Still shaking...

So I thought doing the Heimlich on Olivia the other week one of the worst things I had to do to one of my infants. (she choked on ONE of those baby puffs, I only ever let her have one at a time go figure. No more puffs in this house).

This past weekend I had an awful dream that I only shared with my husband and close friend. It was a vision of Olivia turning blue and going unconscious in my arms. I remember yelling to call 911 and starting CPR. I woke up shaking and couldn't go back to sleep. It was so very real.

This morning, Olivia was playing around. I saw her plop down from walking and she just started to barely fuss. Erik was standing nearby and he knelt down to try and make her laugh. (Olivia's back was to me). I didn't hear any noise so I figured she stopped whining. Next thing I knew I see him blowing in her face, as the kids know to do when a baby acts like they aren't breathing & holding their breath. So I went running and scooped her up.

Her face was blue and turning bluer by the second. I blew in her face trying to startle her to breathe.

Nothing. She was stone faced. No movement.

I start smacking the bottoms of her feet while calling her name. By this point she passes out. (For those that don't know, I am an EMT and a CPR/First Aid instructor.)

Erik was watching all this unfold and I heard the panic in his voice. He yelled for the girls. Meanwhile I was checking to make sure she still had a heartbeat while calling her name. She did thank God. I continued to try and stimulate her while calling her name, only seconds from having the kids call 911 for me.

Her eyes finally started fluttering and rolling around. I think I was holding my breath at this point and let out a huge sigh. I continued to stimulate her while saying her name to get her to come to. She was groggy and out of it. Once her color fully returned and she was more conscious, I just stood there holding her to my chest, shaking. My trained instincts had kicked in but once I knew she was "ok", my mom instincts kicked in and I kept replaying what had just happened, and was on the verge of sobbing. I just stood there in the living room clutching her to me and stroking her sweet little head.

Seeing her lifeless in my arms was all to familiar to seeing Noah die in my arms. And I know based on the kids reactions, they thought the same thing.

I know this type of thing is scary for any parent, but I think it's even worse for someone who has already lost a child.

Being a baby loss parent sucks. Since Noah has died, I can't tell you the amount of prayers I have prayed of protection over my earthly kids. After all, they are only on loan to me for however long God determines. And I am thankful for each moment they are here with me.

I don't take one minute for granted.

(I encourage you if you don't know CPR or the Heimlich, please find a course to take. It could save someone's life!)


  1. scary!! had she knocked the wind out of herself when she fell???

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  2. No she didn't as she just "sat" down, not hitting her back. And thanks for the instructions! :)

  3. OH GOODNESS GRACIOUS! I'm sooo thankful she is ok! Scary isn't the word for it!
    And I want you to come and do another CPR/first aid class this coming fall!

  4. Yikes. That is scary! So glad she's ok. Makes me think I should go take some first aid classes!

  5. I am speechless...I was petrified only reading this! I thank God she is ok now!

  6. Oh my goodness! That is the scariest thing I can imagine, especially since she is still so little! SO thankful she is alright though!

  7. How scary, Im so sorry! Im so glad she is ok....Im terrified of anything happening to my little rainbow! Big hugs xoxoxo

  8. <3 We want Olivia to meet her big brother, Noah, but not yet! We've already buried our boys, may God, in His grace, keep us from having to bury another child before He takes us parents!

  9. I am SO thankful Olivia is okay!! My mom had to perform the Heimlich on me when I was 9. I almost died, scary stuff. I definitely need/want to learn and take a CPR class..thank you for inspiring me! Oh my goodness, I am scared to one day have another baby. As a mom in general, I feel I would be afraid of something happening, but especially after losing a baby before. Only God's grace can keep us calm and trusting in Him. Much love and hugs.

  10. My gosh, how scary. So glad that everything is okay!!

  11. Oh wow. That is my absolute worst nightmare, especially now that we've had a loss. I'm so glad that she is okay!!


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