Life continues to be a rollercoaster & from what I'm told, it's going to be like this for quite some time. Which just down right stinks. Things will never be normal again & I'm still having a hard time figuring out what our new normal is.

The kids have been struggling lately with missing Noah. Friday night Susan wouldn't go to bed and she eventually broke down crying because of missing Noah. I honestly don't know what all she said because I had Kevin handle her. I couldn't deal with it as I was in tears myself just knowing she was feeling so down. I feel so helpless. There is nothing I can say or do to help the kids and it makes me feel so bad.

When I woke up Saturday morning I knew it was going to be one of those awful days once again. It's difficult to have decent days then to find myself right back in that dark pit. The kids really wanted to go to Noah's grave and I couldn't bring myself to go yet. Kevin said he would take them. Which made me just feel awful that I just couldn't go. All the kids gathered their Noah babies, Hannah got a seashell she found at the beach the other week & a card she made for Noah to leave at his grave. They also took these little wooden crosses Michele's kids had made with Noah's name on. The kids wanted to also leave those for him.

After they left I just curled up in a ball and sobbed. It's not fair my kids have to go to Noah's grave just to "see" their brother. I sat here looking through the pictures of Noah from the viewing & his memorial service. I also watched his video once again and just bawled my eyes out. I know I should've used this time to do some organizing or cleaning while I had the house to myself, but I couldn't. I just felt so depressed.

I honestly don't know how their visit went because I haven't been able to bring myself to ask Kevin about it yet. I'm still struggling 2 days later and just want to try to get myself feeling better before I ask how their 1st time back to his grave went.

I've been trying to keep myself out of a funk lately by training. I find when I need to be alone or am feeling really low, I go out for a run or a bike ride to try and snap out of it. I found out the other week that I was sponsored for a bike race/fundraiser and honestly I am thankful I was pushed to do this or it might've taken me a long time to get back into exercising. In 12 days, I will be doing a 75 mile race. So I've been trying to focus on that these last few weeks. I am racing in Noah's memory. During my pregnancy with him, I rode & ran a couple hundred miles with him and he always seemed to love when I was exercising. Last weekend I did a 34mile ride and this coming weekend I'll be doubling that as long as the weather holds out.

Still trying to trudge ahead one hour at a time....


  1. Jenn, is there a grief support group there? We have a wonderful group here that is dedicated to people who have lost children. I would think that having others to talk to would be a huge help. Please know that you are still in my thoughts daily.


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