More Firsts

It's taken me a bit to be able to finally sit down and put into words more "firsts" I did this weekend. But backing up, this past Friday the 5th Jen, Michele, & their kids came over to spend the day with us. It was long overdue for us to get together and we all desperately needed it. It was a great day of fellowship, many tears were shed but we also shared much laughter. It was so good to be able to talk about Noah, Olivia & Hezekiah!!! And I know it did all our kids good to be able to spend the day playing and talking together as well. We said all our kids are each others heaven sent cousins. They share a bond with each other than no one else can understand. I am so thankful for the special "cousins" the kids were blessed with!

Because of their visit and the enouragement and strength I got from spending the day with my wonderful sisters, it gave me what I needed to finally go visit Noah's grave for the first time. So on Saturday, I headed out alone to run some errands. As I was on the back roads, I was getting ready to drive past this little flower shack that a mennonite lady runs. I've passed it many times but had never stopped. I was feeling prompted to stop and see about getting just a single flower to take with me to lay on Noah's grave. I pulled in and as I walked up to this little tiny shanty, I got to see all the neat arrangements this lady makes. Even inside she had many fresh & dried flower arrangements that were gorgeous. And her prices were really low!

The mennonite lady happened to be in there as I was looking around. She asked if she could help me with anything. I choked up and said I was looking for just a single flower to take with me when I go to visit my son's grave. She said I'll be right back and she stepped outside. I wiped away the tear that had fallen and gathered myself while she was out. She came back in with a few flowers and started talking to me while she cut the stems and chose a ribbon for them. I can't even begin to tell you how much it meant to me that she cared enough to ask about Noah and talk about him with me. This total stranger talked to me more about him than some people I've known for a long time who have avoided me since Noah died. I appreciated her kind words so much. It was what I needed as I made my way to his grave. Maybe that's why I felt the need to stop when I did. It was more than the flower I needed at that moment.

She chose some gorgeous but simple fall colored flowers, gathered with a gold ribbon. As she handed me the arrangement, before I could even ask her what I owed, she said it's her gift and she doesn't want me paying for them. I could hardly see to leave because of the tears in my eyes.

I pulled into church and drove up towards the upper parking lot that is right near the graveyard. So many emotions came pouring over me. I hadn't walked here since the day I followed Noah's casket to be buried. As I made my way to his gravesite with my flowers in hand, I just had tears running down my face. When I came to his grave, I just sat down beside him and cried. All I could picture was his tiny little body in his white casket just a few feet below where I sat. That precious body my arms ached to hold & cuddle was in the cold ground. It's such a painful thought. I KNOW Noah is in Heaven and I will see him again. But still, the thought of my baby's human body being in the ground is difficult. The grass still hadn't grown over the tiny little spot where his casket was buried. The ground was all sunken in as well.

As I sat there between tears, I prayed. I also layed down and talked to Noah for a bit. I cleaned off his temporary grave marker (I haven't brought myself yet to make the call about ordering his headstone). I also pulled a few weeds. His casket arrangement from the funeral, which was long since dried out, was still laying on his grave. I removed it to throw away and placed the flowers I brought for him in it's place. The wooden crosses the kids had placed there were still there next to his name.

I don't even know how long I was there as I lost all sense of time, but I'm sure it was over half an hour at least. It was hard to walk away, just like the day we buried him.

I still hadn't been able to bring myself to return to Sunday services at church. I knew I had to visit Noah first before I could go to church. So since I had gone to his grave, I felt I would try to go to church this past Sunday. It was really hard to step inside the church as all the memories of Noah's viewing and service were still so vivid. I really appreciated those of you who came up to me and hugged me or offered words of encouragement as you knew this was a hard step for me to take. I also am thankful for the notes & messages I received even after church encouraging me. I admit I shed a few tears several times while I was there.

I miss Noah so much!!!!! My son though was blessed to have only ever known love in his short life. He was spared the sin, pain & heartache that the rest of us have to go through. How amazing is that!?!? To only be surrounded by tons of love & joy and that is all he knew while with us!!!!

I'm one day closer to holding you again Noah ♥


  1. Oh, sis, I was bawling the whole way through this! What a blessing that lady was to you and just when you needed it most! Thank you, Lord, for putting those people in our lives at the right times! Love you, girl!!!!!!!

  2. dearest Jenn, I've got teary eyes reading all of this. I'm so grateful God gave you the strength to do these very difficult firsts; we've been praying for His timing with those. and I love hearing about the flower lady; I totally agree with JF! love and hugs to you!


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