10 months old
Friday, May 13, 2011
Today you are 10 months old Noah, wow! Everyday, I think about the milestones you'd be reaching if you were here & at the same time, I wonder what your days in Heaven are like. Knowing you are waiting for us makes us look forward to Heaven even more! We love & miss you so much my sweet Noah Alexander! ♥
An add-on to my friends blog today
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A sweet friend of mine recently put a challenge out on her blog, asking what crazy calling has God called us to do in our lives. So I emailed her not figuring I really fell into the category of what she was asking but wanted to share with her anyway. Today, she ended up sharing some encouraging scripture & quotes as well as my email to her, found here .
I admit, reading it over, my thoughts were all over the place! I think in part due to I haven't been feeling well since I had that testing done (I have really felt loopy trying to get my sugars back to normal & probably should've waited to write more coherently). I just figured I'd add onto more of what I was saying to Lynnea.
Like I mentioned to her, I feel burdened for moms (and families) going through what we've gone through in getting a fatal prenatal diagnosis as well as losing a child. The OB practice I am with as well as the hospital I delivered at really lacked support for us which was disappointing. Especially after hearing how others experiances had been better in other hospitals, etc. Don't get me wrong, I liked my delivering hospital in the fact that it is small and we got more personal care (and I LOVED my OB who delivered Noah, she was amazing!) My complaints aren't at all with general labor & delivery. The lack of support came to dealing with our special circumstances and grieving. Looking back I can see how some things should've been handled differently. I think since they are a smaller hospital, they don't have many infant deaths & therefore just lack the training on how to deal with those special families.
I have had several ideas rolling around in my head lately about just how could I use what we've been going through to help others, even with this hospital specifically. I also want to do something in Noah's memory for other families who have lost their precious babies. It's something I've been in prayer about and am just trying to see what & where exactly God's leading is in all this. Like I told her, for now, I use my blog to be as open & real as I can in a public setting (I'm always open to chatting more via email) as it's a way for me to put my thoughts down in attempts to try & process things as well as hopefully reaching out to others.
I also told her how God has been using Noah's life to strengthen our faith among other things. I should've also added that this last year has also been a lesson in total reliance on God. When everything fell apart in our lives, when we had no one else to turn to or rely on as we go through this journey of grief, we still had Jesus. It has been amazing when you let yourself completely fall onto Him, how he meets your needs as they come up. It is only through his strength & grace that I am here where I am right now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go. We're only coming up on 10 months since Noah died, and I'm learning that grieving is a long process. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. But I know He's got plans for Noah's testimony & our lives & that gives us a sense of peace!
We had a lot of other bumps & hurts we've also experianced due to losing Noah. Some friends & family that we thought would be there for us for the long haul, weren't for example. We are learning that when God brings you through a period of trial & suffering, he also changes a lot of other things in your life. Like with everything else, I've just learned to say "your will Lord, not mine". Again we've been reminded that no matter who may come & go in our lives, HE is still there!
On the flip side, all we've been going through has brought out a side of a lot of people in ways I wouldn't have expected. Support has been shown to us in many ways from people both near and far, in real life & online, often just at the right moment when it was needed the most. I am so thankful to the many people who have reached out of their comfort zones in order to say a prayer, give an encouraging word & just support us, especially long after the funeral as it's in those later months that are some of the tougher times. Galatians 6:2 "Share each others burdens and in this way obey the law of Christ."
One of the hardest things for all of us has been how life has gone on & back to normal for those around us while our life has been turned upsidedown & we are left alone to try and figure out our new "normal". Some have expected us to be just like how we were before Noah died and I can tell you we will never be like the same. We are changed!!
Like Lynnea said, we want to take what God has done in our life and use it for HIS glory! God can take trials and tribulations and turn them into some amazing things.....as long as we put our faith in Him and allow Him to use our lives for whatever He sets before us.
Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began! ~John 17:24
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Cor 4:17-18
I admit, reading it over, my thoughts were all over the place! I think in part due to I haven't been feeling well since I had that testing done (I have really felt loopy trying to get my sugars back to normal & probably should've waited to write more coherently). I just figured I'd add onto more of what I was saying to Lynnea.
Like I mentioned to her, I feel burdened for moms (and families) going through what we've gone through in getting a fatal prenatal diagnosis as well as losing a child. The OB practice I am with as well as the hospital I delivered at really lacked support for us which was disappointing. Especially after hearing how others experiances had been better in other hospitals, etc. Don't get me wrong, I liked my delivering hospital in the fact that it is small and we got more personal care (and I LOVED my OB who delivered Noah, she was amazing!) My complaints aren't at all with general labor & delivery. The lack of support came to dealing with our special circumstances and grieving. Looking back I can see how some things should've been handled differently. I think since they are a smaller hospital, they don't have many infant deaths & therefore just lack the training on how to deal with those special families.
I have had several ideas rolling around in my head lately about just how could I use what we've been going through to help others, even with this hospital specifically. I also want to do something in Noah's memory for other families who have lost their precious babies. It's something I've been in prayer about and am just trying to see what & where exactly God's leading is in all this. Like I told her, for now, I use my blog to be as open & real as I can in a public setting (I'm always open to chatting more via email) as it's a way for me to put my thoughts down in attempts to try & process things as well as hopefully reaching out to others.
I also told her how God has been using Noah's life to strengthen our faith among other things. I should've also added that this last year has also been a lesson in total reliance on God. When everything fell apart in our lives, when we had no one else to turn to or rely on as we go through this journey of grief, we still had Jesus. It has been amazing when you let yourself completely fall onto Him, how he meets your needs as they come up. It is only through his strength & grace that I am here where I am right now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go. We're only coming up on 10 months since Noah died, and I'm learning that grieving is a long process. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. But I know He's got plans for Noah's testimony & our lives & that gives us a sense of peace!
We had a lot of other bumps & hurts we've also experianced due to losing Noah. Some friends & family that we thought would be there for us for the long haul, weren't for example. We are learning that when God brings you through a period of trial & suffering, he also changes a lot of other things in your life. Like with everything else, I've just learned to say "your will Lord, not mine". Again we've been reminded that no matter who may come & go in our lives, HE is still there!
On the flip side, all we've been going through has brought out a side of a lot of people in ways I wouldn't have expected. Support has been shown to us in many ways from people both near and far, in real life & online, often just at the right moment when it was needed the most. I am so thankful to the many people who have reached out of their comfort zones in order to say a prayer, give an encouraging word & just support us, especially long after the funeral as it's in those later months that are some of the tougher times. Galatians 6:2 "Share each others burdens and in this way obey the law of Christ."
One of the hardest things for all of us has been how life has gone on & back to normal for those around us while our life has been turned upsidedown & we are left alone to try and figure out our new "normal". Some have expected us to be just like how we were before Noah died and I can tell you we will never be like the same. We are changed!!
Like Lynnea said, we want to take what God has done in our life and use it for HIS glory! God can take trials and tribulations and turn them into some amazing things.....as long as we put our faith in Him and allow Him to use our lives for whatever He sets before us.
Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began! ~John 17:24
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
~Lyrics taken from "Blessings" by Laura Story
(I love this song Lynnea, thank you!!)
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Cor 4:17-18
Linking up with Lynette & following her lead to be spontaneous & sharing in hopes of blessing someone out there!
The dreaded 3hr glucose test
Monday, May 9, 2011
I feel like I need to play catch up here. Lots going on lately as well as lots of up & down emotions (which is probably why I haven't posted as much lately). May 6th marked the 1yr anniversary of our "fun" ultrasound we had. The day that we first saw a cleft lip & knew something wasn't right. Though at this point we didn't know just how grave things were going to turn out to be. It was actually the first post to my blog that can be found here . I can't believe it's been a year.
Anyway, I will do my best to fill in the gaps in the coming week. I made reference earlier to some testing I just had done. Let me tell ya all about it!!!
So last week I had a checkup at the OB. When I was last there 2wks prior, they said they wanted to start seeing me every 2wks now. Which honestly blows my mind. It doesn't seem like I am coming down to the end of this pregnancy. It really feels like yesterday I just had Noah. Ok, in the grand scheme of things, it could've just been yesterday. He & this baby will barely be 12 months apart, wow! Anyway, I saw in my phone I had programmed my next checkup for the 10th, which was 3wks out and didn't seem right. I figured in a moment of prego brain, I entered it wrong (I have MAJOR prego brain this pregnancy. Ask my kids, they pretty much function as my brain anymore).
Figuring I put the date in wrong (and not bothering to call & actually find out, duh), we went to the OB on May 3rd. As soon as I walked in & she saw me, she said I don't have you on the schedule. Crap. Thankfully she said I could still be seen if I wanted. I said sure (as it takes me 20 min one way to get there & considering the price of gas.....) Well it turned out that my forgetfulness was a blessing in disguise. See, I had had blood work done 2wks prior as well as my 1hr glucose test done. I was told they'd call if there was any issues. I never got a call. Since I never had an issue in the past, I didn't bother calling in to check like I normally would for test results. So I'm sitting there during this checkup & I asked her about my test results. She takes a look & said didn't you get a call? I said uh no. She said well, your iron is low & your glucose levels were high & you need to take the 3hr test ASAP.
Great. I knew the 3hr test involved fasting & several blood draws. She said oh you also need to follow this high carb diet for a full 2 days prior to the test. She hands me a paper and as I look at it, my eyes about pop out of my head. I couldn't believe what I needed to consume each day for 2 WHOLE DAYS!!! I mean, what they wanted me to eat is what I eat in like a weeks time if that. I am a healthy eater, so carbs are low on my list of what I consume normally.
The way the scheduling fell, I needed to consume this "diet" on Saturday & Sunday then have testing done on Monday. Oh what a challenge this was! Saturday was a busy day due to our annual development sale (I'll cover this another time) and Sunday was Mother's day (and due to everything, I had no appetite).
Let me just say, I am SOO grateful for the awesome friends I have. I shared what I was having to deal with with many of you and ya'll helped cheer me on & hold me accountable by your messages, texts & prayers. Some even brought me food to try & take the burden off of me in trying to figure out what to eat, thanks!! (even though I felt like I was gonna puke!)
I'll be honest, this was difficult for me to do. It took me until after 9pm Saturday night to meet my quota of servings for that day. I only had until 8pm Sunday to get in that days quota (as I had to fast for 12hrs) and I just barely met it. I shed some tears along the way as I was feeling SO miserable and sick at times. I could hardly sleep Sunday night as I was SO uncomfortable & just didn't feel good. I know for some people this diet wouldn't have been a big deal, but for me it was a huge struggle.
So today we had to be out the door bright and early as I was scheduled at 8:15. I went back for my first blood draw to get my fasting level. Once that was done, she gave me my bottle of sugary sweetness I had to drink. She tells me as I'm drinking this that this is double the sugar of the 1hr test. Gee thanks. Even if she hadn't told me that, I would've known. Within minutes I felt totally buzzed yet sick. She said see you in an hour. Back out to the waiting room I went where the kids were waiting for me. (oh yeah, the entire practice is in love with my well-behaved kids, their words. They said they look forward to seeing them each visit & are amazed at how polite & sweet they are! ♥)
We packed books, card games & laptops because we knew we'd be there for over 3hrs. I ended up having a total of 4 seperate blood draws, my last one at 11:30. You'd think after all that, they'd have some results. But nope, I won't know anything until Tuesday or Wednesday.
I met up with some great friends for a picnic right after my appointment (sorry if I seemed drugged & goofy, I sure felt it!) I've been laying down ever since I got home though as I just do not feel good at all. I guess it takes awhile for your body to balance out after screwing with sugar levels for 3 days. I feel miserable. Right now, I have a love/hate relationship with food. I have not eaten supper as I just have no appetite.
Unless you put a watermelon in front of me. That's about all I could eat right now!
Anyway, I will do my best to fill in the gaps in the coming week. I made reference earlier to some testing I just had done. Let me tell ya all about it!!!
So last week I had a checkup at the OB. When I was last there 2wks prior, they said they wanted to start seeing me every 2wks now. Which honestly blows my mind. It doesn't seem like I am coming down to the end of this pregnancy. It really feels like yesterday I just had Noah. Ok, in the grand scheme of things, it could've just been yesterday. He & this baby will barely be 12 months apart, wow! Anyway, I saw in my phone I had programmed my next checkup for the 10th, which was 3wks out and didn't seem right. I figured in a moment of prego brain, I entered it wrong (I have MAJOR prego brain this pregnancy. Ask my kids, they pretty much function as my brain anymore).
Figuring I put the date in wrong (and not bothering to call & actually find out, duh), we went to the OB on May 3rd. As soon as I walked in & she saw me, she said I don't have you on the schedule. Crap. Thankfully she said I could still be seen if I wanted. I said sure (as it takes me 20 min one way to get there & considering the price of gas.....) Well it turned out that my forgetfulness was a blessing in disguise. See, I had had blood work done 2wks prior as well as my 1hr glucose test done. I was told they'd call if there was any issues. I never got a call. Since I never had an issue in the past, I didn't bother calling in to check like I normally would for test results. So I'm sitting there during this checkup & I asked her about my test results. She takes a look & said didn't you get a call? I said uh no. She said well, your iron is low & your glucose levels were high & you need to take the 3hr test ASAP.
Great. I knew the 3hr test involved fasting & several blood draws. She said oh you also need to follow this high carb diet for a full 2 days prior to the test. She hands me a paper and as I look at it, my eyes about pop out of my head. I couldn't believe what I needed to consume each day for 2 WHOLE DAYS!!! I mean, what they wanted me to eat is what I eat in like a weeks time if that. I am a healthy eater, so carbs are low on my list of what I consume normally.
The way the scheduling fell, I needed to consume this "diet" on Saturday & Sunday then have testing done on Monday. Oh what a challenge this was! Saturday was a busy day due to our annual development sale (I'll cover this another time) and Sunday was Mother's day (and due to everything, I had no appetite).
Let me just say, I am SOO grateful for the awesome friends I have. I shared what I was having to deal with with many of you and ya'll helped cheer me on & hold me accountable by your messages, texts & prayers. Some even brought me food to try & take the burden off of me in trying to figure out what to eat, thanks!! (even though I felt like I was gonna puke!)
I'll be honest, this was difficult for me to do. It took me until after 9pm Saturday night to meet my quota of servings for that day. I only had until 8pm Sunday to get in that days quota (as I had to fast for 12hrs) and I just barely met it. I shed some tears along the way as I was feeling SO miserable and sick at times. I could hardly sleep Sunday night as I was SO uncomfortable & just didn't feel good. I know for some people this diet wouldn't have been a big deal, but for me it was a huge struggle.
So today we had to be out the door bright and early as I was scheduled at 8:15. I went back for my first blood draw to get my fasting level. Once that was done, she gave me my bottle of sugary sweetness I had to drink. She tells me as I'm drinking this that this is double the sugar of the 1hr test. Gee thanks. Even if she hadn't told me that, I would've known. Within minutes I felt totally buzzed yet sick. She said see you in an hour. Back out to the waiting room I went where the kids were waiting for me. (oh yeah, the entire practice is in love with my well-behaved kids, their words. They said they look forward to seeing them each visit & are amazed at how polite & sweet they are! ♥)
We packed books, card games & laptops because we knew we'd be there for over 3hrs. I ended up having a total of 4 seperate blood draws, my last one at 11:30. You'd think after all that, they'd have some results. But nope, I won't know anything until Tuesday or Wednesday.
I met up with some great friends for a picnic right after my appointment (sorry if I seemed drugged & goofy, I sure felt it!) I've been laying down ever since I got home though as I just do not feel good at all. I guess it takes awhile for your body to balance out after screwing with sugar levels for 3 days. I feel miserable. Right now, I have a love/hate relationship with food. I have not eaten supper as I just have no appetite.
Unless you put a watermelon in front of me. That's about all I could eat right now!
Bittersweet
My first Mother's Day without Noah was hard. It was a day that had both smiles & tears. Those who have experianced deep grief, know that it's entirely possible to be both happy & sad all in the same breath as well as switching emotions at the drop of a dime. That's how I felt.
I know I was able to get through the day thanks to the support of so many of you! I know there were a lot of prayers going up on our behalf which I'm so grateful for. I also appreciated all the notes, messages, texts & cards I received as well. You may think they are insignificant but you have no idea how much they mean to me and are such an encouragement. Thank you!
I was actually able to go to church. I probably wouldn't have minded staying home to be honest but figured I'd see how it goes. We did skip Sunday school as I wasn't quite sure how I'd do trying to be able to talk to others. So since we didn't have to get up and going right away, I was able to lay in bed for a bit. As the kids each woke up, they all came up to wish me a happy mothers day. They each gave me the most sweetest card and a gift they picked out on their own. Their cards were so precious! The notes they wrote were amazing, & each of them included part of their card from Noah as well. I was smiling while the tears welled up. And the note I got from Noah was SO precious (found here ).
I am truly thankful it was sunny today! Had it been raining I know it would've affected my mood. I was doing well when we got to church. I knew baby dedication was going to take place & I figured I wouldn't be able to sit through that as we would've been up there this year with Noah. I quietly slipped out as that started and felt the tears start pouring out. I headed right outside to sit with Noah at his grave. It seemed to make the most sense to be with him during baby dedication. After church, we went out as a family to his grave & took a picture of me with all 6 kids. Bittersweet for sure.
After church, Kevin made me lunch. Overall it was a quiet day. I hadn't been feeling the greatest over the weekend due to this diet I've been having to follow in preparation for a test I had to do today. Most of my day yesterday was spent trying to make sure I ate everything I needed to (more on all this later).
I read something recently that was really neat. I was reminded that I sill parent Noah, just in a different way than I do my earthly kids. I am parenting him in how I talk about him to his siblings & others, in how I love him & show my love for him to others and also in how I keep him & his memory/testimony alive. My son is still alive, he just has a different address than I do for now!
I know I was able to get through the day thanks to the support of so many of you! I know there were a lot of prayers going up on our behalf which I'm so grateful for. I also appreciated all the notes, messages, texts & cards I received as well. You may think they are insignificant but you have no idea how much they mean to me and are such an encouragement. Thank you!
I was actually able to go to church. I probably wouldn't have minded staying home to be honest but figured I'd see how it goes. We did skip Sunday school as I wasn't quite sure how I'd do trying to be able to talk to others. So since we didn't have to get up and going right away, I was able to lay in bed for a bit. As the kids each woke up, they all came up to wish me a happy mothers day. They each gave me the most sweetest card and a gift they picked out on their own. Their cards were so precious! The notes they wrote were amazing, & each of them included part of their card from Noah as well. I was smiling while the tears welled up. And the note I got from Noah was SO precious (found here ).
I am truly thankful it was sunny today! Had it been raining I know it would've affected my mood. I was doing well when we got to church. I knew baby dedication was going to take place & I figured I wouldn't be able to sit through that as we would've been up there this year with Noah. I quietly slipped out as that started and felt the tears start pouring out. I headed right outside to sit with Noah at his grave. It seemed to make the most sense to be with him during baby dedication. After church, we went out as a family to his grave & took a picture of me with all 6 kids. Bittersweet for sure.
After church, Kevin made me lunch. Overall it was a quiet day. I hadn't been feeling the greatest over the weekend due to this diet I've been having to follow in preparation for a test I had to do today. Most of my day yesterday was spent trying to make sure I ate everything I needed to (more on all this later).
I read something recently that was really neat. I was reminded that I sill parent Noah, just in a different way than I do my earthly kids. I am parenting him in how I talk about him to his siblings & others, in how I love him & show my love for him to others and also in how I keep him & his memory/testimony alive. My son is still alive, he just has a different address than I do for now!
Here's a picture of me with my 6 precious kids on Mother's Day! ♥
I'm currently 30wks pregnant.
My Mother's Day letter from Noah
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Hi Mommy,
I wanted to wish you a Happy Mothers Day today. I'm writing this from Heaven as I'm looking down on you. I really miss you mommy. I wish you could be up here with me. I miss not being in your belly. It was really nice being so close to you for 9 months. I didn't want to come out, but Jesus had a plan, so I came out for a little visit before I went to Heaven to be with Jesus. I wish I could have stayed longer and been with you a little more. I wish I could celebrate Mothers Day with the rest of the family. I miss Sarah, Susan, Hannah & my big brother Erik. I wanted to be there as you hold me and talk silly to me in church as I wanted to be able to have you and daddy dedicate me to Jesus. I know you cry a lot over me and that makes me feel really special and loved. I know you miss me so much. I like when you talk about me to others. Thank you mommy for loving me so very much. I will never forget when I left you and went to be with Jesus. Jesus' arms are just as warm as yours. Please don't worry about me mommy, I am safe up here. I hope I didn't make you cry too much. I love you mom!
Love your special son,
Noah
I received this letter along with heartfelt letters from the rest of my kiddos. ♥ Oh how the tears fell! What a bittersweet day.
I wanted to wish you a Happy Mothers Day today. I'm writing this from Heaven as I'm looking down on you. I really miss you mommy. I wish you could be up here with me. I miss not being in your belly. It was really nice being so close to you for 9 months. I didn't want to come out, but Jesus had a plan, so I came out for a little visit before I went to Heaven to be with Jesus. I wish I could have stayed longer and been with you a little more. I wish I could celebrate Mothers Day with the rest of the family. I miss Sarah, Susan, Hannah & my big brother Erik. I wanted to be there as you hold me and talk silly to me in church as I wanted to be able to have you and daddy dedicate me to Jesus. I know you cry a lot over me and that makes me feel really special and loved. I know you miss me so much. I like when you talk about me to others. Thank you mommy for loving me so very much. I will never forget when I left you and went to be with Jesus. Jesus' arms are just as warm as yours. Please don't worry about me mommy, I am safe up here. I hope I didn't make you cry too much. I love you mom!
Love your special son,
Noah
I received this letter along with heartfelt letters from the rest of my kiddos. ♥ Oh how the tears fell! What a bittersweet day.
Happy 8th Birthday Erik!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Today, 8 years ago (holy cow has it been that long!!) Erik made his grand entrance into the world 2 weeks late. Yes, he was supposed to be my April born baby. Boy was I looking forward to that diamond birthstone in my mothers ring someday, but alas, he must've thought an emerald would be better. I can still vividly remember the day. It was a warm Saturday & we had taken the girls to a family fun day at a local church. I had been cramping a bit, but hadn't thought much of it. Till that evening, we went for a walk & I noticed I was having some notable contractions but again, I didn't want too get excited. After all, the girls had all been induced really late so I hadn't yet gone into labor on my own.
Night time came, everyone went to bed. I stayed up & said I was just uncomfortable & would surf the internet. Well, by this time I had noticed I was having timeable contractions but didn't tell Kevin. He went to sleep. lol Meanwhile, I paced the house walking to try & bring them on stronger. I was starting to get excited by this point. Then I started getting really uncomfortable.....and irritated Kevin was still sleeping! haha So I went and woke him up. When he sort've came to, I said I'm in labor. His first words to me (and he's lucky he didn't lose some teeth over this) was "are you sure"?!?! Yes, I kid you not. I probably had some choice words for him because by this point, my contractions were 4-5 minutes apart & I was having to breath through them.
I decided to jump in the shower. Oh did that feel good. Meanwhile, (after he realized I wasn't kidding) he called the doctor. I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. We headed to the hospital about 1:40am. I won't ever ride in his car again during labor. That was torture. I don't care if it's a cool looking car! lol
We got to labor & delivery a little after 2am. I have written somewhere all the details of the next few hours such as times & how dilated I was as well as doctor comments. During my labors, I always made sure Kevin kept a running journal in case I couldn't remember due to being in PAIN! ha Anyway, my labor was pretty quick with him. When it came time to push, my OB noticed his heart rate was decreasing big time. Before I had a chance to really know what was happening, she attached a vacuum to his head and as I pushed, she pretty much yanked his head out. I'll spare you the painful details but holy cow did that hurt! Before he could be delivered, she had to cut his cord from around his neck. Turns out his heart was decelerating due to his cord being wrapped around his neck twice. We were very fortunate his outcome was so positive. Erik Matthew was born about 7:30 am (I'd have to look up the exact time, I forget, I'm getting old). He weighed 7lbs 1oz & was 19". He was the same length as all our kiddos & he weighed exactly what Hannah did. They were my "biggest" babies. Erik actually had strangulation marks on his neck for several days due to his cord and he had developed torticollis due to being strangled by his cord. (Physical therapy resolved that).
Here's a pic of the kids together. The twins were 3, Hannah wasn't quite yet 2. Yes, we had 4 kids in 3 yrs. Blessed for sure!♥ (and wow does Noah look like Erik here, it's those cheeks!)
And here are some pictures from today. The kids always get to pick what they want for their cake. Some years they ask for some really elaborate ones that I've enjoyed making. Erik has actually said for a few months now how he wanted his cake. He said he wanted a picture of him & Noah for his cake this year. So this was his cake....I love this picture!
Night time came, everyone went to bed. I stayed up & said I was just uncomfortable & would surf the internet. Well, by this time I had noticed I was having timeable contractions but didn't tell Kevin. He went to sleep. lol Meanwhile, I paced the house walking to try & bring them on stronger. I was starting to get excited by this point. Then I started getting really uncomfortable.....and irritated Kevin was still sleeping! haha So I went and woke him up. When he sort've came to, I said I'm in labor. His first words to me (and he's lucky he didn't lose some teeth over this) was "are you sure"?!?! Yes, I kid you not. I probably had some choice words for him because by this point, my contractions were 4-5 minutes apart & I was having to breath through them.
I decided to jump in the shower. Oh did that feel good. Meanwhile, (after he realized I wasn't kidding) he called the doctor. I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. We headed to the hospital about 1:40am. I won't ever ride in his car again during labor. That was torture. I don't care if it's a cool looking car! lol
We got to labor & delivery a little after 2am. I have written somewhere all the details of the next few hours such as times & how dilated I was as well as doctor comments. During my labors, I always made sure Kevin kept a running journal in case I couldn't remember due to being in PAIN! ha Anyway, my labor was pretty quick with him. When it came time to push, my OB noticed his heart rate was decreasing big time. Before I had a chance to really know what was happening, she attached a vacuum to his head and as I pushed, she pretty much yanked his head out. I'll spare you the painful details but holy cow did that hurt! Before he could be delivered, she had to cut his cord from around his neck. Turns out his heart was decelerating due to his cord being wrapped around his neck twice. We were very fortunate his outcome was so positive. Erik Matthew was born about 7:30 am (I'd have to look up the exact time, I forget, I'm getting old). He weighed 7lbs 1oz & was 19". He was the same length as all our kiddos & he weighed exactly what Hannah did. They were my "biggest" babies. Erik actually had strangulation marks on his neck for several days due to his cord and he had developed torticollis due to being strangled by his cord. (Physical therapy resolved that).
Here's a pic of the kids together. The twins were 3, Hannah wasn't quite yet 2. Yes, we had 4 kids in 3 yrs. Blessed for sure!♥ (and wow does Noah look like Erik here, it's those cheeks!)
He is SUCH a proud big brother. I still remember the day when he found out he was having a brother. Nothing could wipe the big smile from his face. For YEARS he kept asking for a little brother. It breaks my heart when he comes to us in tears saying how he wishes he could show Noah how to play football or play video games with him.
It made this mama proud how excited the girls were in wanting to help Erik celebrate his birthday. When we were out shopping earlier this week, the girls insisted that they wanted to each buy him a little something with their own money. And that's exactly what they did. Judging by his reaction, you would've thought they got him the most expensive gifts ever. He was so thankful & appreciative of that frisbee, pack of silly bands & matchbox car they gave him. He gave them each a big hug & said he loved it all. They even found a blanket they all bought together for his Noah doll. I love how caring & selfless my kiddos are. The girls had just as much fun giving him gifts as he did opening them. Susan had even spent part of the afternoon thoroughly cleaning out his room. She said that was also part of his birthday gift!
Happy Birthday Erik! I'm so glad God blessed us with you!!! ♥
Mothers Day Poem
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A Mother's Day Wish from Heaven
by Jody Seilheimer
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing you from Heaven,
and though it must appear
a rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit
your stores to find a card,
a card of love for my mother,
as this day is very hard.
There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in Heaven.
She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside,
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
that though I live in Heaven now,
I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.
sometimes far into the night.
She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells.
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.
trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored
and remembered too,
just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best,
I have done all I can do;
to you I leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.
Easter
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Like all the other holidays since Noah died, today was both happy and sad. Easter holds a special meaning for us this year especially when we think of Heaven. We are SO grateful that Jesus died on the cross so we can spend eternity in Heaven. We have the glorious hope we hold onto during the tough days especially, knowing that we WILL see Noah again!
I wonder what today especially is like in Heaven as everyone celebrates the resurrected Christ. Oh the celebration Noah gets to be a part of!
I miss the fact that I didn't have a little one to dress up like I should've had. Noah would've enjoyed playing with the plastic eggs from the egg hunt I'm sure. When the older 4 kids were little, I started a tradition of dressing them up in bunny costumes every year until they no longer fit into them (oh they will love those pics when they are older!)
I wonder what today especially is like in Heaven as everyone celebrates the resurrected Christ. Oh the celebration Noah gets to be a part of!
I miss the fact that I didn't have a little one to dress up like I should've had. Noah would've enjoyed playing with the plastic eggs from the egg hunt I'm sure. When the older 4 kids were little, I started a tradition of dressing them up in bunny costumes every year until they no longer fit into them (oh they will love those pics when they are older!)
Last Easter, I was looking forward to this Easter & breaking out the little bunny costume for Noah. It's those little things most people don't think about that we also miss.
Today while we were at church, we went to visit Noah's grave. This was the first time we were there as a family since Noah's funeral. We've all been to his grave at different times, but not together. Tears were shed as we all stood there with our arms around each other, each of us quiet with thoughts of our own. Oh how we miss you Noah!
I had my camera along so I asked the kids if they'd like their picture taken with Noah and that cheered them all up. I realize that may seem strange to some of you, but this is all they get to do with their brother. This is as close as they can get to his earthly body & it meant a lot to them to have Noah included in the annual Easter pic(even if it was only his grave marker that can be seen).
I hope you all had a Blessed Easter!
3rd trimester
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Today marks the first day of my 3rd trimester. Hard to believe actually. I have mixed emotions, it's definitely bittersweet. For those that don't know, over 5yrs ago we started the journey to add onto our family as we felt called to do. We became foster parents & had 2 little boys for almost 2yrs. We went through the adoption process & were approved.
But all that was taken from us by a few jealous, hurtful family members.
Then we had Noah.
And he died.
So you can see why in some ways I feel like this baby is still a dream. And partly why I am a bit scared to do too much planning. I guess I just won't be able to believe I am having another baby until this baby is in my arms here at home. I admit my human side of me is scared that yet again something will happen. I try to push those thoughts out of my head. I know I just have to have faith. But at times it's hard.
But all that was taken from us by a few jealous, hurtful family members.
Then we had Noah.
And he died.
So you can see why in some ways I feel like this baby is still a dream. And partly why I am a bit scared to do too much planning. I guess I just won't be able to believe I am having another baby until this baby is in my arms here at home. I admit my human side of me is scared that yet again something will happen. I try to push those thoughts out of my head. I know I just have to have faith. But at times it's hard.
"Do unto other as you would have them do unto you."
Most often quoted, least often practiced.
Rainy day
Saturday, April 16, 2011
It's been a rainy, cool, & windy day, with a few storms thrown in for good measure this evening. Since Noah died, these sort've days have been depressing for me. I wanted to try & keep myself from getting in a funk so I decided to spend some time in my kitchen.
I LOVE cooking & baking but I just haven't done as much of it lately like I use to. Well, I made up for it today! lol It started with hubby bringing me home a pound of shrimp that was on sale that I wanted to get a little creative with. So, today I made:
~1/2lb of shrimp ceviche
~1/2lb steamed shrimp
~pot of chili soup
~white chicken enchiladas
~baked blueberry oatmeal for breakfast the next few mornings
~homemade caramel popcorn
Look for future posts & pics about some of these recipes! ;)
Some of this will be frozen for future meals, gotta love cooking ahead! Even as I sit here waiting for the caramel corn to finish baking, there are only a few dishes in the sink from the kids snack of homemade applesauce. I kept on top of the dishes as I was cooking which just made things so much easier. All this cooking got me brainstorming for my cooking class I am teaching next year at our homeschool co-op. I'm looking forward to putting together a syllabus for that class!
So what do YOU do on a dreary day to keep the rainy day blues away??
I LOVE cooking & baking but I just haven't done as much of it lately like I use to. Well, I made up for it today! lol It started with hubby bringing me home a pound of shrimp that was on sale that I wanted to get a little creative with. So, today I made:
~1/2lb of shrimp ceviche
~1/2lb steamed shrimp
~pot of chili soup
~white chicken enchiladas
~baked blueberry oatmeal for breakfast the next few mornings
~homemade caramel popcorn
Look for future posts & pics about some of these recipes! ;)
Some of this will be frozen for future meals, gotta love cooking ahead! Even as I sit here waiting for the caramel corn to finish baking, there are only a few dishes in the sink from the kids snack of homemade applesauce. I kept on top of the dishes as I was cooking which just made things so much easier. All this cooking got me brainstorming for my cooking class I am teaching next year at our homeschool co-op. I'm looking forward to putting together a syllabus for that class!
So what do YOU do on a dreary day to keep the rainy day blues away??
~Your soul friend is someone who loves you for what you are, accepts you for what you lack, and still gently invites you to grow~
Update on baby #6
Friday, April 15, 2011
This update is a little past due but I've had a few tough days again lately. Praise God for many compassionate friends who stuck by my side & helped me get through these days!
Earlier this week, we had another visit with the maternal/fetal specialist as well as an ultrasound. These appointments always trigger a barrage of emotions, both good & difficult. Thank you to many of you who upheld us in prayer as well as the messages & even texts we received on our way to the appointment. It definitely helped calm our nerves.
Baby is still looking good. In fact, he/she is measuring on target and weighed 2lbs 2ozs. Makes me wonder if this one will be bigger than my others or maybe for once, I'd actually have a baby on time or early! HA who am I kidding, my track record is going 2-3wks late. Noah was my "earliest" at 9 days late. Ah well, a prego gal can dream. :) But to put the weight into perspective, at 33wks, Noah's estimated weight was 2lbs 13oz. And he weighed 6lbs 10oz at birth, just a few ounces shy of my biggest at 7lbs 1oz (both Hannah & Erik). So this baby is close to his weight at almost 6wks earlier. My babies usually put on weight at the very end of pregnancy which is why they think I carry late. So who knows!
The doctor we saw at this visit was the one who had diagnosed Noah. While I saw him throughout my pregnancy with Noah, I had not yet seen him this pregnancy. Seeing him brought a rush of emotions over me. I had a hard time holding back the tears. He is such a kind, caring doctor & we couldn't have asked for a better person to have been the one to have deliver the news of a fatal diagnosis. Even when we saw him this week, he took his time with us and even spoke to the kids to see if they had any questions. Dr. T is one of those few doctors I'd whole-heartedly recommend to others! He is having us come back at the end of May for another check-up and ultrasound just to keep an eye on the baby for the well-being & peace of all of us and our providers. It's refreshing to have someone acknowledge the mental side of all we are going through & not brush it off, as well as doing all that he can to help us.
We got some great pics of the baby! We got to see him/her open their eyes & mouth, suck on a thumb, even gave us a thumbs up that was too cute. And once again, this little ones hands were always by the face just like they've been at every ultrasound we have had & just like Noah. ♥ It's neat to see the similarities between the 2 of them. The baby has the same cheeks as Noah (as well as Erik & Hannah when they were babies). And now for pics & a video clip.....
Earlier this week, we had another visit with the maternal/fetal specialist as well as an ultrasound. These appointments always trigger a barrage of emotions, both good & difficult. Thank you to many of you who upheld us in prayer as well as the messages & even texts we received on our way to the appointment. It definitely helped calm our nerves.
Baby is still looking good. In fact, he/she is measuring on target and weighed 2lbs 2ozs. Makes me wonder if this one will be bigger than my others or maybe for once, I'd actually have a baby on time or early! HA who am I kidding, my track record is going 2-3wks late. Noah was my "earliest" at 9 days late. Ah well, a prego gal can dream. :) But to put the weight into perspective, at 33wks, Noah's estimated weight was 2lbs 13oz. And he weighed 6lbs 10oz at birth, just a few ounces shy of my biggest at 7lbs 1oz (both Hannah & Erik). So this baby is close to his weight at almost 6wks earlier. My babies usually put on weight at the very end of pregnancy which is why they think I carry late. So who knows!
The doctor we saw at this visit was the one who had diagnosed Noah. While I saw him throughout my pregnancy with Noah, I had not yet seen him this pregnancy. Seeing him brought a rush of emotions over me. I had a hard time holding back the tears. He is such a kind, caring doctor & we couldn't have asked for a better person to have been the one to have deliver the news of a fatal diagnosis. Even when we saw him this week, he took his time with us and even spoke to the kids to see if they had any questions. Dr. T is one of those few doctors I'd whole-heartedly recommend to others! He is having us come back at the end of May for another check-up and ultrasound just to keep an eye on the baby for the well-being & peace of all of us and our providers. It's refreshing to have someone acknowledge the mental side of all we are going through & not brush it off, as well as doing all that he can to help us.
We got some great pics of the baby! We got to see him/her open their eyes & mouth, suck on a thumb, even gave us a thumbs up that was too cute. And once again, this little ones hands were always by the face just like they've been at every ultrasound we have had & just like Noah. ♥ It's neat to see the similarities between the 2 of them. The baby has the same cheeks as Noah (as well as Erik & Hannah when they were babies). And now for pics & a video clip.....
9 months old today
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Today Noah is 9 months old. Wish it would've been nice & sunny today so we could've went out to start working on his memorial garden as a way to lift everyones mood, but instead it was cool and rainy out.
Here are a few pictures of the kids & Noah after they each took turns dressing him in the outfits they had picked out for him then spent time cuddling him individually. ♥
Here are a few pictures of the kids & Noah after they each took turns dressing him in the outfits they had picked out for him then spent time cuddling him individually. ♥
Hannah
Susan
Sarah
Erik
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.
We love and miss you so very much Noah Alexander!!!
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." ~Rom 5:3-4
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