Right where I am- 1 year 10 months 26 days

Angie at Still Life With Circles is hosting another link up for baby loss moms like she did last year. It's a way to document right where we are at in this grief journey. I participated last year.

As I sit here pondering the question "just where am I" right now, many thought's come to mind. It's been 696 days since Noah died. When you look at that in terms of days, it really doesn't seem that long ago and truly, some days it feels like yesterday, other days it feels like a lifetime ago.

Today I have more of the better days and less of "those" days. Grief doesn't suffocate me like it did this time a year ago, but it still manages to sneak up and knock the wind out of me more often than most people realize. I have just gotten better at trying to live with my daily grief so others don't see it as much.  The more I read about others further along in the journey, the more I am coming to terms with that this is how it will always be, I will feel the weight of grief till the day I die. Even though I accept this, I still find it challenging to encounter those around me who won't or can't accept this. Grief is forever a part of my life. It has changed me.

I still fighting at times to figure out this whole "new normal" as a piece of me died along with Noah.
-I'm not as ambitious about things
-I get more easily distracted
-not as organized as I was
-I find myself often not able to initiate things like I used to
-am more withdrawn at times.

Though on the flip side:
-I now parent more intentionally & purposefully
-I say a prayer of thanksgiving each day my living kids wake up as I don't take life for granted at all
-I welcome the sleepless nights of nursing as it meant I had a baby in my arms to feed
-My relationship with Jesus has grown deeper and I too have grown in my faith
-I have made some wonderful, encouraging friendships with other baby loss moms
-My compassion for others in life changing situations is much deeper & I try to reach out to others in similar journeys as I am on

This time last year I was admittedly scared of our impending birth of our rainbow baby who was due the day Noah died. I didn't fully believe I'd come home with a living baby. I usually go 2 weeks late but imagine our surprise when I went into labor early and had my rainbow on Noah's 1st birthday in the same hospital room he lived in.

Even today, I still get nervous when she naps longer than usual. I can't tell you how many times in her 10 months of life that I have had to make sure she is still breathing. That's just one of many ways grief is present in my daily life since Noah died. I cuddle her more, tell her I love her more and cherish each and every milestone she reaches. That is another way grief is present as well! I truly do try to slow down and take in and appreciate every day we have been given.

With Noah & Olivia's birthdays just around the corner, I am unsure how the coming weeks will be. Talk about bittersweet. I am feeling some of the mixed emotions already. We plan to celebrate both their lives together just as their stories have been sewn together long before I ever knew what was to come.

I am finding out, that despite the fact that Noah's life was all too brief and that he wasn't able to do many of the things I wished he could've done, he is doing many things with his life that I never would've expected as well! The emails I get from all over, of people he's touched and encouraged and lives he's changed just amazes me some days. Though it shouldn't, I've always believed God would use his life in ways bigger than I could ever imagined.

Yes Noah isn't here in my arms but he is alive in the hearts of many others. My heart still hurts, my tears still fall and my grief is always right there a part of me every.single.day. But by the grace of God, I am still here and still standing.

Happiness and grief, intricately intertwined together, taking each day one day at a time. That's how I'd describe right where I am now.


"You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different. 
Everyday... Grief puts on a new face...."
 -Wendy Feireisen

10 comments

  1. Beautiful my friend, Beautiful!

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  2. Love that picture of you and Noah! Your story and his life are such an inspiration, even to those of us who've never experienced that kind of loss!

    ~Hannah

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  3. beautifully written, beautiful baby, beautiful quote, beautiful mommy!

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  4. Thank you for sharing! I love reading about people's journeys who are further in than I, it gives me hope.

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  5. That picture is so very beautiful. I am sorry your Noah isn't here with you.

    What you write about parenting your daughter had me nodding along in recognition. I checked my daughter's breathing almost constantly during her first year. And that sneaky grief, the kind you feel but don't show to those around you - I remember that so well from my second year out.

    So much love to you as you move through these days.

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  6. I remember finding your post last year very affirming and moving and powerful.

    I did this year too. Your lists of the way grief has changed you - for good or for bad, really resonated. It's so much more complicated than people outside of it all realise.

    And I'm glad Olivia arrived safely. Love to you as you prepare to celebrate her first birthday and Noah's second.

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  7. I tried to leave a comment here a while ago and it didn't go through. This all sounds so familiar. I have a difficult time putting my feelings into words so it is always a comfort to read such similarities in what you're feeling. Thank you for sharing. I love the quote at the bottom, would you mind if I borrow it? Big hugs to you!

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  8. What a beautiful photo. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dear Noah.
    xo

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  9. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I am so sorry to read about your precious Noah. I'll be praying for you!

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I enjoy hearing from each & every one of you! Thanks for taking the time to comment. :)