I managed to get a couple hours of sleep last night, but was up a little after 5am. I wish so bad I didn't have to take it easy today. I want to keep myself busy so I don't have to think. I made myself get up & shower & get dressed but I went back to sit in bed to watch tv & surf the net. I didn't know what to do next. Where do you go from here? There is absolutely nothing I can do, I feel so helpless. Everyone always anxiously anticipates and counts down until their due date.

I had been until yesterday.

Now I feel like my due date is like looking at a death sentence. I don't want that date to come. Ever. If the baby is safe as long as I'm carrying it, then I want the baby to stay right there and never come out. I can at least continue to feel him/her move and know he/she is ok. I don't care if I'm uncomfortable. I would stay pregnant forever as long as that kept my baby alive.

The kids wanted to go to walmart. I didn't want to go anywhere, but I knew I should try getting out, hoping that would make me feel better. I was wrong. Being there was awful. Seeing people smiling when I was dying inside just didn't seem fair. There seemed to be tons of babies around also. Walking past the baby section knowing that I might not be shopping there or buying diapers was hard. I just wanted out of that place. When we got home, I crawled right back into bed and cried.

I thankfully fell asleep for a nap. I woke up hoping it was later in the day. I was disappointed to find I only slept 45 minutes.

I was able to finally eat a little at suppertime, but only because I knew I had to. The thought of food just turns my stomach right now. I have no appetite. Hannah prayed before supper and prayed for the baby saying that she hopes when the baby is born that the doctors can fix whatever is wrong with the baby. I sat there crying. Oh my sweet daughter, if you only knew.

The kids have been aware that the baby has some problems but they don't know yet that the baby might not live. We knew we needed to soon tell them. We figured we'd light a fire outside and sit around making smores and see where conversation led.

They got talking about the baby and asking what all was wrong. So I started describing in detail what all the doctor told us. We've always been an open family and the kids are pretty well rounded so I knew they would be able to handle the info. The seemed to really understand what all we told them based on their questions they asked and what they were saying. We then said that we don't know what all is going to happen but that there is a chance that because of all the issues the baby has, that the baby might not live. Erik said well I guess it was a waste to get all that stuff for the baby. The poor boy, he definitely understood what was going on. Sarah with such confidence said that there is a reason this is all happening even if we don't know why. Oh to have the faith of a child!!! We continued to sit there for quite awhile just talking about it all, talking about Heaven and how the baby will have a new and perfect body when he/she gets there. The kids seemed to really handle everything well.

It was getting later so we headed in. We certainly were not pushing the kids to go to bed and just letting them take the lead after this emotional evening. As they were getting ready for bed, Hannah came & said goodnight to me and she choked up and lost it. I picked her up and rocked her while she just wept in my arms with her little her hand on my belly. I sat and cried with her. She just kept saying she doesn't want the baby to die, that she wants us to have a baby in our home. It broke my heart seeing her emotions so raw. What is there to possibly say to take away her pain? She cried until she could cry no more and we just sat there talking. Meanwhile Kevin was with Sarah who shed a few tears also. My poor kids are just so young to be facing something so big.

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