Mother's Day

Hard to believe it's May already. Honestly, this time of year is the start of my "tough" season. Coming up on the anniversary of when we received Noah's fatal diagnosis as well as Mother's day then headed towards his birthday just 8 weeks later. Add in having another rainbow baby any day now, well, I sure could use extra grace, understanding & prayers if I don't always seem myself right now. There are simply  no words to describe the roller coaster of emotion some of these days entail.

I know it's a common misconception that just because someone still has living children after losing a child, that Mother's Day isn't that hard. Well, that is just flat out wrong. I just read dozens upon dozens of comments the other day from mother's who have living children as well as a child(ren) in Heaven and most of them stated that Mother's Day is a difficult day yet no one seems to understand or care. Many shared how they just would rather stay in bed or forget the day. And ya know what, I too share in many of their thoughts & feelings (and am thankful to know I am not alone in how I feel). I'd also go as far as to say, I don't know if I am up to even going to church on Mother's Day. It's one of those things I have to wait & see how I am feeling. Our church does child dedication that day & it's still hard for me to sit through that knowing my precious son is buried just outside the doors and I never got to do that with him. Last year when we dedicated Olivia, we had a piece included about Noah and was disheartened when the person who was to read our piece wanted to take out the part about Noah & not read it. :( Still makes me sad how taboo it seems to be talking about child loss. Nothing like making a baby loss mom feel even more ostracized & alone on an already difficult day.

Did you  know Mother's Day was originally founded by Anna Jarvis to honor her mother who lost 7 children? She was then saddened to see how commercialized the day became.

This coming Sunday, May 5th (always the Sunday before Mother's Day) is known as International Bereaved Mother's Day to honor EVERY mother and a way to help bring to light & break the silence of child loss.

Not sure what to say or do for a mom who has lost a child on mother's day? Here are a list of do's & don'ts. The best suggestion, just acknowledge her child who isn't here & realize that Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for her.

Looking for something tangible to do for Mother's Day? (whether for your own baby or a friend/family members baby) I've talked about Molly Bears in the past and the awesome gift they give grieving families (like our Noah Bear). This year, they are holding a special Mother's Day balloon release.

Go to Molly Bears, and for a $7 donation, you will get a personalized bio-eco friendly balloon, raffia & commemoration card.

HUGE (((hugs))) to the many moms out there who are missing some or all of their children. I know that Mother's Day is filled with mixed emotions. Feel free to leave your child's name in the comments so I can remember them along with you this holiday. And stayed tuned for a way I want to include your child's name in helping us to celebrate Noah's birthday.

Bittersweet

My first Mother's Day without Noah was hard. It was a day that had both smiles & tears. Those who have experianced deep grief, know that it's entirely possible to be both happy & sad all in the same breath as well as switching emotions at the drop of a dime. That's how I felt.

I know I was able to get through the day thanks to the support of so many of you! I know there were a lot of prayers going up on our behalf which I'm so grateful for. I also appreciated all the notes, messages, texts & cards I received as well. You may think they are insignificant but you have no idea how much they mean to me and are such an encouragement. Thank you!

I was actually able to go to church. I probably wouldn't have minded staying home to be honest but figured I'd see how it goes. We did skip Sunday school as I wasn't quite sure how I'd do trying to be able to talk to others. So since we didn't have to get up and going right away, I was able to lay in bed for a bit. As the kids each woke up, they all came up to wish me a happy mothers day. They each gave me the most sweetest card and a gift they picked out on their own. Their cards were so precious! The notes they wrote were amazing, & each of them included part of their card from Noah as well. I was smiling while the tears welled up. And the note I got from Noah was SO precious (found here ).

I am truly thankful it was sunny today! Had it been raining I know it would've affected my mood. I was doing well when we got to church. I knew baby dedication was going to take place & I figured I wouldn't be able to sit through that as we would've been up there this year with Noah. I quietly slipped out as that started and felt the tears start pouring out. I headed right outside to sit with Noah at his grave. It seemed to make the most sense to be with him during baby dedication. After church, we went out as a family to his grave & took a picture of me with all 6 kids. Bittersweet for sure.

After church, Kevin made me lunch. Overall it was a quiet day. I hadn't been feeling the greatest over the weekend due to this diet I've been having to follow in preparation for a test I had to do today. Most of my day yesterday was spent trying to make sure I ate everything I needed to (more on all this later).

I read something recently that was really neat. I was reminded that I sill parent Noah, just in a different way than I do my earthly kids.  I am parenting him in how I talk about him to his siblings & others, in how I love him & show my love for him to others and also in how I keep him & his memory/testimony alive. My son is still alive, he just has a different address than I do for now!

Here's a picture of me with my 6 precious kids on Mother's Day! ♥

I'm currently 30wks pregnant.



My Mother's Day letter from Noah

Hi Mommy,

I wanted to wish you a Happy Mothers Day today. I'm writing this from Heaven as I'm looking down on you. I really miss you mommy. I wish you could be up here with me. I miss not being in your belly. It was really nice being so close to you for 9 months. I didn't want to come out, but Jesus had a plan, so I came out for a little visit before I went to Heaven to be with Jesus. I wish I could have stayed longer and been with you a little more. I wish I could celebrate Mothers Day with the rest of the family. I miss Sarah, Susan, Hannah & my big brother Erik.  I wanted to be there as you hold me and talk silly to me in church as I wanted to be able to have you and daddy dedicate me to Jesus. I know you cry a lot over me and that makes me feel really special and loved. I know you miss me so much. I like when you talk about me to others. Thank you mommy for loving me so very much. I will never forget when I left you and went to be with Jesus. Jesus' arms are just as warm as yours. Please don't worry about me mommy, I am safe up here. I hope I didn't make you cry too much. I love you mom!

Love your special son,
      Noah

I received this letter along with heartfelt letters from the rest of my kiddos. ♥ Oh how the tears fell! What a bittersweet day.