This is week 1 and we are to introduce ourselves & share where are now.
For those who don't know me, my name is Jenn. I'm a child of the King, a wife to Kevin for over 14 years and a homeschooling mom to six (soon to be 7) precious children, living in Pa.
Our journey started in October 2009 when we found out we were expecting our 5th child. We were all ecstatic! I was feeling good, almost too good at times I commented, but I brushed that off. My pregnancy progressed well. I stayed active in running & even long distance biking up close to the end. I had been with an OB up until 18 weeks but then decided to switch to a midwife for a homebirth. So other than an early ultrasound to get a due date, I didn't have any other ones done.
My cousin & her husband owned a 3D ultrasound business, one of those places you go for the "fun" ultrasound. So at 30 weeks, we went in for a glimpse of our baby. We didn't want to know the gender, just more or less see some face pictures. Of course baby was being stubborn & had hands held right in front of their face. So we decided to go back in a few weeks to try again.
At our next appointment, yet again the hands were in front of the face. After much poking & prodding, baby finally started to move the hands, and in those seconds, I caught my breath. I could tell right away our baby had a cleft lip. Of course seeing something physically wrong with your child is heartbreaking and I had this sickening feeling that there was more going on despite people telling us things would be fine.
Long story short (you can read more details under May 2010), we went back to the OB, who sent us to maternal fetal medicine for an in-depth ultrasound. Between that & an amnio, we were given the diagnosis that our son was "incompatible with life" and had Trisomy 13. From that point on, our lives were drastically changed forever. There is a lot more to Noah's amazing birth & our time together you are welcome to read and see how God's hand held our family during that time especially.
It's been 909 days since Noah died. And it certainly has not been an easy road since then. Many people (read, those who haven't lost a child) said with time, the pain will lessen. I don't think that is true. With time, I'm learning how to live with the Noah-size shaped hole in my life, and I don't think I will fully master it until the day I die. I'm learning how to incorporate my grief as a part of me just as if I was missing an arm. You can't ever get a new arm, you have to learn how to live differently with a part of you missing. And at times, that is hard work.
I think as time passes, I realize even more how much I miss Noah. You lose so much when your child dies. I miss seeing the relationship he would've had with his siblings, I am missing out on him discovering his world around him as an inquisitive 2 year old. So the times when those moments hit me, it makes me want to cry out in the unfairness of it all.
The tears still come & the grief still hits me, sometimes out of nowhere. Thankfully the good days outweigh the tough ones, but they are still there. Noah is a part of our everyday life, from talking about what he'd be doing today, to seeing his pictures around the house, to recalling how he felt in my arms, to including his picture when we take family pictures, he is ALWAYS a part of our family!
Though despite the pain & heartache I will always have, the only reason I am where I am today is the because of the hope I have in Jesus. I know my son is living today, just waiting for the day when we are all together again in Heaven. I know God placed our family on this path for a special reason and I am striving to use Noah's testimony & our journey for HIS glory!
