Change

I've been reading some good books about moms who have walked this difficult road as well as some great devotionals lately. One thing that has been frequently mentioned in the books is the word change. And to put it quite simply, after going through a traumatic, life-changing event such as losing a child, a spouse or getting a life-altering medical diagnosis, the one common thing that happens is

we are forever changed.

I am not the person I used to be, and neither is Kevin or any of the kids. And that doesn't go for just us, that happens to any person who goes through something like we have.

This journey has brought new people into our lives; those who have either been through this before or simply those who felt called to reach out to us & help support us. There are those who have been a part of our lives prior to Noah's diagnosis, but who have drawn closer to us because of  Noah & a desire to know us & be a part of our lives in a deeper way. And then there are some who we thought would be there for us but they chose to judge us because of where we are at & walked out of our lives because we still "talk about Noah", "aren't getting over it", "we're selfish to grieve", etc. All I can say is God has us where exactly where we are to be at & some people don't want to accept where we are at and the change He has brought about in our lives.

I recently came across a blog that I've enjoyed reading. In fact, I found one of her older posts she wrote in the months after losing her daughter entitled "I'm not who I was" found here. She speaks of this very thing & puts into words the feelings of not only myself but many others. She sums it up at the end saying that we shouldn't have to explain why we say or do certain things, that those around us should be more understanding. Life has gone on for all of you around us, but for us, we are still trying to figure out our new "normal". And that takes time. She talks more about that here. 8 months may seem like a long time to you, but to us & any other grieving families, that is not long at all. It feels just like yesterday we walked out of the church behind Noah's tiny, white casket to bury him.

In her post about "I'm not who I was", the comments were really encouraging to read as well. But there was one comment from her sister, the one person I'm sure she thought would be supportive & compassionate, wasn't. Her sister was being selfish in wanting her (Holly the grieving mom) to put aside her feelings for her (the sisters) own personal benefit. Sadly, I have experianced that as well. One thing others have to understand is there are times we barely have the strength to hold ourselves (& our family) together emotionally & are just not able to extend ourselves to others during this time. Not all days are like this, but there are times where I barely have the energy to be strong for my family yet some see this as me being selfish & not caring for others. It's far from that & those that truly know me & my heart know this. We all go through seasons in life. Often times I was the one who was reaching out to help others. But I've been reminded by others that this is a season in my life where I need to let others reach out & help us, which in itself has been a lesson for me to learn.

Life is a constant journey of change. Sometimes it's just small changes, other times it's huge, life-altering changes. But one thing is for sure; without change, there is no growth. Without growth, you're missing out on the blessings God has in store for you. Change & growth isn't always easy or free of tears & pain, but we're promised that the results someday are worth it! Noah has changed & grown our family in ways that we never would've without him being a part of our lives. While this isn't the way I would've chosen to have grown, God sees the bigger picture and has a reason behind Noah's life & legacy that I can't see yet. So we just continue to trust Him each day as He guides our family on this journey & praise Him for what He is doing in our lives!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" ~ Ephesians 3:20

~When you start thinking the grass is greener on the other side maybe it's time to start tending your own grass a bit better.