July 7th

I feel like I need to post each day just so no one wonders what's up or thinks I've gone into labor. We are still here. I'm only 3 days late which is honestly still "early" for me given my history. I had a doctors appointment today to get my membranes stripped again, so before going in, I tried to get some things done around here. Last week when I had it done, I had a lot of contractions afterwards and felt pretty miserable. So I wanted to be sure things were in order and all before I went in.

I had been stacking my things to take to the hospital but hadn't packed them yet. I sat down and did it this morning for the most part. Which led me to sit there and just cry. I think the reason I put off packing was because of packing Noah's things. I bawled just putting his stuff into my suitcase because packing seems so final. I realize that I have to take everything I have for him with me to the hospital as it may be the only time we get to spend with him. All his tiny outfits, his blanket the kids bought last week, his angel bear, the things we want to get his footprints and handprints with, etc. Just everything!! We are gonna look like we're moving into the hospital when I go in because of all we have for him.

My appointment went ok. I had a decent midwife thankfully. She stripped and stretched my cervix. I am about 1 1/2-2cm and 60% effaced. She also showed me accupressure spots to put pressure on to help. I go back again on Friday for yet another strip & stretch. I know, it sounds awful, it's really not too bad. I'd rather go this natural route than be induced any day. I actually wasn't as uncomfortable today as I was on Friday. I still think it's going to be a little while till anything happens. It's just how my body is.

But overall today, I was just really emotional. I spent a lot of time in tears. I realize just how close everything is coming and it's really hard. On one hand, I want time to stand still, on the other, I am ready to move forward and to meet my son and to be able to start the healing process. It's really hard being in a constant state of unknown. It is so draining at times.

Friends of ours who lost their son/brother this year when he was 8 days old (Michele's family), their children wrote my kiddos letters. I read them today and just bawled. They are pretty close in age to our kids and just to read their honest heartfelt words was so precious. They talked about their brother Hezekiah (who would be 6 months old today), how he and Noah will be friends and play together in heaven along with Olivia who went to heaven this past March (our friend Jen's family, their daughter who also had Trisomy 13). It was just so sweet how these children were reaching out to ours as they themselves are still healing and telling my kids they know just how they feel.

It's been a really reflective, difficult day.