Little bits of Noah

I know people who haven't lost a baby think that after some time has passed, you just sort of start to "forget" about your baby that has died, that they just aren't involved in your every day life.

SO far from the truth!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Noah is just as much a part of our every day life as my other kiddos. We still parent him, just in a different way from the others. You ask any other baby loss mom (BLM) and they will tell you the same thing. I think those who haven't lost a child or even a spouse have no idea the impact grief has on your life forever.

Just to give you a glimpse of what I mean, let me share with you some of the recent ways Noah has been a part of our every day happenings.

We were shopping earlier this week, and we ended up in the baby department to look at something for Olivia. Out of the blue, Susan asked "Mom, what size clothes would Noah be in right now?"

Caught me a little off guard yet at the same time, I was happy she asked. I told her since he probably would be tiny like the rest of them, that even though he is 21 months old (already! *sigh*) he would most likely be wearing 12 months size. And as I answered her, I headed over to the infant boys rack and picked out an adorable boys outfit and held it up. At this point, the other kids had heard the conversation and came over and were "awwwing" over the outfit and in sad tones said it's just so hard to believe.

Yes, yes it is. We have an obvious void in our family that will never ever go away. Noah's presence is always right there, no matter what we are doing.

Just the other day, I stopped at a yard sale. I was browsing around and ended up finding a cute dress for Olivia.
It's hard to tell in this pic but the dress is light lavender and white tiny checkers. Has a matching diaper cover too.

 As I continued to look around, my eyes were instantly drawn to a children's book called "Rainy Day Games, Fun with the Animals of Noah's Ark".



I paged through the book briefly and in just a few pages in I knew I was buying this book for Noah....for the other kids. See, we still buy things on occasion that remind us of Noah. Things that match the nursery. Things that keep his memory alive. Things that include him as part of the family, which he still is even though he lives somewhere else.  We will be able to read this book to Olivia and feel like we are including Noah.


I continue to appreciate the many of you who also remember Noah along with us, from trinkets you give us with Noah's name on it, to 6 of any item (flowers, valentines, etc) to include all of our kids, to just saying his name in conversation or writing his name in a card, etc. You have no idea how much that means to all of us!

 I just read another blog post along those lines. It's been 4 years since their daughter died yet people continue to still remember her, what a blessing!

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"Our friends and family tell us how hard the first year will be, but often never realize how hard it is to face the second year. It is often socially unacceptable to talk about how the second year is a killer because this is when you realize that EVERY year for the rest of your life will be like this."

The above quote is taken from here. I wanted to share this as this post may be a reference to many of my fellow BLM's. (as well as possible info for those supporting a BLM). She gives a creative prompt for helping to be honest about where you are in your grief journey right now and an artist way to express it. I have to say it saddens me the taboo there is surrounding talking about your child that has died and the grief that is a part of your life. I know I myself have experienced this and truly hope to help change this. 

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." 
(Rm 5:3-4) 


14 comments

  1. This is so True I still do it and it's been since 2005. You have it right we do parent them just in a different way. Love you and always thinking about you :)

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  2. I will never stop being mommy to my dear Weston. Though he is in Heaven with his Heavenly Father, I still want and need him to know that he is not forgotten down here. God gave him to our family here on earth for just a bit, but we will deliberately and intentionally continue to be his family...always. He will always know he is missed and dearly loved down here. What a happy family reunion it will be in Heaven...for that will be the next time our family will ever be complete again.

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  3. I will never stop being mommy to my dear Weston. Though he is in Heaven with his Heavenly Father, I still want and need him to know that he is not forgotten down here. God gave him to our family here on earth for just a bit, but we will deliberately and intentionally continue to be his family...always. He will always know he is missed and dearly loved down here. What a happy family reunion it will be in Heaven...for that will be the next time our family will ever be complete again.

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  4. I loved reading this! It made me cry! I love reading your blog because I get to see my son's name as you talk about your son!! I love that you still buy stuff for him!

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  5. SO very true!!! It is amazing, I just wrote a post on how I long to hear Jonathan's name. I did not post it because my husband said it sounded a little angry and I need to pray and reword it. That just goes to show how deep this goes. I love how you got the book for Noah! I know i ma forever changed because of Jonathan, I ma so thankful for other BLM's that make me feel normal!

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  6. Yes, it is so true. For us there has not been a single day that we don't think about our triplets either (and it's been over 3 years ago). I have no doubt when our little miracle boy grows older and starts understanding and making questions or thoughts about his siblings, it is going to be very emotional and teary moments for his mommy and me. I like your post idea. I might write something like that too. Thanks for sharing.

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  7. Thank you, tears are pouring right now...I am soooo scared of forgetting Lily myself! Just this morning couldn't bring myself to wash the capris I was wearing when I had my last sonogram...she was still with us, sick but safe in my womb. We had cold weather since and I didn't wear them since...picking them up this morning, the smell reminded me (not that I like the hospital ''gel'' smell) I will wash them...just not today :( I would just like to be able to remember her with all my senses...

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  8. I agree no matter how long our children have been in heaven we are and always be their mother's.
    (((hugs)))
    Beautiful post.

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  9. Jenn...thank you for being so real and honest and I'm learning alot from your journey! One of the things I've learned lately is that everyone's story is different and everyone handles "life" differently. And that is OK! If we were all the same life would be so boring, and we need to just be open and love each other...not pass judgement. There are no "right" answers. Just to be real and rely on His strength. Hugs!

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  10. Thank you for your comment Jenn! And I too love having my baby girls be a part of my every day life and get those extra special signs from above :) Noah will never be forgotten... hugs to you xoxoxo

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  11. thank you for your comment, Jenn! I hope to be turning to your wise words soon as we hopefully take the path towards our rainbow baby too. I Love Noah's name. I know he is precious!

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  12. Thank you for visiting my blog. You are right, Isaac and Noah's clefts were the same! What a handsome little man Noah is.

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing this! I know that after 19 months I still have highs and lows. And I always, always appreciate it so much when friends acknowledge him. My mother-in-law STILL always sends us FOUR Easter cards, Christmas cards, etc. and we always put our precious angel's cards in a box. It means so much that she acknowledges him.

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  14. I guess it really boils down to personal preference. My mom and dad lost three daughters. Two in infancy...one at one week, one at one month. They they adopted my brother, then me two years later. Four years later, they had my sister who unfortunately was born with the same disease as their first two daughters. She lived until she was 21. Hope died in 1990 and we have yet to celebrate a Christmas or any other holiday. Her death basically tore our family apart. I married a few years later and moved far away. We return once a year because my father has Parkinson's now and has the dementia part really bad. My mother is very bitter and I just don't know how to help or talk to her. I've tried. She doesn't want any help...???

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I enjoy hearing from each & every one of you! Thanks for taking the time to comment. :)