Bittersweet

My first Mother's Day without Noah was hard. It was a day that had both smiles & tears. Those who have experianced deep grief, know that it's entirely possible to be both happy & sad all in the same breath as well as switching emotions at the drop of a dime. That's how I felt.

I know I was able to get through the day thanks to the support of so many of you! I know there were a lot of prayers going up on our behalf which I'm so grateful for. I also appreciated all the notes, messages, texts & cards I received as well. You may think they are insignificant but you have no idea how much they mean to me and are such an encouragement. Thank you!

I was actually able to go to church. I probably wouldn't have minded staying home to be honest but figured I'd see how it goes. We did skip Sunday school as I wasn't quite sure how I'd do trying to be able to talk to others. So since we didn't have to get up and going right away, I was able to lay in bed for a bit. As the kids each woke up, they all came up to wish me a happy mothers day. They each gave me the most sweetest card and a gift they picked out on their own. Their cards were so precious! The notes they wrote were amazing, & each of them included part of their card from Noah as well. I was smiling while the tears welled up. And the note I got from Noah was SO precious (found here ).

I am truly thankful it was sunny today! Had it been raining I know it would've affected my mood. I was doing well when we got to church. I knew baby dedication was going to take place & I figured I wouldn't be able to sit through that as we would've been up there this year with Noah. I quietly slipped out as that started and felt the tears start pouring out. I headed right outside to sit with Noah at his grave. It seemed to make the most sense to be with him during baby dedication. After church, we went out as a family to his grave & took a picture of me with all 6 kids. Bittersweet for sure.

After church, Kevin made me lunch. Overall it was a quiet day. I hadn't been feeling the greatest over the weekend due to this diet I've been having to follow in preparation for a test I had to do today. Most of my day yesterday was spent trying to make sure I ate everything I needed to (more on all this later).

I read something recently that was really neat. I was reminded that I sill parent Noah, just in a different way than I do my earthly kids.  I am parenting him in how I talk about him to his siblings & others, in how I love him & show my love for him to others and also in how I keep him & his memory/testimony alive. My son is still alive, he just has a different address than I do for now!

Here's a picture of me with my 6 precious kids on Mother's Day! ♥

I'm currently 30wks pregnant.



My Mother's Day letter from Noah

Hi Mommy,

I wanted to wish you a Happy Mothers Day today. I'm writing this from Heaven as I'm looking down on you. I really miss you mommy. I wish you could be up here with me. I miss not being in your belly. It was really nice being so close to you for 9 months. I didn't want to come out, but Jesus had a plan, so I came out for a little visit before I went to Heaven to be with Jesus. I wish I could have stayed longer and been with you a little more. I wish I could celebrate Mothers Day with the rest of the family. I miss Sarah, Susan, Hannah & my big brother Erik.  I wanted to be there as you hold me and talk silly to me in church as I wanted to be able to have you and daddy dedicate me to Jesus. I know you cry a lot over me and that makes me feel really special and loved. I know you miss me so much. I like when you talk about me to others. Thank you mommy for loving me so very much. I will never forget when I left you and went to be with Jesus. Jesus' arms are just as warm as yours. Please don't worry about me mommy, I am safe up here. I hope I didn't make you cry too much. I love you mom!

Love your special son,
      Noah

I received this letter along with heartfelt letters from the rest of my kiddos. ♥ Oh how the tears fell! What a bittersweet day.

Happy 8th Birthday Erik!

Today, 8 years ago (holy cow has it been that long!!) Erik made his grand entrance into the world 2 weeks late. Yes, he was supposed to be my April born baby. Boy was I looking forward to that diamond birthstone in my mothers ring someday, but alas, he must've thought an emerald would be better. I can still vividly remember the day. It was a warm Saturday & we had taken the girls to a family fun day at a local church. I had been cramping a bit, but hadn't thought much of it. Till that evening, we went for a walk & I noticed I was having some notable contractions but again, I didn't want too get excited. After all, the girls had all been induced really late so I hadn't yet gone into labor on my own.

Night time came, everyone went to bed. I stayed up & said I was just uncomfortable & would surf the internet. Well, by this time I had noticed I was having timeable contractions but didn't tell Kevin. He went to sleep. lol Meanwhile, I paced the house walking to try & bring them on stronger. I was starting to get excited by this point. Then I started getting really uncomfortable.....and irritated Kevin was still sleeping! haha So I went and woke him up. When he sort've came to, I said I'm in labor. His first words to me (and he's lucky he didn't lose some teeth over this) was "are you sure"?!?! Yes, I kid you not. I probably had some choice words for him because by this point, my contractions were 4-5 minutes apart & I was having to breath through them.

I decided to jump in the shower. Oh did that feel good. Meanwhile, (after he realized I wasn't kidding) he called the doctor. I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. We headed to the hospital about 1:40am. I won't ever ride in his car again during labor. That was torture. I don't care if it's a cool looking car! lol

We got to labor & delivery a little after 2am.  I have written somewhere all the details of the next few hours such as times & how dilated I was as well as doctor comments. During my labors, I always made sure Kevin kept a running journal in case I couldn't remember due to being in PAIN! ha Anyway, my labor was pretty quick with him. When it came time to push, my OB noticed his heart rate was decreasing big time. Before I had a chance to really know what was happening, she attached a vacuum to his head and as I pushed, she pretty much yanked his head out. I'll spare you the painful details but holy cow did that hurt! Before he could be delivered, she had to cut his cord from around his neck. Turns out his heart was decelerating due to his cord being wrapped around his neck twice. We were very fortunate his outcome was so positive. Erik Matthew was born about 7:30 am (I'd have to look up the exact time, I forget, I'm getting old). He weighed 7lbs 1oz & was 19". He was the same length as all our kiddos & he weighed exactly what Hannah did. They were my "biggest" babies. Erik actually had strangulation marks on his neck for several days due to his cord and he had developed torticollis due to being strangled by his cord. (Physical therapy resolved that).

Here's a pic of the kids together. The twins were 3, Hannah wasn't quite yet 2. Yes, we had 4 kids in 3 yrs. Blessed for sure!♥ (and wow does Noah look like Erik here, it's those cheeks!)

And here are some pictures from today. The kids always get to pick what they want for their cake. Some years they ask for some really elaborate ones that I've enjoyed making. Erik has actually said for a few months now how he wanted his cake. He said he wanted a picture of him & Noah for his cake this year. So this was his cake....I love this picture!

He is SUCH a proud big brother. I still remember the day when he found out he was having a brother. Nothing could wipe the big smile from his face. For YEARS he kept asking for a little brother. It breaks my heart when he comes to us in tears saying how he wishes he could show Noah how to play football or play video games with him.

 

It made this mama proud how excited the girls were in wanting to help Erik celebrate his birthday. When we were out shopping earlier this week, the girls insisted that they wanted to each buy him a little something with their own money. And that's exactly what they did. Judging by his reaction, you would've thought they got him the most expensive gifts ever. He was so thankful & appreciative of that frisbee, pack of silly bands & matchbox car they gave him. He gave them each a big hug & said he loved it all. They even found a blanket they all bought together for his Noah doll. I love how caring & selfless my kiddos are. The girls had just as much fun giving him gifts as he did opening them. Susan had even spent part of the afternoon thoroughly cleaning out his room. She said that was also part of his birthday gift!

Happy Birthday Erik! I'm so glad God blessed us with you!!! ♥



Mothers Day Poem

A Mother's Day Wish from Heaven

by Jody Seilheimer

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing you from Heaven,

and though it must appear

a rather strange idea,

I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit

your stores to find a card,

a card of love for my mother,

as this day is very hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,

I saw every card you could imagine

except I could not find a card,

from a child who lives in Heaven.

She is still a mother too,

no matter where I reside,

I had to leave, she understands,

but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,

that you would come to know

that though I live in Heaven now,

I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;

we still share laughter too,

memories are our way of speaking now,

would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,

her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,

there my living memory dwells.

She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,

though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way to remind her

of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored

and remembered too,

just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,

I know you'll do your best,

I have done all I can do;

to you I leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,

how much she means to me

until I can do it for myself,

when she joins me in eternity.

 Thank you so much Kerry for sending me this and for the extra thoughts & prayers this week as Mother's Day approaches and my heart feels heavy.

Easter

Like all the other holidays since Noah died, today was both happy and sad. Easter holds a special meaning for us this year especially when we think of Heaven. We are SO grateful that Jesus died on the cross so we can spend eternity in Heaven. We have the glorious hope we hold onto during the tough days especially, knowing that we WILL see Noah again!

I wonder what today especially is like in Heaven as everyone celebrates the resurrected Christ. Oh the celebration Noah gets to be a part of!

I miss the fact that I didn't have a little one to dress up like I should've had. Noah would've enjoyed playing with the plastic eggs from the egg hunt I'm sure. When the older 4 kids were little, I started a tradition of dressing them up in bunny costumes every year until they no longer fit into them (oh they will love those pics when they are older!)

Last Easter, I was looking forward to this Easter & breaking out the little bunny costume for Noah. It's those little things most people don't think about that we also miss.

Today while we were at church, we went to visit Noah's grave. This was the first time we were there as a family since Noah's funeral. We've all been to his grave at different times, but not together. Tears were shed as we all stood there with our arms around each other, each of us quiet with thoughts of our own. Oh how we miss you Noah!

I had my camera along so I asked the kids if they'd like their picture taken with Noah and that cheered them all up. I realize that may seem strange to some of you, but this is all they get to do with their brother. This is as close as they can get to his earthly body & it meant a lot to them to have Noah included in the annual Easter pic(even if it was only his grave marker that can be seen).

I hope you all had a Blessed Easter!



3rd trimester

Today marks the first day of my 3rd trimester. Hard to believe actually. I have mixed emotions, it's definitely bittersweet. For those that don't know, over 5yrs ago we started the journey to add onto our family as we felt called to do. We became foster parents & had 2 little boys for almost 2yrs. We went through the adoption process & were approved.

But all that was taken from us by a few jealous, hurtful family members.

Then we had Noah.

And he died.

So you can see why in some ways I feel like this baby is still a dream. And partly why I am a bit scared to do too much planning. I guess I just won't be able to believe I am having another baby until this baby is in my arms here at home. I admit my human side of me is scared that yet again something will happen. I try to push those thoughts out of my head. I know I just have to have faith. But at times it's hard.

"Do unto other as you would have them do unto you."

Most often quoted, least often practiced.

Rainy day

It's been a rainy, cool, & windy day, with a few storms thrown in for good measure this evening. Since Noah died, these sort've days have been depressing for me. I wanted to try & keep myself from getting in a funk so I decided to spend some time in my kitchen.

I LOVE cooking & baking but I just haven't done as much of it lately like I use to. Well, I made up for it today! lol It started with hubby bringing me home a pound of shrimp that was on sale that I wanted to get a little creative with. So, today I made:

~1/2lb of shrimp ceviche
~1/2lb steamed shrimp
~pot of chili soup
~white chicken enchiladas
~baked blueberry oatmeal for breakfast the next few mornings
~homemade caramel popcorn

Look for future posts & pics about some of these recipes! ;)

Some of this will be frozen for future meals, gotta love cooking ahead! Even as I sit here waiting for the caramel corn to finish baking, there are only a few dishes in the sink from the kids snack of homemade applesauce. I kept on top of the dishes as I was cooking which just made things so much easier. All this cooking got me brainstorming for my cooking class I am teaching next year at our homeschool co-op. I'm looking forward to putting together a syllabus for that class!

So what do YOU do on a dreary day to keep the rainy day blues away??

~Your soul friend is someone who loves you for what you are, accepts you for what you lack, and still gently invites you to grow~

Update on baby #6

This update is a little past due but I've had a few tough days again lately. Praise God for many compassionate friends who stuck by my side & helped me get through these days!

Earlier this week, we had another visit with the maternal/fetal specialist as well as an ultrasound. These appointments always trigger a barrage of emotions, both good & difficult. Thank you to many of you who upheld us in prayer as well as the messages & even texts we received on our way to the appointment. It definitely helped calm our nerves.

Baby is still looking good. In fact, he/she is measuring on target and weighed 2lbs 2ozs. Makes me wonder if this one will be bigger than my others or maybe for once, I'd actually have a baby on time or early! HA who am I kidding, my track record is going 2-3wks late. Noah was my "earliest" at 9 days late. Ah well, a prego gal can dream. :) But to put the weight into perspective, at 33wks, Noah's estimated weight was 2lbs 13oz. And he weighed 6lbs 10oz at birth, just a few ounces shy of my biggest at 7lbs 1oz (both Hannah & Erik). So this baby is close to his weight at almost 6wks earlier. My babies usually put on weight at the very end of pregnancy which is why they think I carry late. So who knows!

The doctor we saw at this visit was the one who had diagnosed Noah. While I saw him throughout my pregnancy with Noah, I had not yet seen him this pregnancy. Seeing him brought a rush of emotions over me. I had a hard time holding back the tears. He is such a kind, caring doctor & we couldn't have asked for a better person to have been the one to have deliver the news of a fatal diagnosis. Even when we saw him this week, he took his time with us and even spoke to the kids to see if they had any questions. Dr. T is one of those few doctors I'd whole-heartedly recommend to others! He is having us come back at the end of May for another check-up and ultrasound just to keep an eye on the baby for the well-being & peace of all of us and our providers. It's refreshing to have someone acknowledge the mental side of all we are going through & not brush it off, as well as doing all that he can to help us.

We got some great pics of the baby! We got to see him/her open their eyes & mouth, suck on a thumb, even gave us a thumbs up that was too cute. And once again, this little ones hands were always by the face just like they've been at every ultrasound we have had & just like Noah. ♥ It's neat to see the similarities between the 2 of them. The baby has the same cheeks as Noah (as well as Erik & Hannah when they were babies). And now for pics & a video clip.....

9 months old today

Today Noah is 9 months old. Wish it would've been nice & sunny today so we could've went out to start working on his memorial garden as a way to lift everyones mood, but instead it was cool and rainy out.

Here are a few pictures of the kids & Noah after they each took turns dressing him in the outfits they had picked out for him then spent time cuddling him individually. ♥

Hannah

 Susan

 Sarah

 Erik

The world may never notice

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Was swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says that we love you.

We love and miss you so very much Noah Alexander!!!

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." ~Rom 5:3-4

Mother's Day

I am dreading Mother's Day this year. There, I said it. It's not just because Noah isn't here, although that is part of it. Mother's Day is an anniversary of sorts for us. It's when we got Noah's fatal diagnosis. The one where we were told he is "incompatible with life". Those piercing words just never leave your soul. So of course Mother's Day is forever linked with that.

In addition to it being 1 year since being told Noah was going to die (which I can hardly believe it'll be a year, it seriously feels like yesterday), Mother's day is also the day our church does baby dedication. And it hurts knowing we can't be a part of it this year like we had been planning.

We just got a message from our church that they are wanting pictures of moms & their kids to use for the service for Mother's day. When I read that, it hit me that I never thought to take pictures of just me and the 5 kids. Which of course sent me into a pile of tears that I don't have that special picture & I feel excluded. I mean, we tried to think of SO much to do during our short time with Noah, but it doesn't matter how much we tried to think of everything, I am often reminded that we have missed out on so many "little" things that most people take for granted. So I am trying to figure out if I can edit a picture to submit.

Life is still a rollercoaster. We have good days & we have tough days. Just because Noah didn't live to be 6 wks, 6 years or 16 years old, does NOT make his life any less worthwhile than those who lived longer on this earth. A persons eternal impact is what matters, not their earthly years. Praise God for Noah's legacy as his life reflected Jesus more than some who live far longer! Unfortunately, not everyone see's his life as such and have tried to diminish this & say we shouldn't still be grieving because Noah didn't live very long. We grieve the same for him as someone who grieves their son that lived longer. Our sweet son has definitely taught us to be more Heaven-minded in our daily living.

I guess I share all this in just trying to be open & honest as I know so many of you continue to pray for us & support us and wonder what specific things you can help with or uplift us in prayer about. We have Mother's Day, Noah's birthday, his homegoing anniversary as well as anticipating this new baby's arrivial all within a period of 2 months. A huge mix of rememberance days & emotions, both happy & sad. Not to mention all the preparing we have to do for this baby that includes reorganizing Noah's nursery which I haven't been able to bring myself to do yet. We pretty much put all his things in there from the hospital and funeral & closed the door. I still have his hat & blankets he used laying in the crib. 

I know in time, it'll all come together. And I know as each of those days comes up, we'll get through them. For now, we just try focus on one day at a time & chose not to worry about tomorrow!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matt 6:34

~Faith is like a muscle; the more you use it, the more powerful it becomes.~

Zuppa Toscana Soup

So the kids & I made another one of our favorite soups. In fact, we made a double batch of it so we would have plenty to not only eat but freeze for later meals as well. Pretty much any soup we like I am able to freeze so I always make plenty for that very reason.

This soup is a copycat recipe to the Zuppa Toscana you can get at Olive Garden.

Here is a pic of a few of the ingrediants. And yes, I used a lot more sausage than you see (the rest was cooking as I took this pic)

This soup is SOOO good!! A few things I change, I don't add quite the amount of cream it calls for. ( I try to cut out a few calories where I can without compromising taste). I also use whatever sausage I get  marked down on sale. lol! This batch of soup had a combo of Shady Maple's onion & pepper sausage & some regular sausage. I also tossed in a little bit of crushed red pepper because we love food with a little spice to it.

The kids could hardly wait to dig into it! They would even eat this as a snack! And yes, it tastes even better than it looks! Oh, and for those who are paleo or low carb, I have also used cauliflower in place of the potatoes with wonderful results!!!



1 lb Italian sausage (or whatever flavor you prefer, spicy is good!)
2 large russet baking potatoes, sliced in half, and then in 1/4 inch slices
1 large onion, chopped
1/2 can oscar meyer bacon bit (I used some real bacon, cooked, since I happened to have some on hand but you can skip this ingredient as well)
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 cups kale or 2 cups swiss chard, chopped
2 cans chicken broth
1 quart water
1 cup heavy whipping cream (though I use light cream with no problem)


-Cook sausage either by baking or sauteeing
-Drain sausages on paper towels and cut into slices.
-Place onions, potatoes, chicken broth, water, garlic in pot, and cook on medium heat until potatoes are done.
-Add sausage and bacon.
-Salt and pepper to taste.
-Simmer for another 10 minutes.
-Turn to low heat.
-Add kale and cream.
-Heat through and serve

 ~Your integrity will always be remembered longer than your prosperity.~

25wks

Hard to believe I am 25wks pregnant. I realize I don't talk a whole lot about my current pregnancy because honestly, it's hard. Where I am at now is pretty much where I was this time last year with Noah. So there are a lot of similarities that just make it more difficult than most pregnancies. And it's not just me experiancing the rollercoaster of emotions, but also Kevin & the kids as well. While there is definitely excitement about this little life bouncing around in me, there is also nervousness about all the unknowns. Even though this baby doesn't appear to have any of the physical differences Noah had, that still doesn't guarantee a healthy baby or a baby who will come home in our arms. There is still so much out there that could happen.

Some may say we are living in fear. After talking to Michele the other day, she made an excellant point. We are NOT living in fear, we are living in reality. If we had been living in fear, we would've said that's it, we are never going to allow God to bless us with more kids because of being scared something could happen again. Instead, we put our faith in Him and said whatever your will is with our children, we accept. I mean, how many of you when pregnant, ever thought you could have something happen to your baby? Sure, it may be a fleeting thought, but until you experiance your child taking his or her last breath in your arms, you really don't grasp just what *could* happen.

After losing a child, you realize just how real death is and how it CAN happen to you. You don't take for granted each little movement or each heartbeat your child has. Instead, you learn to be thankful for the here and now. Because that is all we are guaranteed. Our children are not ours but on loan to us for however long God allows them to be with us. We now know that any of our other children could be gone in the blink of an eye. While it's a scary thought, we know where our children will go if the unthinkable happens. Praise God we heard each of them accept Jesus as their Saviour!

So we continue each day of this pregnancy with many emotions. We are thankful yet cautious. We talk to this baby about his/her big brother Noah and what a testimony his life has been. We all lay our hands on my belly to feel this wee ones movement & hiccups & cherish what we feel because we know we can't take life for granted. It's honestly a crazy place to be right now. We are still grieving Noah & trying to make sure he is included in his younger siblings life, while trying to balance the emotions of a new baby. After talking to other moms who have had a baby after losing a child, we know we still have a long road ahead of us. More on that another time.

We continue to cling to the promise of the life verse that I claimed since I was in my young teens:  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaish 41:10.



~My ability to handle lifes storms rests upon my ability to give them to God~