34 wks

Rainy, overcast, dreary.

Describes both the weather this morning and my mood today. I tried to go to church this morning, I really did. I got up & got dressed. But the more I started to get myself ready & the closer the time came to leaving, I just felt more anxious and just didn't feel good. I realized I just couldn't go. I am not ready to face the questions, the hugs, people asking how I'm doing. Nor could I go and sing the praise & worship songs and try to be happy. No, I'm not cursing God, but neither was up I to praising Him this morning either. I figured it's better to be honest about it then to go and fake it. I haven't been around big groups of people since finding out the news. Each time I've tried to, I get overwhelmed and can't do it. I know the kids were disappointed I couldn't go, but I was honest and just said I can't handle it right now. They seemed to understand. They all came over and said goodbye to Noah & kissed him before leaving.

While trying to work through my feelings this morning in tears, I came across a song that seemed fitting to how I am feeling today. David Crowders "All I Can Give". Which really, isn't much at all right now. I honestly don't have much to give at all. I truly am lucky I was able to get out of bed today. The feeling again of "why me" kept hitting me big time today. I realize satan is trying to get me down & depressed. I may never know why I was the one chosen to go through this. But another song I was given to listen to, in the lyrics it says "And I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you". I sat here weeping, listening to that song, remembering that like Mary Jesus's mom, I was chosen specifically to carry Noah for whatever reason it was. Noah seems to enjoy music like I do, and maybe he had an understanding to the words, but he was kicking me while I listened as if to try and reassure me that it's all going to be ok.

And I know deep down it will be. But it was a tough morning. I can't believe I am 34wks along. Where has time gone?

This afternoon was our company picnic. I really wasn't up to going. I figured I could always leave if things got too difficult for me. I had a few tears on occasion, but it went fairly well. Thank you to those of you who came & hugged me or told me you were praying for us. I know there is nothing you can say to us, as I too wouldn't know what to say. But just knowing others are there for us and that we're not alone means a lot. The kids had a great time today!! There were games and activities for them that they just loved. Oh, and lots of food!! haha The theme for the picnic this year was a hawaiian theme. They had an upside down pineapple cake baking contest that I entered. I actually got 2nd place!! I guess the funny part in that is that I never made one before! I just researched and picked what I thought to be the best recipe, made it & hoped it would taste good!

I'm including the song & lyrics for "All I Can Give"

Lyrics David Crowder Band - All i can say lyrics


  1. Wow, that is a beautiful song. Even though you can't face the crowds at church just yet, you can worship in your own personal way. God understands. That's what has always baffled me - no matter how tough life gets, God always understands, even when we don't. My prayers are with y'all.

  2. I'm just reading through all your posts and am very impressed with what you write and how you were able to put your feelings in words. It's very impressing that you were able to think about how God had chosen you to carry Noah.
    I don't have any children yet, but I hope that if something like this happens to me, I can still keep my faith and that God helps me go through this like he helped you.
    It also fascinates how your children were coping with this situation. You are really blessed with those children and I pray that God keeps blessing you.
    All the best to your family!

    1. Thank you for your kind words & encouragement Judith, I appreciate it!!


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