Oh the thoughts that have been tossing around in my head this last day or so. I honestly wasn't prepared to get slammed by the onslaught of emotions that has hit me since Saturday. In my mind, I was trying to ignore the fact that June was rapidly coming to an end.
It didn't work. *sigh*
The last day of June found us attending a picnic that started as an annual tradition
last year for the first time. This year, the
brothers & sisters picnic was held at Litiz park. There were many neat activities for all the kids. They decorated flower pots and picked a flower to plant in them, made a little clay stone (that we baked at home) and each made a beaded bracelet with Noah's name. Erik even held a snake and Steven Courtney and his band did a concert.
I admit, while I was thankful the kids once again had an event just for them & others who have lost a sibling, it triggered a lot of feelings for me. Seeing all these families that each also lost a child was heartbreaking. I know part of the way I was feeling like I was is due to the fact that Noah's birthday is coming up and I am
really missing my boy.
It's just a totally bittersweet time. For each milestone Olivia reaches, we are reminded of what we haven't gotten to experience with Noah. I know those who don't "get it" say oh you should be happy as you have Olivia and it's almost her birthday. Quiet honestly, I find that very hurtful. Remember, Olivia does not replace Noah. I AM happy I have Olivia's birthday to celebrate on the same day as Noah's (though I'm sad at how fast she is growing up). I KNOW I am blessed to have 5 living children. I realize God has a plan in all this and I have accepted that.
But I don't need to be reminded of that.
What I need is for people to just be accepting. Yes, it's almost 2 years since Noah died. But it's
only 2 years compared to a lifetime of facing this grief and 2 years is still early in this journey. Everyone remembers Olivia and her upcoming birthday but not everyone realizes or accepts that Noah's life is just as significant as the rest of my kids and deserves the same recognition.
What I ask for is some grace, understanding and prayer. Maybe even a little compassion and love. I may be more withdrawn, forgetful, or teary-eyed at times. Please remember why I don't seem myself. A part of me is missing and this month is honestly hard as we celebrate his birth and remember his death only a day later. Don't be afraid to mention Noah's name or talk to me/us about him. That is the greatest gift anyone can do,
just remember him.
This dance of joy and grief is a difficult one as in many moments I feel both those emotions intertwined together. But that's ok. I accept that this is the path God chose for my life and I am thankful for how He is using Noah's life in great ways. This journey may not always be easy but I know in the end it will all be worth it!
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4
Though sorrow may last through the night, joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5
Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
John 16:22
