My week started off good, I think in part due to the adrenaline rush from completing the bike ride. But unfortunately, that quickly wore off. Monday was ok, but it went downhill from there. Tuesday the kids really just seemed "off". Our morning just wasn't productive at all. Around lunchtime, Sarah lost it, bawling & saying how much she missed Noah. Of course, this set me off and all I could do was sit there holding her & crying along with her. I am begining to see a pattern in the kids. When they are acting "off", it usually is a precursor to someone breaking down because of Noah.

Tuesday was also our first day back to our homeschoolers gym & swim class at the Rec. I suspect that is what may have set Sarah off. The last time we had this class, I was about 35wks pregnant. So this class was a very vivid reminder of missing Noah. Even I was kind've dreading it.

I knew there would be people at this class who remembered me from a few months ago and being pregnant. So as soon as I got the kids situated, I left the area to get away from the other moms so I could be alone. I wasn't feeling social at all. So I went to a sitting area which happened to be where I always sat just a few months ago when prego with Noah. As I sat there with the 2 kiddos I babysit, it brought back a ton of memories and made me tear up. I remember sitting there planning how I was going to be bringing the kids back for this class and how I was going to have 3 little ones under 2yrs old that I would need to entertain.

As I sat there holding baby B, who is only 3wks older than Noah, one of the employees I often talked to saw me and came over. She glanced at B (who is a girl) and said to me "I thought you were having a boy". I was already in tears from the memories so when she said this to me I started sobbing and was barely able to tell her that yes, I did have a son but he died. I felt bad for her, she just didn't know what to say and ended up walking away.

I knew it was a matter of time before someone would mistaken B for mine. Normally any other time it wouldn't have affected me, but I was just having an emotional afternoon. Also, B's mom and I were only due 2wks apart, and I was SO looking forward to our kiddos growing up together. I am thankful for B and her older brother J as they have been a part of our healing process.

Today, I was SO blessed by dear friends making a trip of over an hour one way to see the kids & I. They couldn't have come over at a better time as I was feeling so down & didn't realize just how much I truly needed the encouragement. They have been in my shoes & knew how I was feeling. It was just special enough to have them stop by, but Kerry & Kevin even brought me an iced latte from a coffee shop out their way!!! They remembered I like those, how sweet!!!

Continue to keep not only our family in your thoughts & prayers, but also Jen & Michele's families as well. With the holidays quickly approaching, I have a feeling we are all going to have some tough days to face this first year especially, without our little ones. Every passing day is a constant reminder of those milestones we are missing out on.


  1. Just saw this today, you are right about the kids it works the same for mine. Love and hugs to you sister. I can't wait for Friday...I need to see my 2 Jenn's :)

  2. Hi. I am a complete stranger to you, but I came to youtube tonight to listen once again to hello, Goodbye in memory of our little Kerrigan. it's been a really hard evening for so many reasons and Noah's story... it hit my heart. I will be praying for you, for ALL of you. I have a blog, tho I haven't been there much lately. Perhaps that would be a healing place for me right now too. Kerrigan would be 19 now, I never got to hug her, only see her sucking her thumb on an U/S screen. But I miss her so much. Come visit me and my crew at I will be thinking of and praying for you and yours!


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