I guess Christmas is affecting us all differently this year. I know I've been feeling pretty down lately with not having Noah with us to celebrate his first Christmas. I cried the other day in walmart as I walked past the baby boy Christmas outfits as I know we would've bought Noah one.  And I see lately how it's bothering the kids as well, they've had some rough nights lately. When most kids are anxiously awaiting all the festivities of the holidays, my kids are writing letters to Noah and crying at night because he isn't here with us to celebrate.

We tuck them into bed, and usually after awhile they come out crying. Susan has said she is really missing Noah and wishes he was here to hold and spend Christmas with us. Erik said the other night how he is bored because he doesn't have his brother here to play with. We usually end up talking, getting his videos out from the hospital so we can watch and hear him. I admit that's hard for me to do at times. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing Noah as it seems like just yesterday he was here. But it just makes my arms ache for my son and what I don't have.

 The other night while watching videos, it went into clips Kevin had taken after he died. I had forgot we video taped all of us just holding his dear little body, staring at Noah and trying to take in every detail. The part we had of Sarah was her just gazing at him as she held him against her, all wrapped up in his blue blanket we bought him. She just rocked Noah for minutes on end, never taking her eyes off him. All of those videos are so surreal to watch, I can't even put it into words.

Watching the videos of Noah moving and hearing him often helps calm the kids down. We talk about what he might be doing in heaven and pray with them. The kids know that we don't have all the answers and we are always open and honest with them, as hard as it may be. It's so hard as a parent to see the kids ache so bad, I just want to take away that pain for them. I know that Noah's life is teaching them so much. I still wish though I could've spared their innocence from losing their brother.

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