her birth weight and once there, I think we'll finally be able to relax a bit.

We go back for another weigh in tomorrow. Please keep Olivia in your prayers that she will start gaining weight & that I can hang in there with all this extra stuff right now. Thank goodness for my kids and their help. They are pretty much helping to run the house as I don't have the time to do a lot of extra stuff lately. They even initated starting school on their own since some of our curriculum is computer based and can be done independantly.

Now that my 1 hand is about to fall off from typing.....here's a pic of Olivia. I've been working on her birth story as time allows so hopefully soon that & more pics will be forthcoming!